Step Right Up and ALL Your Questions Will Be Answered!

Yes indeedy all you little ladies! Just step right up to the Imaginarium of Doctor Dave and all your answers will be questioned!

or something like that

Can anyone guess what film we watched last night? Anyone? Just leave a comment. HINT: It really plumm-s the depp-ths...

Butt I do have two answers for you --don't swoon ladies, I'm human-- instead of only the one you may or may not have been expectorating.

Firstly: why my but was sore and bruised. It has to do with my back. And pressure points. Yes, I had a visit to my chiro a week before my birthday. Wee-Hoo!!!! Happy Birthday to me; here dave, go ahead and treat yourself to a sore ass!

Butt no, it really did help. She had to do some serious work on the pressure points of my right glute with her elbow in order to get the swelling and pain to go away. It worked! She really is amazing, dontcha know. Heck, I can even go in for stuffed sinuses and a few deftly applied thumbs to the top of my neck and all the sinus pressure is GONE.

Alice is cool. Ummmmm, that's Dr Lay actually.

Much better than modern drugs. Butt that's just me.

*********************************************************************

Next answer: My age.

It's sorta kinda like gettin' up there. *wink*

In fact, I am now 2.659009203 *10 ^ 53 planck time units old, and my back with its 4 compressed vertebrae, off-kilter pelvis, off-kilter shoulders, and twisted neck vertebrae feel EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. of those planck time units.

I suspect that 3 (three) of my readers can figure out my age. The rest of you can go bugga off mates!

Ha-rumph.


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It's been a while since I've put up some pictures of Australian wildlife. I shall fix that problem.

I think this lorikeet had it's neck lock. I can relate.

Dude, just give Alice a ring! She'll fix it!

It's quite common for Aussie ladies going au natural to ask me if I think their butt is too big. Here's proof.

Ooooh dave, does my butt look too big?

Wouldn't you just hate to wake up with this bloke staring at you?




The other day I noticed this critter. Not sure whether it's an ant pretending to be a spider or a spider pretending to be an ant. Either way, I wasn't gonna get any closer!

Judging by the eyes, I'm guessing spider.

There's a koala asleep here somewhere...




Oh, why look! Here it is:




This flying bloke picked just the COOLEST LOOKING plant to hang out on!




Just now many cats can YOU find in this picture?




As always just leave your guesses in the comments to anything I may or may not have mentioned, no worries mates.

One last thing... As I'm sure you have all already sent birthday presents/offerings to me (don't swoon ladies, I'm human) I have, most regrettably, yet to receive any of them. Therefore I've decided that all the birthday pressies I receive from you, my loyal readers, shall be put under the tree for Christmas.

Just remembered!

A conversation with Wifey-Poo!

Just a reminder, WP is Wifey-Poo, otherwise known as The Most Wonderful Woman In The Entire World, and YT is Yours Truly --don't swoon ladies, I'm human.

*YT walks into mission control (the 'puter room) carrying his best steel wok*

YT: Honey?

WP: Yes dear? *crap, what does that idiot want now?*

YT: I need to check my tags. Do you know where they are?

WP: ??????????? *????????????????*

YT: You know, my hunting tags.

WP: I'm totally clueless with this one. *can't he EVER let me work without some dumbass conversation?*

YT: I just need to make sure it's the right time of year for this.

WP: For what?

YT: Well, I need to season the wok!

WP: *SOB*


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And on a final note... If none of you ask where I got or why I use the fraze "don't swoon ladies, I'm human" then I'm just gonna... ummmm, errrrrr, KEEP USING IT!

So there.

Meet the new arrival to the household!

Yes, you read that right! There is a new arrival in the house. Her momma was born here too! Yup, that's us; critters fornicating and birthing right in the house.

And the best part is I don't have to feed it.

Nor walk it.

Nor listen to it yowl at 5 am demanding fish and then going out.

It's quiet.

Keeps the mossies out too.


Isn't it juuuuuust soooooo cute?

Unlike this ugly bugga...






And here's Sarah Palin glaring at Tawd!

