Saturday, February 27, 2010

Alien Abduction Interruption --Due to NEWBORN joining the Clan!

I do believe that some of you were expecting the next episode of my TOTALLY TRUE Alien Abduction story --the writing of which I had absolutely ZERO help from any ghostwriters-- but I really do knead a bit more time for the next few episodes.

Why? Well, see, I, ummmm, kinda, sorta like, DIDN'T have a camera on the alien spaceship! Thus far I've been uploading true, non-photoshopped and non-digitally enhanced pics cus Wifey-Poo (The Most Wonderful Woman In The Entire World) took them with the camera.

However, in order to bring my adventures aboard the Evil Alien Spaceship to life for my readers, I need pictures. That's cus all you young'uns are of the telly generation so words just won't cut it for ya. This means I'm trying (desperately before I forget) to recollect from the depths of my subconscious (scary place, you should hear about my dreams sometime) just what went on while I was an undead, brain-eating, lightning-charged sledgehammer wielding, zombie on board the alien spaceship.

Needless to say (much less write) this involves 3 different 3d programs, 2 rendering engines, and 2 imaging programs. I shall say that you will be blown away by the images of me running amok on the alien spaceship, smashing their heads in, and devouring their brains.

Those images, however, do take, of course, some time. So be patient. Or don't. Your choice.

Why is it taking so long? Cus my newborn hybrid cross betwixt Yours Truly and the Evil Alien Queen has just hatched! More about this will be at the end of today's post.

But in the meantime feel free to catchup with story!

Act I
Act II
First Intermission
Act IV
Act V
Second Intermission
Act VI

Another reason is that some anonymous blogger who shall remain unnamed has tagged me. And I must say she --Oops! I mean, uh, iT-- must have some really long arms to tag me all the way down here. I am supposed to list 7 (seven) things about me that you couldn't learn from perusing my blog. AND I have to be honest!


Double shit.

I've never been what you might call "normal" so I'm not going to list the 7 things all at once. I'll be peppering them into posts whenever I feel like it or whenever I think I can get away with making shit up about me.

And I won't be passing this tag along. Cus I've never been a tagalong! Ha! Funny.

The First Thing About Me That You Won't Yet Have Learned From Reading This Blog: When I left Fairbanks to venture to the land of Oz, not one single person I knew in Squarebanks felt the need to give me a going away party. Nope, not one. No one from work, no one from UAF, no one from the fencing club. Nadda. Zip.


For some reason I seem to have a gift --no ladies, this is not the gift about me being able to lick my eyebrows--, and this gift takes the form of my being able to make a funny caption or humorous story from seeing ANY picture.

Really! I can. Take this one for example:
cat playing the flute

When I first saw the picture that I had tooken, I thought about a cat playing a flute. But then I realised he was first chomping holes in the reed in order to be able to play it. See? Easy stuff.

Another example is when I saw the header picture on some particular unnamed female's blog and you'll note I've gone to great pains to shield her identity by scribbling out the name of the blog:

What was my first thought upon seeing this picture you might ask?

Secret message from sacro-lumbar region to cervical vertebrae region: If the stupid brain tells the arms to load ANOTHER one of these boulders into the backpack then I'm going on strike! Are you with me?

Reply: Done and DONE!

Isn't it easy? Ok, here is one for you to try:
sunlight and wings

Give it a go mates! You'll never know what funny twaddle can spew forth from your brain if you never give it a chance. Just use the comments, no worries.


Another topic change...

Can you stand just one more "spot the damned koala" contest? Oh you can! Goody! In that case I'll post a picture down below and ANYONE who can tell me approximately where in the photograph the koala is will win a wallpaper of any of my pictures! Just make sure you tell me your screen size in pixels and what picture (or type of picture) you'd like when you send in your comment with the whereabouts of the koala.







Are you ready?


can u find the koala

Newsflash!!!!!! The cat --Lord And Master Of All He Surveys, Protector Of The Weak, Lord Of The Rift, Defender Of The Faithful, CEO Of The Secret Cat Society, Godfather To The Godfather, Prince Bagheera-- really doesn't care too much about this contest:
tired cat

Breaking news! I've found out that winter is still hanging around Squarebanks. Therefore I shall NOT be posting any pictures like this one about how bloody cold it is down in Oz:

And this brings me to my new hatchling...

