Isn't Someone Going Help That Poor Man?

"Hush Harriet, that's a sure way to get him killed!"

I'm sure that all my regular readers will know exactly what movie those two lines are from and what situation it pertains to, also.

But when I hear those lines I think of something, shall we say... Different!

Perhaps maybe something like this picture...







Whoops, looks like someone doesn't wear her wig at home!

And feel to click on the pic to bring it up fullsize!

Alien Abduction Act VIII --Photographic evidence!

Yes that's right folks. An outside, independent, third-party source has now verified my completely true Alien Abduction! See, so far the pitcures have been taken by Wifey-Poo. Except, of course, with the notable exception of the latest one where I'm blasting off into space with my sledge-hammer to smash the aliens to bits and eat their brains. That one I had to reconstruct from memory.

*ahem*

The two pictures that I'm putting up today comes to you directly (via me) from a secret Chinese spy satellite! And just how, I hear you ask, did I get my hands on these beauties? Well, as any of you who read the comments can tell, I have frequent contact with my evil Chinese overlords via the comments on this blog. And as a reward for my service they have sent through 2 pictures taken at the time of my true alien abduction.

Would you like to see them?

Of course you would. But you'll have to wait while I mention a Truthful Third Thing About Me That You Can't Learn From Reading This Blog. Yes Ti, I'm gonna milk this tag for all it is worth.

*throat clearing sound*

#3 I know what was the favorite beer of George Washington. Yes, that George Washington. Oh c'mon, you know! General George Washington? First President of the US? Ring any bells with anyone?

Not only that, but I also know the origins of this type of beer and also exactly how it got its name.

I also have George Washington's personal recipe for making "small beer". That means the cheap crap.

I also know the law passed in Massatoochits in 1637 prescribing just how much malt is needed for each quality of brew.

And I did NOT use Ma Google nor the Great Wikipedia. In fact, I didn't use the ole Series of Tubes at all!

Those of you know me, this surely comes as no surprise.

And here's the cool part. I'll tell you. But only if you pay me! Or help spread my fame to the far corners and nether regions of the Blogosphere. So, all my regulars can each send me USD$100 OR promote the heck out of this blog and I'll share the above info.

***********************************************************

Next topic: I'm still infected. 3 weeks and 3 completely different infections. Needless to say, I'm pretty well wiped out --too many schnitzengrubens fed to me from Madelaine Kahn.

And from now on I PROMISE to keep my fly zipped! *ahem*

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Watched The Myth last night. Awesomely good movie. Jackie Chan at his finest! No, not a comedy. I'm not going to write anything about it till at least ONE of you goes and rents it, watches it, and tells me what you think.

Forbidden Kingdom with Jet Li was damned good too.

**********************************************************

And now...

What you've all been waiting for...

*drum roll please*

The secret Chinese spy satellite photos of me being blasted into to space towards the waiting alien space ship!

This first one CLEARLY shows me rocketing upwards from Adelaide, South Australia, Australia, Southern Hemisphere, Planet Earth towards the waiting alien space ship! Please notice Indonesia towards the left of the picture...




Before the evil alien space ship could recloak, it passed under the Chinese spy satellite... Apparantly these aliens paint a picture of their leader on the top of the control dome for their ship. I, however, did not, of course, see the top of the ship so at this point I have NO idea what to expect on board with the exception of their being some wonderful, juicy, tasty brains for me to eat --remember, I was still an undead, brain-eating zombie at this point.





Coming up soon: we learn just who is in control of the alien ship! And zombie dave is chased through the ship!

Wee-hoo!

Is this fun or what?

Fresh & Easy Pumpkin Pie Recipe

And you all thought that all you need to do is open a can of pumpkin pie mix, pour it into a pre-baked, store-bought crust, and then stick it in the oven.

There really is a much easier way to make pumpkin pie!

You just let the pumpkin "do it's thing", and then Presto-Whammy you'll have fresh, delicious pumpkin pie!

Now before any of you think that I came up with this recipe all by me oneses, I have to tell you that I did not. In fact, I've blatently stolen this recipe from a very nice lady in Fairbanks who not only is in much better physical condition than I, but has a very creative sense of humour.

Actually, I think this recipe came from her hubby, but I could easily be wrong.

Here it is; easiest, freshest, pumpkin pie recipe!