Hey! Looks at MY boobs, not hers!

Alien Abduction --First Intermission with Snacks!

Do y'all know in them new-fangled moving picture thingy's called "films" they've started putting in intermission breaks? So's this's sorta somethin' like that.

For the snacks, just make yourself some popcorn and enjoy the next couple of minutes. And then I'll be back to the Alien Abduction story, no worries.

Here's a pic of the fruit of my labor. Specifically, tomatoes. More specifically; vine-ripened, cherry truss tomatoes. Totally organic. No spraying, no chemical fertilizer, just grown in good ole-fashioned cow crap.





And finally, I've got 3 pics of some very friendly, fuzzy, cute, Aussie critters. If this don't wanna make you visit Oz, then nothing will!

Here's one of the like tykes being friendly with my left calf.




I then decided to lift the little bloke up and let him sun himself.




He then figured that my arm was a great place to work on his tan.




So, like, who's up for a visit?

Prelude To An Alien Abduction! *UPDATED*

Has anyone noticed I haven't posted for a while? And I haven't made snarky comments on blogs I peruse?

Why?

Because I was recently abducted by aliens! That's why! Heck if you'd read the title of the blog post you'd have known that little fact. Unlike most fabricated stories of alien abduction, mine is different.

How different, you ask?

Well, it started off when I died --this was before the abduction. And I HAVE PROOF! In picture form! And no, I didn't photoshop none of the pics!

Oops, getting ahead of myself again. You'll just have to wait as the entire story unfolds over several posts. I'll just bet that the Weekly World News will pay seriously big $$$$$$ for this story!

It all started in November with this picture:



And I asked you all to try to figure out just what the heck was going on. Obviously, your imagination is not anywhere near mine as none of the guesses were anywhere close to being on target.

The whole story involves Yours Truly (that'd be me, don't swoon ladies I'm human), my hat, a mirror, a sledgehammer, two pool floatation devices, a meat cleaver, a shampoo bottle, two rolls of duct tape, flowers, and my own homebrewed beer. Lots of beer.

Stay tuned for the next part of dave's alien abduction coming soon to a blog near YOU!

*******************************

Next topic: A conversation with Wifey-Poo.

The scene: WP is in the kitchen making a cuppa, YT walks in...

YT: Hi honey. *much kissing and smooching betwixt WP and YT*

WP: Hello dear.

YT reaches for a big ole kitchen knife.

WP: Ummmmmmm...

YT reaches for the big ole kitchen knife sharpener.

WP: Ummmm, was it something I said?

YT: I thought I'd spice things up!

WP: Huh??!!!?!??

YT: Oh you know, a dull knife is just so boring.

WP: That's bad, really bad. *that's bad, really bad*



********************************

Next topic; whereupon I rescue a cute, fuzzy critter that fell into the pool!

This morning as I was watering the tomato plants I noticed something floundering around in the pool. The poor thing looked half-drowned and had managed to somehow crawl upon the floating board we keep in the pool for serving drinks. It looked so tired and I knew right away there was no way the poor thing could fly away. I certainly didn't want to be responsible for the drowning of a cute, fuzzy critter so I rescued it and carefully returned it to it's natural habitat.

But not before I took pictures to share my good deed with my loyal readers --that'd be you, BTW.

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************UPDATE!!!!!***************

I'm posting this picture because some unnamed person in Squarebanks wanted to know what the FRONT of those type of spiders looks like... So blame her, not me.


WARNING! Very scary picture below... the stuff of nightmares.
















You've been duly warned...

The Stuff Nightmares Are Made Of

Have you ever woke up suddenly in the middle of the night because some weird fanged beastie is gnawing upon your arms?

Or perhaps you've been startled awake by the same furry beastie tapping on your nose with a single, long claw? Worse yet, on your lips or even *shudder* an eyelid!

Welcome to my world!

And I have really weird dreams. Sometimes cool, sometimes scary.

