How to be funny...

...looking!

Ha, ha! No, I joke. Although I have been told that I'm funny looking, this post is not about how to look like me --d*mn*d good thing too!

No, this post is about how to be a world famous, independently wealthy, adored by millions of young bikini-clad bimbos, humour righter! Just like Yours Truly --don't swoon ladies, I'm human.

There's several ways you can make your blog funnier:

1) Don't make lists! Cus I hate them!

Try making up a fictional story from your childhood! Now, all of mine are completely true, of course.

Lie. Except when you aren't.

Poke fun at yourself. After all, everyone loves to laugh AT you instead of WITH you.

Intenshunully missspel werdz! Phonetics kan be phun!

Throuw grammer zpellin an punchooashun write outta da winder

Don't swear goddammit. Cussing isn't funy you dumm shit.

take and post pitchers of youselv doin stupid or funny things --this one is a favourite of mine!

Use sillie captions on pictures. Especially critter pitchers since we all luv to anthropomorphosise critters --Ummmmm, that does mean to be amorous with critters, doesn't it?

Make up knew werds! See whose smart enuff to figure em owt.

Don't use puns! Cuz they ain't punny 'cept to the punster. Besides, you'd faile as I iz way much beter at it then you.

2day you git some eggzampels of phuny pitcher capshuningness!



Ohhhh, ai shouldn't haz had da third pitcher uf catnip margaritas...




Arrrrr! Look lively ya bilge rats! And keep a weather eye out for the never-empty bag of sunflower seeds, arrrrrrr mateys!




Oh Cr*p! Momma always warned me not to look down!




In a victory for evolution, certain subspecies of Australian Honey Bees have developed an immunity to the deadly, paralyzing, toxic sting of the dangerous, lethal and venomous Australian Tree Anemone.

Meet the new arrival to the household!

Yes, you read that right! There is a new arrival in the house. Her momma was born here too! Yup, that's us; critters fornicating and birthing right in the house.

And the best part is I don't have to feed it.

Nor walk it.

Nor listen to it yowl at 5 am demanding fish and then going out.

It's quiet.

Keeps the mossies out too.


Isn't it juuuuuust soooooo cute?

Unlike this ugly bugga...






And here's Sarah Palin glaring at Tawd!

Hey! Looks at MY boobs, not hers!

Photographic Evidence of an Australian Bunyip!

And here y'all thought them's wuz mythical kreechurs!

Nope. Bunyips do exist. One just has to know where to find them, what their sign looks like, what they like to eat, and what they aren't.

And what they sound like! The sound you are hearing right now is an actual recording of a bunyip. There's the occasional parrot screech, of course, but the low level grunting is the bunyip. I think there were two of them. I, However, was not about to go into the bushes to count the bunyips cuz they are very very deadly and are the reason that koalas climb very high into the trees!

The first thing to finding a bunyip is finding a nice, dense, eucalypt forest. There are plenty of them down here in Australia which probably accounts for the reason they live here.

Just look for something like this:




You now need to look for some bunyip "sign". Their sign looks like giant, spiny, hollow, moose nuggets! Here's one I saw that instantly told me I was in bunyip territory!

The spinyness of the "sign" definitely accounts for why they are always so pissed off.

Next, we needed to set up some bunyip bait!

It's not that bunyips like sushi and champagne in the middle of the woods, but they like the way people taste AFTER aforementioned people have eaten the sushi and drank the champagne!


Of course you have to deal with all the other critters that are attracted to your sushi bait.


Punk-Rocker emus LOVE sushi!


This is not a bunyip. This is an Australian magpie --about the size of an Alaskan raven and very territorial!




And wherever you see eastern rosella parrots you'll be sure to find bunyips as the rosella make a nice appetizer for a juvenile bunyip.




I knew I had to be getting close to a bunyip lair! I noticed these galahs were not looking at me but they were instead looking past me into the bushes behind me!




I was thinking of shouting a warning to this bloke as he sped past me. See, I know for a fact that this path dead-ends and it's in the heart of bunyip country!