J
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b
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f
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t
h
e
r

f
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a
l
l

t
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i
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t
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!!!!!!!!










With special thanks to Titanium (or her hubby) for allowing me to steal this without getting too made at me, back atcha mates!

The Fascist Commies Are Taking Away Our Freedom!

This is an outrage!!! An OUTRAGE I tell's ya!!!!! How the bloody-hell the bastahds think they can get away with this I'll never know!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We're mad! And we ain't gunna take it no more!

Harumph, so there.

This weekend is the culmination of yearlong preparation of all good Aussie blokes to COMPLETELY FORGET ABOUT ANYTHING!! And the bleedin' coppers think they 'ave the right to tell us just what we "can" and "can't" do?

Bleah. I ams disgustipated.

C'mon oh you "powers that be"! This is Bathurst Week! Mt Panorama! The Race That Brock Built!!!!! We've been campin' 'ere all week long!!!

And now they've got the utter GALL to tell us just 'ow much beer and wine we are "allowed" to consume per day???? It's an outrage!!!!!!! I'm callin' me member of parliament RIGHT NOW!!! Oh, wait, the bloke's passed out behind the grandstands...

Do they REALLY think that any good, upstanding, Aussie bloke can subsist on only 24 beers a day???? Crikey mate! At least they let us have 36 beers a day of the cheap 'merican lite crap, good on em --although it still takes like pisswater. They even are limiting the WINOS! 4 litres a day! Crikey, that's not even 6 bottles a day!

What are the bloody cops thinkin'?

I tells ya, I gots a RIGHT to look like this ALL WEEK LONG!




I'm sure t'at all our NASCAR mates in the US can relate! Can you imagine if dey tried to limit NASCAR fans ta "only" 36 beers a day? There'd be an arm'd rebellion, Too right!


This sarcastic Public Service Announcement brought to you by someone who doesn't give a shit about "petrolheads" or "hoons".

'Twas A Dark And Stormy Night!

Suddenly, a shot rang out!

A door slammed!

The maid screamed!

Lightning bolts forked down from the heavens!

Snoopy grinned maniacally from the top of his doghouse...

Did anyone get that? Does anyone remember the really cool Peanuts cartoons from the 60's and 70's?

Yeah, yeah. I know, most of you have heard of that era in the ancient history class that you slept through in High School. 'Sides, we all know that everything we now know comes from the 21st century and that's what matters! If it don't start with i- or e- than it's of no consequence. And heck, who was alive back then that even matters anymore.

Oh, that laughing you hear in the background? Just Rod Serling, never mind him.

And get off my lawn!! And outta my pool!!!!! Harumph!

Totally off-topic: There will be a "conversation with wifey-poo" at the end of this post.

Getting back to the storm... And it wasn't at night either.

We had a couple of days a few weeks ago when the wind was cranking hard from the north. That is odd this time of year. The wind direction meant that the surf was only half as high as you'd expect from a gale, but the skies were clear. And that meant that I could take some really cool pics on high speed w/o the pics being grainy. *Side note: if the pics were grainy then I'd ferment them suckers!*

I do know that pictures of waves and storms never tell the real story, and unless you know what you are looking for in the wave shots (spindrift, foam stringers etc), then it can be hard to imagine how fast the wind was blowing. But trust me, the wind was howling that day. Yes, I had to lean into it and carefully brace the camera on a railing with my legs splayed outwards just to get shots that weren't fuzzy. No sense using a tripod cus it would've been blown over.

And to think I used to be foredeck crew in yacht races in weather like this. Most times I'd "forget" to clip on... good thing I can swim, eh?

Here're (cool conjunctionally, conjoined, contraction, eh?) some pics of the surf.


To the untrained eye, this doesn't look like much.

But notice the height of the people on the jetty, and then take another look at the waves.

I just love the way the light is shining through this breaker...


Even more transparant water coolness.


The bloke on the right is LATE! Very late.


No surprise that he was left behind...


This is normally a beach. No, it was not high tide.


Hmmmmm, same beach.


Perhaps now you'll see the foam blowing off the top of the whitecaps:

Well, maybe not.


Notice how I framed the shot so the ocean horizon is lined up EXACTLY with the railing? Pretty good, huh?





And here is wear-where-were I reward (Re-Ward; is that a secondary ward against weres?) your patience with a real, true, honest conversation betwixt WP (Wifey-Poo, otherwise known as The Most Wonderful Woman In The Entire World --perhaps I should move to Mars?) and YT (Yours Truly, that'd be me. No further adjectives are necessary, of course.)