Oops, I've just noticed that when I write long posts I don't get many comments so I'd better save the story about the spawn of the cross betwixt Yours Truly and the Evil Alien Leader till another post.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Alien Abduction Act VII: Zombie Dave Is Transported To The Alien Warship!

Woo-Hoo! Finally the start of the episodes that you really want to see! Remember, I'm piecing this all together from not only Wifey-Poo's recollection of events down here on Earth, but from my deep, dark, dank, sub-conscious which was, of course, dutifully recording all the events that transpired on the alien warship so that I might faithfully put them down to words and pictures for your enjoyment!

But... (and it's a great, big butt) there are a few things to write about first.

Did any of you blokes notice that last Sunday the 14th of February, 2010 was Valentines day? And did any of you blokettes out there notice that your bloke forgot that last Sunday the 14th of February, 2010 was Valentines day?

Note: If you are a blokette who has a sheila for a partner, then I must say you've both had a great Valentine's Day since you both obviously remembered. If you're a bloke with a bloke partner however, neither of you have any idea what holiday I'm talking about, so no worries mates and grab another slab of tinny's!

So, Valentine's Day. Also known as the most commercially manufactured holiday EVER! So what did Yours Truly (don't swoon ladies, I'm human) and Wifey-Poo (The Most Wonderful Woman in The Entire World) do?

We went to a restaurant that not only had neither of us been to, but we'd never had that cuisine.

Nepalese food rocks! Very much like Indian --hey, the Kathmandu Valley is very very very close to India, doncha know--, but with some subtle differences.

Check out a very nice restaurant in Glenelg! Go ahead and peruse the menu, no worries. If you've got your speakers turned on then you already know what I had. Yes, I had the Khasi Tarkari --goat curry.

Most excellent! Delicious! Tender pieces of goat that melt in your mouth!

And the roti was to die for! Best roti I've ever had and that includes the stuff I make myself.

Highly recommended.

The other thing we did was wander around Glenelg and take loads of pictures. Summer at Glenelg beach and foreshore, 100 F, in Oz, on a weekend... Yup, lot's of photo ops! But I'm sure none of you in that other hemisphere would be in the least bit interested in seeing the photos so they'll keep. I'll tell ya though, the EMT babes on mountain bikes patrolling around were pretty hot!


Did you know that The Cat --His Royal Highness, Lord And Master Of All He Surveys, Defender Of The Innocent, Lord Of The Rift, and All-Around Good-Guy, Prince Bagheera-- is musically inclined?

It's true; I kid you knot! He loves to play a reed flute! In fact, he even makes his own! I'm impressed. I finally got a good picture of The Cat --His Royal Highness, Lord And Master Of All He Surveys, Defender Of The Innocent, Lord Of The Rift, and All-Around Good-Guy, Prince Bagheera-- making a reed flute!

Here he is very carefully putting holes in the reed:
cat playing the flute

He has to be very careful chomping the holes in the reed as his jaw and fangs can easily break the bones in your hand! I know this from experience.

Oh, there's a contest going on, you betcha! Remember this photo?
what critter left this

Well (and that's a very deep subject), since no one has tried to guess what critter it was that left the "sign" and what it was eating (No, it WASN'T me!), I've decided to give you a hint. At the end of this post. AND the cash prize is down to US$5 cus I really think you'll figure it out. Of course, you'll have to read about me being transported to the alien warship first...

Alien Abduction Act VII! Dave finds the alien transporter!!!!

When we, meaning the clan or family unit, moved into this house a few years ago we noticed there was a pyramid on the top of the roof. In fact, this pyramid is even visible from outer space --probably visible from inner space too, but that's a totally different bedtime story for you kiddies.

See? Here's the satellite shot of the pyramid on the roof:

Now let me show you the view I have from the ground. And keep in mind that, for some unknown reason, the pyramid on the roof of the house we've been living in for the last 3 years seemed to strangely attract me when I was an undead, lightning-zapped, brain-eating, re-animated, living-undead, sledge-hammer wielding zombie!

This is the view I'd see each morning as the UV fried my dead eyeballs:
pyramid 01

Naturally, being a zombie, I just HAD to get a closer look!
pyramid 02

At this point something dark, sinister, and deeply buried inside me must've just SNAPPED! Lightning began shooting out of my sledge-hammer and I shot like a bolt up to the rooftop to do battle with the Evil Alien Pyramid!

