The Midnight Prowler

No, this isn't a story of my Cat (The Fanged Terror, His Royal Highness, Prince Bagheera, Blackness Personified, Lord And Master Of All He Surveys, otherwise known as Dipshit). This is the story of what you hear on your roof and on your upper deck in the wee hours of the morning...

The story starts with Dave (that's me) being woken...

Oh, wait: WP stands for "Wifey-Poo", otherwise known as "The Most Wonderful Woman In The Entire World"; just so ya know.


4:30 am

WP "There's something on the roof."

WP "Psst, wake up. There's someone on the roof."

WP then kicks and elbows YT (yours truly, that's me).

YT "huuuhhhh, wwwhhaaa... yessssh dear... whatever you'd like..."


4:31 am

WP "I've been listening to something on the roof and the deck for a while!"

YT "... huuunnnhhhh..."

WP "Something's on the ROOF!"

YT "Ummmm, I'm not hearing anything..."

WP "Wait, you'll hear it... It sounds like feet scampering around on the deck, SHHHH!"

YT "Yes dear..."


4:40 am

YT "I'm not hearing anything... The wind is blowing and it's probably just a branch on the gutters."

WP "I KNOW what a branch sounds like! This was the sound of feet pattering about on the roof and thumping on the deck!"

--Sudden sound of CLAWS scrambling up and along the roof... pitter-patter of feet above our heads--


4:40:30 am

YT "Honey, there's something on the roof."

WP "I KNOW!"

YT "I'm sure it's just a possum."

WP "But it could be a prowler."


4:41 am

--THUMP onto the upper deck, sound of feet scampering across the deck two feet from us--

YT "Yup, that's a four-footed critter, 10 to 20 pounds. Either a possum or a cat."

WP "Are you sure?"

YT "Do I sound that dainty when I'm on the roof cleaning the gutters?"

WP "No."

YT "So, it's not a prowler, right?"

WP "Riiiiggghhhtttt..."


4:42 am

--CLAWS scramble up the drainpipe right outside our heads, and a shadow flits outside of a window along the upper roof slates--

YT "See, just a possum, I just saw it."

WP "whimper..."

YT "Cute little bugger too."

WP "ummmmm..."


4:42:30 am

--claws and feet skimper along the roof over our heads--

YT "It's just a possum, go back to sleep."

WP "..."

YT "Look, there he is! Right outside the other window on the roof-beam."


4:43 am

--YT peels back sheets from over WPs head--

YT "See, it's just a possum. I see the arched back, the possum nose, and the foofy (oh good god, I actually SAID that word!!!!) tail."

WP "Awwww, he's cute. Look, honey! A cute ring-tail possum on our rooftop."

YT "Snore."


So, the moral to this story is... Ahhh, there isn't one.

Anyways, the new name of the clan house is "The Possum Lodge" With all due respects to Red Green, of course.