*Remember, WP is a world famous novelist and arrrr-teeeest, whereas I'm just a dumb ex-truckdriver*

*we join our heroes in the middle of a talk --mainly cus YT couldn't remember how it started...*


WP: In addition to the transparency I had to throw in some kind of sfumato.

WP: And I even know what that word means! So there.

YT: So do I, of course.

WP: So what does it mean? *snicker*

YT: In what respect?

WP: Nice try, but don't play dumb.

YT: Well then, you are quite obviously mispronouncing a certain Italian sparkling wine, or you want me to make a particular type of pasta.

WP: *laughs hysterically* Not even close.

YT: Yes dear.

...

YT: You still haven't told me what size of spirali you'd like with your 3 bottles of spumante tonight.

WP: *Sob*

Levi Johnston Spills The Beans...

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

The Pelican Brief

Warning: this post has absolutely NOTHING to do with a certain movie of the same name.

In fact, I've never seen the movie. Nor read any reviews, nor do I know who's in it. Who directed it? Beats me! What is it about? Well, going by the movie title, I'm guessing it's one o' them thar short ferrin' films about a day in the life of a pelican. She-yit, prob'ly made in France.

Harumph!

OT Don'ts I gots a guud redneck acksent? Jus' laik a skunk.

Speaking of movie or book titles... Why isn't The Lord Of The Rings about the life and times of P.T Barnum? Just asking.

On to the pelican!

WP (Wifey-Poo, The Most Wonderful Woman In The Entire World) and I (YT, Yours Truly --that'd be moi) went down to the seashore yesterday. No, we did not meet Sally and we didn't sell any seashells. We went down there to take pics of the surf since the wind was a steady 25 to 30 knots (knots: fancy nautical term meant to confuse everyone).

Unfortunately, the wind was still Northwesterly when we were there and wasn't supposed to swing around from the South till later. This meant the fetch of the waves was fairly short so they didn't have enough distance to really build nicely.

But I still got some good surf shots.

Those shots will have to wait for another post.

Why? Cus there was a pelican hanging out by the Brighton Jetty. It's not a usual area for them, in fact neither WP nor I have ever seen one there. We've since found out why it was there, but I'll leave that for another post.

This post is about the pics I got of the pelican. I'm really getting to know the ole Fuji FinePix S6500fd pretty darned well. These were taken from around 100 feet away.

A bird has just GOTTA get a good stretch!




Look Ma! I can hover!




She's being all majestic-like in these next two:



Hey Spielberg! Can I be in the next JP flick?



This sheila could teach us a lot about aerodynamics

Right aileron up, left aileron middle, right flaps up, left flaps down, both slats down, landing gear extended, and keep that nose down and into the wind!



Here she is practicing her cormorant pose




Which comes in handy when she needs a bit of lift to get through the surf!

Total Incoherence

My normal mental state every July is the title of this post. Yes, yes, I realise some of you think I'm like this year-round, but I gotta tell ya it's hard work to be like this without actually being like this.

Fortunately for me (sadly for WP (Wifey-Poo)) I don't have to work at it during July.

Oh, did y'all notice I'm tweeting now? Just look to the left side of your screen, no worries. Speaking of the left side of the screen, I'm shocked that some of you actually voted for "It sucks and I'm too lazy and stupid to hit the stop button" in my latest poll.

Does this mean that almost half of my readers feel that they are lazy and stupid? Or was is just a poorly worded query. Either way, I don't care! Ha! So there!

Oh, here's some pics showing just how scatter-brained I am...





Yeah, my fotoframing sucks big ones.

But why am I so scattered-brained (more than usual) in July? It's cus some idiot Frenchies schedule a bike race in the middle of the night Aussie time. And some idiotic aussie telly station broadcasts every stage live.

Here's my routine for 4 weeks (I'll start at noon, local time):


Noon o'clock arvo: plan dinner (hopefully it'll be edible, but I don't care)

Noon-thirty: take nap --don't set alarm and hope to wake around 4 pm. For some reason I never sleep past 2pm.

2 pm to 4 pm: stare glazedly out no particular window.

4 pm to 4:15 pm: attempt to blog... fail miserably.

4:30 pm: remove face from keyboard after falling asleep for the fourth time.