I hadn't seen the cyclist for well over 30 minutes when I decided to go investigate. I didn't have to go too far to find the bunyip lair!

Yikes! A lair of the dreaded Australian bunyip!!!!!



I found the bike, a torn jersey, mangled helmet and blood and gore nearby. No pictures of that as I was too busy puking my guts out! Just then, I heard a sound from the lair and turned towards it, camera ready!

And

I

saw

an

actual

bunyip!





I quickly jumped on the bike and high tailed it outta there! I think the only reason why I made it out alive is that the bunyip was quite obviously still digesting the cyclist!

True story! *ahem*

Even truer than my ongoing alien abduction saga, you betcha. *wink*

I feel like dying...

Don't bother calling the ambulance, just go straight for the undertaker.

Ugh.

Double ugh.

Butt I have knot let my loyal reeders down. No sirree! I've been working on the alien spaceship in between naps and delusionally, hallucinatory fits of semi-consciousnessitude.

And the A.S.S. (alien space ship) is looking great! Yes, even in my undead zombie state I still recalled what the ship that abducted me looked like before I ate all their brains.

If you are either knew two this blog ore are really confused, then just start here for the backstory:

Prelude
Act I
Act II
First Intermission
Act III
Act IV
Act V
Second Intermission
Act VI
Act VII

I'm still putting on the finishing touches of the ship but I felt like posting SOMETHING! Especially since know won has guessed which critter left the "sine" nor what the critter was eating. No, I'm not going to repost the pictures of the seed-laced critter crap, just look through the last few posts to find out what the are.

The critter: An emu! This should have been obvious since I've already posted pics of emu crap and identified it for you (hint, it's all about the bouquet, not the flavour).

It was eating: Rose-hips and brambleberries! Again, this would have been obvious if any of you were following my tweets about Wifey-Poo and I going out brambling and rose-hipping.

Really now, doesn't this just scream emu crap with organically processed rose-hips and brambles?





Moving on to more pleasant birdies...

I have a semi-decent picture of an Australian Superb Fairy Wren. These little buggas are small, flighty, and fast. The trick to getting a good picture is to find an area where you hope one of them may come along and then wait quietly. The waiting part can take a wee while but just think of it as kinda like communing with nature...




Quick! Is it a male or a female?

Did you know that the average mass of an adult fairy wren is 9 grams? Yep, pretty light. For those of you still living in the dark ages of measurement (metric is base TEN! Like the number of digits on your hands! Very handy!) and have no idea just how "heavy" 9 grams is, here's what you due.

Go to the kitchen. Put a bit of tap water into a glass. Go to the drawer with your wife's measuring spoons and grab a 1 teaspoon spoon. It'll probably be marked with something like "1 tsp". Now, cup one of your palms (upwards!) and carefully measure and pour 2 tsp of the tap water into your palm. Did you notice the HUGE mass of water in your hand? Well, a fairy wren is less than that by around 11%.

Oh, if you are in Fairbanks and live near the airport or along Chena Pump Road or Rosie Creek road then you only want 1 tsp of water as the water out there is so hard and so full of iron the all the faucets point northwards --at least that's what I've heard.

*********************************************************************

How do I feel today? I feel like I've been shot at and missed, but shit at and hit. Yes, I feel like shit.

Massive sinus, throat and ear infection on left side. And there's a lot of puffiness under my left eye so it looks like I've been in a punchup. I've been od-ing on echinacia, rosehip, vitamin C, and colloidal silver. I'm surprised I haven't turned blue with orange highlights...

And when I haven't been working my fingers to the bone while working on my A.S.S. --alien space ship-- for all of you, I have been doing this:




Almost forgot! I was tagged last post! So hear is the Second Thing About Me That You Won't Find Out About By Reading This Blog...

Ready?

And this is the TRUTH!

Ahem...

I know which direction the toilets in Australia flush in relation to those in the US! And I dare any of you sciencey types in the US to come up with the REAL answer! Bwuuu-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaaaaa!