With this Sledge-Hammer, I shall slay thee demon-alien spawn!
dave vs the alien pyramid

A titanic battle ensued betwixt my zombie self and the Evil Alien Pyramid, the likes of which not seen since the first mate of the Titanic got the Captain stoned and he steered her into an iceberg (thank you Jamie Brockett)!
the windup

My zombie self somehow found the force of will to finally land a mighty blow of the lightning-charged sledgehammer upon the Evil Alien Pyramid!

The mighty force from my sledgehammer opened an inter-dimensional portal to the Evil Alien Warship and I rocketed upwards to wage war with the Evil Aliens and eat their brains --cus that's what zombies do, dontcha know *wink*.
into orbit

Stay tuned for Alien Abduction Act VIII: Zombie Dave Battles The Aliens!


I gotta tell ya the more I recollect about my completely, 100% factual, honest-to-god, alien abduction, the more glad I am that my abduction wasn't like what others report. Cus the standard alien abduction usually goes something like this:

"Duh, hu-yuck. Ah wuz dravin' thru duh cornfields afta droppin' off muh cuzzin laight at naight when allovuhsuddenlike ah see's these goll-danged briaght liaghts. Next thin' ah knows is thaight ah'm ona 'peratin' tay-bull with weird stuff bein' shoved up muh butt. Now's since eet whunint Friaday naight down at th' bar ah's phigurred it muhsta been them dang-ed ALIENS!"

Yup, glad that kind of alien abduction story didn't happen to me!


Well, I promised you a hint on identifying the critter that left the sign and what the critter was eating, so here is your hint:
critter signs

Should be easy now, and that's why it's only worth USD$5 now.

Hey, pssst! Over here... For those of you who love spicy food, dave has made a hot sauce. It lives right here: Dingo Dave's Dangerously Hot Chili Sauce. This is not for the faint of heart!

BONUS! Another thrilling Conversation With Wifey-Poo!

Yours Truly: Honey! I need help!

Wifey-Poo: *a LOT of help* Oh, what happened dear?

YT: I haven't posted a funny conversation betwixt us in yonks!

WP: Your point being?

YT: I need you to think of something really funny really fast.

WP: I am married to the most studly guy in the entire world and I would be totally lost without him and his awesome masculinity.

YT: Well I know THAT! But I still need something funny to write!

WP: Just type it in exactly as I said it.

YT: But, but...

WP: You've got smart readers, they'll get it.

YT: Ooooookay, but only if you're sure.

WP: Oh I'm very sure they'll get the joke.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Alien Abduction Act VI Zombie Dave Cooks!

Don't worry, I haven't abandoned this ultra-factual memoir of my Alien Abduction. Nope, I'm not quitting partway through to write a book of fiction, no sirree! *wink*

Before I continue with my sure-to-be pulitzer prize winning prose, shall we have some birdy pics? Yes, we shall.

Really, the cockatoos do look dignified most of the time:
dignified cockatoo

But not all the time...
undignified cockatoos

Should I take pity on all of you amateur koala spotters and show you where the koala was hiding in the previous contest?

Of course I shall cuz I'm all nice like that!

here it is

Aaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnd here's a zoomed in picture:
found the koala

Alien Abduction Act VI! Zombie Dave Cooks --well, sorta...

Wifey-Poo had decided that once she got me calmed down that perhaps I could help out a bit around the house. Hmmmmmm, a lightning-zapped, undead, zombie with a lightning-charged sledgehammer who doesn't think for himself --ok, that last part is pretty normal for Yours Truly. Gee, what possible use could he be?????

Well, for starters you can have him crush some crackers for use in a stuffing!
dave crushing crackers

At this point WP decided she didn't want lightning zapping all through the kitchen and the house, so she shoved an extension cord somewhere up my person and plugged the a/c in so as I helped in the kitchen I'd cool the house down!

Here I am stuffing the chicken after crushing crackers for the stuffing:
dave stuffing a chook

Powdering dried rosemary was no a problem either:
dave powdering rosemary

Punching down bread dough was fairly simple, but I did put a few dents in the bowl...
dave punching down dough

I tenderized steaks in record time too.
dave tenderizing a steak

At this point I wandered outside (WP unplugged the extension cord quickly) and stared around and around and around...