4:45 pm: try to hide bleary, bloodshot eyes from WP --fail miserably

5 to 6 pm make dinner --who cares what it is? I sure don't

6 to 6:05 pm: eat dinner

6:05 to 7:00 pm: check the series of tubes for cycling news.

7 to 10:30 pm: Take nap, but be sure to set alarm.

10:30 to 10:50 pm: Hammer the snooze button into submission.

10:50 to 11:00 pm: Hook up 100% caffeine IV.

11:00 pm to 4:00 am: Watch SBS 2 without pause... bladder explodes.

4:00 am to 7:00 am: Track down all the cycling news. And the political news.

7:00 am to 7:05 am: Sneak into bed with WP and pretend to have just woken up --fail miserably.

7:05 am to 8:00 am: Huge doses of caffeine.

8:00 am to noon: Pretend to attempt to get work done. Fail miserably.

8:00 am to noon: wipe drool off keyboard every few minutes.

8:00 am to noon: jerk self awake every 5 minutes and type furiously for no reason.

8:00 am to noon: pretend to need the bathroom regularly... fall asleep on toilet.



And totally Off Topic: I have a roo pic for you! Next time, maybe...

My Turds Did Not Solidify!

And we all know just how painful THAT is!

Sheesh, I thought for sure that I had done everything right for their formation and solidifikation. Just the right germs, the proper time, and an appropriate temperature for the type I wanted to form and firm.

Sigh...

Well, poop. I guess I'll go ahead and press them overnight anyways. Who knows? Perhaps they will be better in the morrow. Hopefully they'll firm up upon aging.

Maybe I'll even smoke them. Surely I might be able to wring out a good flavour from them if I apply myself properly.

Dang, this round won't even weigh a pound. Well sheeyit.

*UPDATE* I've just noticed that when I had been typing the letter "c", the keyboard regurgitated a "t" instead. Needless to say, this may have caused some confusion for some of my more sensitive readers. I've now gone back in and replaced all the c's for a t. I *may* have missed one or two though.

Here's a tool tockie pit for putting up with my trap.



*ANOTHER UPDATE* I've found out why my curds didn't firm up: water I diluted the rennet in wasn't cooled enough. D'oh!

Summa Heat Down Unda

Yep, summer (summa to an Aussie) is finally here. And it sure did take it's darned time gettin' here, I might add. Crikey, mate! The bloody pool 'as been bleedin' freezin' in the morns and it don't get warm till late arvo!

Of course, not everyone is happy. This sheila looks like she spat the dummy:




The "official" shade temp today was 42.3 C --that's 108.14 F for you mathematically disinclined folk. At the ole homestead it hung out at 111 F for most of the arvo (shade temp of course). I moved the sensor into the sun for a bit... decided to move it back to the shade when the reading got to 139 F.

For some DUMB reason I was barefoot while watering the plants. You know, the ones in pots sitting on the hot bricks. Ummmm, yeah... Even through my massive callouses I felt the skin burning --smelled it too. Had to jump in the pool to cool my feet.

Speaking of the pool, I had to scrub the walls 3 days in a row. Darn. Jumping in the freezing water is juuuuust such a bother.

There is, of course, a very easy way to BEAT THE HEAT. Would you like to know what it is? Of course you would!



This actually is harder than it looks. I had to attach some floatation devices to the bottom of the picnic table to keep it from sinking. The floatation was a couple of empty 2 litre plastic bottles with the caps screwed on tight. The attaching was done with The Handyman's Secret Weapon: Duct Tape! Yes, I duct taped a couple of plastic jugs to the bottom of a picnic table to float it in the pool. Does this qualify me for membership in The Possum Lodge?

And now for a closeup of yours truly (that'd be me):




Mmmmmmmm




Are you wondering what dave had for lunch? Well, the beer is a Cascade Light. On hot days I prefer the light beers to more full bodied ones. The roll is one of dave's homemade rolls, the feta cheese is from a local cheesewright, and the red topping is Dingo Dave's own special homemade Chilli Cherry Chutney with onions and garlic (soon to appearing at a recipe blog near you). It's very very tasty. I'm not kidding!

Holiday Food Orgy Down Under Has Commenced!

I hope you all don't mind *burp* if I don't post daily bird pics for the next *burp* two weeks... I'm, ah, busy cooking *burp* for the clan and eating lots *belch*.