And lastly, I have some pictures of a particular female that likes to hang around the backyard. Yes, Sarah Palin is back down unda!

I have two (count em) pictures of her! Stark naked Sarah Palin! In the first one she flaunts her feminine wares by exposing her Hairy Sarah Palin Armpit! And in the second one Sarah Palin Wanks My Woody!

Oooooo..... This should make for some interesting searches tonight...

Firstly, Sarah Palin showing her hairy armpits!




And here's Sarah Palin Wanking My Woody!

Oh baby, what sharp claws you have!

Alien Abduction Act V The Taming of The Shrewd!

I know, I know. I can hear you all starting to snore! Don't worry, I'll be getting up to the alien spaceship soon and then eating alien brains --remember, I'm still an undead, lightning-zapped, crazed, sledgehammer-wielding zombie at this point in the story.

I swear it's true. *wink*

Wifey-Poo had decided that I may be of some help around the house now that I was a zombie and didn't have much of a will of my own. She first, however, had to calm me down a bit...

***********breaker, breaker!!!!**************

3 of you are trying to find the koala from last post (probably only cuz I'm giving away ten dollars) and so far you are all way off. So here's a hint: Try looking for THIS bloke!




I'm also going to let you know that at the end of this post I have an actual picture of Sarah Palin flaunting her wares to distract everyone around so they won't notice her crapping on others! Don't scroll down and cheat!

***********back to the story****************

At first wifey-poo was a little nervous about getting me calmed down as all I was doing was standing out in the backyard yelling and waving my trusty sledgehammer around. And the residual lightning that had animated my drowned corpse was still coursing through both me and the sledgehammer.

See what I mean:






Not exactly a sight WP wanted to wake up to each morning...




Fortunately it was only my shirt being ripped to shreds...




Eventually I calmed down when Wifey-Poo assured me that since there are so many birds around I'll have no problem finding plenty of brains to feed upon --this explains why I'm a birdbrain now, eh?

So here I am all mellowed out and ready to help around the house!




Coming up next: Zombie dave helps around the house! With a sledge-hammer.

**************************************************************************

We're still in our hot summer months down here. Today wasn't too bad, 101 F in the shade and 127 F in the sun. Pool water was at 86 F so after watching the 'Aints win the Super Bowl I relaxed in the pool.

But you don't get a picture of that. Mainly cuz I wasn't doing anything silly or stupid in the pool so I figured y'all wouldn't be interested. BTW, how's winter going for everyone up in that other hemisphere?

Getting a lot of tomatoes. Last count was 1,134 harvested! Here's a pic of bunch of nice, juicy, creamy, hot-off-the-vine, yellow tomatoes.

Next year we're putting in 2 or 3 yellow 'mata plants!


Oi mate! If you take this picture I'm gonna fly over there, claw your eyes out and shove that camera somewhere BAD!

Hmmmmm, guess that explains why I can't see today and am walking funny...

And now... the picture you've all really been waiting for: An actual photograph taken by Yours Truly (don't swoon ladies, I'm human) of Sarah Palin flaunting herself shamelessly in front of her admirers in the hopes that none of them notice her crapping on anyone she doesn't like!

Ready?

Of

course

you

are.



I guess that little sparrow down below on the bricks didn't kiss her ass enough!

More Pretty Sarah Palin Pics

I figure since it's been a while since I've put up any cool Aussie bird pics that some of you may knot know what I see each morning when I get up to go have a quick dip in the pool.

Doesn't the facial expression of the galahs just sorta, kinda, MAYBE remind you of some particular Wasilla resident and ex-guv of Alaska?

First, here she is trying to hide from the media:

Ummmm, $arah, you aren't hiding very well.



And then she fixes her beady little eyes upon a certain youth of her dotter's --that's right, two t's!-- (quick, in what movie did Lee Marvin utter that line?) acquaintance:

Grrrrrrr!



Just a reminder, I've named one of the galahs that sometimes come by the backyard Sarah Palin.

And another reminder, not only is galah the type of parrot but it is also Aussie slang for a nong, meaning twit or idiot.