Coming Up: ACT VII Zombie dave finds the transporter to the alien ship!

Oh, wait! I almost forgot something! I'm going to give all my readers ANOTHER chance to win the USD$10. Ain't I nice?

All you need to do is figure out what kind of critter left this sign (should be easy) AND what was the critter eating?


Get set...


what critter left this

Just leave your guess in the comments, no worries.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Alien Abduction Second Intermission --Last Chance at The Money!

Ah tells ya, Ah'm dissuhpointtud whit y'all.

Really now! I even gave you a hint as to what to be looking for. Sigh...

Ok, last bit of help I giving you to help find the koala will be the full sized original picture at 2848x2136 pixels. Just click on the below pic to embiggin it.

Hmmmm, blogger don't wanna embiggin it any larger than 1600 by 1200, but that should STILL be large enough for someone to find the koala. And in case y'alls phoorgotin, here's what you are looking for:
hidden koala

It's getting harder and harder to give money away these days... sigh. There is now a 24 hour clock countdown on the final part of the contest starting right now as I type this! Just so you know, it is 6:19 PM on Wednesday, February 10th, 2010, RIGHT NOW! That's Adelaide, South Oz time BTW.


Bonus Conversation with Wifey-Poo (The Most Wonderful Woman In The Entire World) and Yours Truly (that'd be me --don't swoon ladies, I'm human).

YT walks into the back lounge where WP is hard at work grinding her fingers to the bone on the keyboard in order to get the next novel done by the deadline...

YT: Hi honey!

WP: *grumble* Hello dear! *go. a.w.a.y.*

YT: I got a couple of movies picked out for tonight. Which one do you think MIL would like?

WP: And the options are? *shithead*

YT: Well, we have either The Non-Talkative Bloke, or The Pierced Bloke With The Account at Monty's Bistro.

WP: Ummmmmmm... *ummmmmmmmm...*

WP: Ah! Let's go with the first one; The Quiet Man; after all, it's one of mom's favorites.

YT: Cool.

WP: Well, the choice came down to whichever title I could figure out and this time I seriously have no idea what the second one is.

YT: Simple! It's Guy Pearce starring as Dante in the 2002 version of Dumas' The Count of Monte Cristo.

WP: *SOB* Yes dear. You can go back to the kitchen now.

YT: Cool!

Monday, February 08, 2010

Alien Abduction Act V The Taming of The Shrewd!

I know, I know. I can hear you all starting to snore! Don't worry, I'll be getting up to the alien spaceship soon and then eating alien brains --remember, I'm still an undead, lightning-zapped, crazed, sledgehammer-wielding zombie at this point in the story.

I swear it's true. *wink*

Wifey-Poo had decided that I may be of some help around the house now that I was a zombie and didn't have much of a will of my own. She first, however, had to calm me down a bit...

***********breaker, breaker!!!!**************

3 of you are trying to find the koala from last post (probably only cuz I'm giving away ten dollars) and so far you are all way off. So here's a hint: Try looking for THIS bloke!
hidden koala

I'm also going to let you know that at the end of this post I have an actual picture of Sarah Palin flaunting her wares to distract everyone around so they won't notice her crapping on others! Don't scroll down and cheat!

***********back to the story****************

At first wifey-poo was a little nervous about getting me calmed down as all I was doing was standing out in the backyard yelling and waving my trusty sledgehammer around. And the residual lightning that had animated my drowned corpse was still coursing through both me and the sledgehammer.

See what I mean:
more zombie dave02b

more zombie dave01a

Not exactly a sight WP wanted to wake up to each morning...
more zombie dave03a

Fortunately it was only my shirt being ripped to shreds...
more zombie dave04a

Eventually I calmed down when Wifey-Poo assured me that since there are so many birds around I'll have no problem finding plenty of brains to feed upon --this explains why I'm a birdbrain now, eh?

So here I am all mellowed out and ready to help around the house!
more zombie dave05a

Coming up next: Zombie dave helps around the house! With a sledge-hammer.


We're still in our hot summer months down here. Today wasn't too bad, 101 F in the shade and 127 F in the sun. Pool water was at 86 F so after watching the 'Aints win the Super Bowl I relaxed in the pool.

But you don't get a picture of that. Mainly cuz I wasn't doing anything silly or stupid in the pool so I figured y'all wouldn't be interested. BTW, how's winter going for everyone up in that other hemisphere?