I blame this:






and these




and these ones especially:




and even this expression!




these fangs look deadly




and these ones look like they could take your arm off




Of course, there's the off chance that my nightmares could be caused by either of these:







Sweet dreams everybody! Don't let the bedbugs bite!

but if they do then use dynamite

Yea Though I Walk Through The Valley...

...of the Fiery, Flaming, Frizzling, Febrile, Furnace of non-Frigidity...

I shall fear no Heat





For I have the help of the Sacred Saint Wenceslas to help cool myself...









Well, ok, it's kinda hard to follow Wenceslas' footsteps into the pool... And he did warm the page up instead of cooling him off. Damn, this jus' don't make no sense 'tall. Sigh.

Onto something serious!

Did you know that we are still in spring? Yep, summer don't oh-phish-eealle start til December Oneth. This could be a rather warm summa down unda, mates.

I checked the BOM long range f'cast and have found out that we are supposed to have an 80% chance of higher than average temps for the fourth quarter of 2009. We are also supposed to have a 75% chance of less rainfall than average.

Hot and dry.

I think this is now the 10th year of the drought (I guess I brought it with me, sorry) and we've been on permenant water restrictions since I've been here. Yes, I know; it's all my fault!

I live in the driest state in the driest inhabited continent in the world.

No reason to blow my nose anymore as I just sorta chip away at the dried, yellow-brownish gunk encrusted about my outer nasal passages. *I hope you aren't eating lunch right now*

And speaking of eating, I'd suggest you put that donut and coffee down RIGHT NOW as I refuse to be held accountable for damages to your new keyboard as you spew all over it!

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The thievesssss. The dirty, little Thievesss. They stole it from us, my Preciousssss.

*please take notice, anything NOT in italics needs to be read in Smeagol's voice. You'll figure out the italics on your own, I'm sure*



Nasssssty little creature stole it from us, they did. Yesssss, my precious, they did... But how? How can we find the nasty thief who stole it from us?

My


Prrrrrrecious...

Look! It's gone!




Who could it be, precious? Who could it BEEEEE?

I know, my precious. Let's askes the nasty crittersssssss...




No, no. Not THAT one, my precious.

Ohhhh, my precious. This one looks guilty, doesn't itsssss.

No, so sorry to disappoint my good fellow, but I was asleep the whole time you see.

Oh, perhaps. We shall see. Oh yes, we shall ssssseeeeee!


No, not these two tricksessss. We hatess their eyeses, we do!




Aaaaaagh! Get its AWAY!!!! Gets its AWAAAAAAY!




Aiiigh! The sunlight burnses us, it does my precious! Could not have been that one!

I say, my good fellow. Would you be so kind as to fetch us a crumpet?

Oh my precious... we must finds the filthy little thief! Yes, we must!

I say, my good man. I've been out here all afternoon and couldn't possibly have stolen anything.


Oh no, my precious. Not this one. This one couldn't possibly have stolen it!




But what about this one, my precious?

*snore*



This one lookssesss guilty, my love.

Nope, not me.



Coulds its be this one, my precious?

Yo Adrian!



Ahhhh, see my precious? We've founds its! Yes, the thief!

If I had done it then I wouldn't have left evidence.



But who? Who could it be, precious??? Aiiiiigggghhhh!

No, not this one silly...

*pppphhhhbbtbtt*



Oh my precious, we are close, yes we are!




Ah! The Thief! The nasty, little THIEF!





*Editors note*

In order to keep my drumstick-like calves attached to the rest of my body --as opposed to being inside a panther's belly, I decided to give the cat a nice meal of fish that evening.

I Should Wash My Shorts More Often...

... cus you never know just what you'll find in them! Especially if you've left them out by the pool for a few nights.

No, it wasn't one of these:




It was (fortunately) one of these:

Cute little bugga too.

The cat, as usual, could seriously not care less:




Random crap:

Scram! He's got a camera!




It's amazing how this:


can become this:




Coming soon to a blog near you: RED HOT EXCLUSIVE PHOTOS OF LEVI JOHNSTON AND KATHY GRIFFIN GETTIN' IT ON!! DON'T TOUCH THAT DIAL!