If you go back to my 2008 Holiday Feast list, you'll see what this is all about. Please note, some items have been removed and others added. Just cus.

It actually started yesterday, but that was just a bunch of baking to be eaten over the next few days. The orgy really started today at lunch. I made a massive sushi platter, a kilo of steamed mussels (soaked in chardonnay and some secret seasonings), fresh sun-hot juicy ripe tomatoes, and tempura battered crab meat. Oh, chocolate covered almonds, and nectarines for dessert. A bottle of chardonnay decanted from a cheap box rounded out the meal.

Tonight is a beef roast, mashed spuds, steamed broccoli and loads of gravy. Probably a fruitcake for dessert (no, I'm not being eaten). Tomorrow morning will start out with me making chocolate covered strawberries and decorated ginger bread to have with the champagne while we open all the loot. This will, of course, be after WP have had our annual Christmas morning stroll on the beach.

Almost forgot, we are up to 165 tomatoes harvested so far. I haven't counted what's on the vines, so let's go with last weeks count minus whatever I've taken off. That leaves 220, I think. But since the buggers keep producing them and it's still early in the season... you get the idea. *burp*

I've been a bit lazy with getting good parrot pictures, I'm sorry. I'll get some really awesomely great ones these next few days and post them. And I owe wallpapers to 2 of ya and a screensaver to 1 of ya... Heck, that'll give me something to do on Boxing Day while watching the start of the Sydney to Hobart yacht race. Oh, SV Meerkat; would you like a dvd of the start and background of the boats? Lemme know, eh?

It's been a fairly mild day. Sunny, barely 90 F in the shade. Don't know what it was in the direct sun, guessing 110 F. It'll be about the same tomorrow for Christmas day so I'll make sure to bundle up for the walk on the beach.

I know I've kept you all waiting to find out what was in my shorts that were left out overnight by the pool after an evening of skinny dipping. Would any of you believe the critter in this picture was in my shorts? Oh, and by the way, do any of you blokes/blokettes (or sheilas if you prefer) up north know what it is?




Let these next pictures be a warning to all you impressionable youths. DON'T DRINK IN THE POOL LOUNGE!!! Cus bad things can happen...

It began as just an ordinary afternoon in the pool...

Ahhhhhh, what a nice day...



But all of a sudden, and without warning, a massive tsunami hit the pool!

HELP!




Auuucckkkk!!!




Don't worry about me, save the BEER!



Fortunately for the beer, calm was soon restored:




Here's hoping y'all have a great holiday season!

Cheers from Oz,
dave

Alien Aerial Armada Attempts Atomic Airborne Assault Against Adelaide Arboretum

1st Dec, 2008 by The AAA (Authentic Amateur Antipodean) News Service a subsidiary of the Weekly World News

South Australian plantologists awoke this morning to a scene of utter horror. During the night alien UFO's beheaded an entire population at a local arboretum. Some witnesses described the aliens as "two-headed Elvis clones." This reporter is skeptical of those accounts as we all know the alien Elvis clones have 3 heads.

The following photos show the gruesomeness of the killing spree. Please ask your small children to leave the room. These pictures were taken before a forensic team arrived and were photographed as they were found.





The severed heads were eventually found on what appears to be some type of sacrificial table.






"Well, we are obviously dealing with some sort of demonic creature capable of cold-blooded acts of malice." According to Bill McAllister.

Speaking anonymously and off the record, Bill McAllister said, "Gosh, I didn't even know that Sarah knew there was anything south of the equator. Is that where all the dinosaurs went after the flood?"

Local detective Tom Baker has some astute observations, "If you'll notice that the severed heads were not only brought up to their sacrificial table, which of course indicates great claw strength, you'll also note the interesting pattern of gouges in the heads; presumably from some kind of gigantic beak."







AAA has just found a local amateur (very amateur) photographer who happened to get a few fuzzy pictures of the aliens. He prefers to remain anonymous as he claims to have been abducted by feathered aliens many times and subjected to various sexual experiments.

The local crackpot continued blabbering on about an alien invasion while cleaning his pool, but here's the blurry photos he claims to have taken during the latest alien incursion.







This news of alien invaders has all the locals in complete pandemonium:









When pressed for an interview or comment, the Australian Prime Minister appeared to be channeling a witch hunter from the arctic regions as he replied, "Hee, hee! Off with his head!"