Getting a lot of tomatoes. Last count was 1,134 harvested! Here's a pic of bunch of nice, juicy, creamy, hot-off-the-vine, yellow tomatoes.
yellow tomatoes
Next year we're putting in 2 or 3 yellow 'mata plants!

upsidedown cockatoo
Oi mate! If you take this picture I'm gonna fly over there, claw your eyes out and shove that camera somewhere BAD!

Hmmmmm, guess that explains why I can't see today and am walking funny...

And now... the picture you've all really been waiting for: An actual photograph taken by Yours Truly (don't swoon ladies, I'm human) of Sarah Palin flaunting herself shamelessly in front of her admirers in the hopes that none of them notice her crapping on anyone she doesn't like!






galah wingspread

I guess that little sparrow down below on the bricks didn't kiss her ass enough!

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Alien Abduction Act IV... Live! Damn you, LIVE!

For those of you who came in late to the tail (and a long one at that) of dave's alien abduction, perhaps these will help:


Act I

Act II

First Intermission


Alrighty then. Now that we've got the backstory crap out of the way for all the Johnny-come-lately's, let's get down to brass tacks.

I know I've been promising all of you pics of the aliens that abducted me, and I do feel bad *cough, cough, BULLSHIT* that I've been recalcitrant in showing you a picture so I will now rectify the situation.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

I hope this doesn't give you nightmares. Or daymares, or nightstallions.

Ahem... Here is the pic:
wolfman cat
Welcome to the view I wake up to every morning!

Beefour I continue on with my TRUE alien abduction story, I figure I'd better give all you birders out there something to ooo and ahh over...
lorikeet acrobatics
At least these blokes are the quiet ones in the mornings...


When last we left out hero, yours truly, he was dead and had been given a burial at pool. Little did Wifey-Poo realise though that there was a storm headed in the general direction of the whereabouts of a certain dead bloke from Alaska who know lives (lived) in Oz.

Got that?

Something that may interest you, well... maybe not, when the bloody hot weather breaks down here in South Oz it does so with a BANG. In fact, it does so with multiple bangs. These multiple bangs are the result of an uncountable number of lightning strikes that occur as humid, cool air pours into the dry and disgustingly hot region known as Adelaide, South Oz.

It's our own natural fireworks display!


Not a time for smart folk to be in a pool.

But if you are already dead then what the heck! Go For It! After all, you only live once. Or twice if you are lucky.

Wifey-Poo was certainly not game enough to go out at midnight in the middle of a lightning storm to check on my status --which at this point should be a little pile of cinders atop a half-deflated inflatable pool lounger that is floating in the pool.

So she waited until morning. She went out to check on the tomatoes and chilli plants, and too also see if there were any parrots around in the backyard that may want a treat. I think she also too realised that she would probably need to clean the pool after the myriad of lightning strikes betwixt midnight and 3 AM.

However, when she stepped outside, she certainly did NOT expect to see anything like this!









brain-eating, Yours Truly?

Of course you are, otherwise you wouldn't still be reading!

This view greeted WP as she went out to the backyard that fateful morning...
zombie dave 01

I have been told that, apparently, the first morning was, shall we say, rather exciting, but, of course, not in a good way; but, then again, not exactly in a bad way either and the fact that I was an undead, brain-eating, lightning-zapped, sledgehammer-wielding, zombie-type critter just may, I say may, have had something to do with the fact that I had a slight tendency, on the first morning, to react rather, shall we say... rather badly when I was asked to do something.

According to eyewitnesses (that'd be Wifey-Poo) my reaction appeared thusly:
zombie dave 02

Don't miss the next exciting episode: Act V, The Taming of The Shrewd!


Dave's Big Giveaway!

This won't be a regular feature as I don't have much money in my PayPal account, but I do happen to have USD$10 just burning a hole in my pocket --or rather PayPal's pocket. The first one who can tell me WHERE in this picture the koala is gets it! The money, not the koala.

Just grab a virtual pen and circle where you see the koala and email it back to me. Or post it to your own blog and leave a comment directing me to where your pic is and I'll send USD$10 to the first person who successfully spots the koala!

I think this pic will also vividly show you why I am also one of the world's greatest koala spotters, so there! Hmmph.

hidden koala 01

The contest ends whenever the heck I say it does.