Friday, January 29, 2010

Alien Abduction Act III... Burial at Sea!

Obviously I'm sure you are waiting with baited breath (pee-uuu, please brush your teeth) for my funeral after I had the accident in the pool last Act, but I've got something to tell you first.

The number 839.

That's 839 tomatoes so far and at least another 300 still yet to ripen.

I've turned red.

And juicy.

And tasty.

Well, at least that's what Wifey-Poo says!

I also realise that some of you are waiting to see some alien pictures I have in my possession. I was going to make you wait until I arrived on the spaceship with my sledgehammer, but I think now I'll give you a closeup of one of them...




Of course you are...
alien critter

And now, back to the story! When we last left our hero he was laying facedown in the pool dead from a horrible shaving accident involving a meat cleaver.

Wifey-Poo will now take you through the burial!

Writing a eulogy is something I've always wanted to do. Writing the eulogy for one's husband, however, is something one doesn't(normally) think about. Or, not often. Unless he's deciding to ride his bike up a hill in 45 degrees C, in which case eulogizing is never far from the mind. And when he's deciding to shave in the pool, with a meat cleaver.

Now, it's altogether true that very few males of any species would seriously consider such a ludicrously hazardous endeavor, but Alaskan Dave is ... well, Alaskan. And the denizens of that state are not the normal male of any species, much less homo sapiens. So when he informed me that he was about to undertake an exercise in monumental foolishness, I responded with my usual, indulgence: "Yes, dear." And went about my own pasttimes, which include WORKING while I have a little peace and quiet, both items which can be sorely lacking in an environment where someone is emulating Red Green and his marginally suicidal associate, Bill.

However ... as minutes became hours (or at least too many minutes) at last it percolated through to the more responsive centers in my brain that things were, perhaps, a little too peaceful, too quiet ... and had been so for some time. With this on my mind, along with a deep and abiding sense of foreboding, I grabbed a coffee, hunted for my sunglasses, deliberated between four or five assorted pairs of shoes and sandals, set the coffee cup to wash, fed the cat and raced breathlessly outside to see what had become of my husband.

Erstwhile husband.

Oh ... dear.

Imagine my surprise to discover the pool water growing ... well, red is such a harsh word, and beside, when red mixes with blue it doesn't stay red for long, and the pool liner is extremely blue. So, imagine my surprise to find the pool water a curious shade of mauve, or perhaps purple, or violet. Coming closer, I saw the reason, and I raced back into the house for the camera. The insurance company would need pictures, I thought feverishly; and besides, this has GOT to be worth a blog post or two.

And there was Dave: positively perished and permanently perpendicular in the pool, unfortunately but fearlessly floating face-down in his favorite, familiar environment ... limp, looking largely lifeless and less than a candidate for reliable resuscitation routines...

All I could do was give him the Viking burial of which he has always dreamed, crossed with a burial at sea. Because he weighs about 180lbs, and no way could I get him out of the water. And so...

Bury him, thought I, with his faithful sledge hammer. Bury him with beer, and floral tributes, and plenty of duct tape to sustain him in that Great Workshop in the Sky (the one around the back of the Halls of Asgard, where the Valkyries bring in their helmets and armor to have the dents beaten out after they've been brawling again down at the tavern). Bury him with his loyal Crocs, and all the accoutrements of the intrepid handyman for whom life has been a grand tale of mashing hammers and tech screws -- a tale such as might be sung for a thousand years. Or at least till next week.

pool burial

And so he lay buried at sea, in the pool, surrounded by his loyal and faithful minions, and I stood on the poolside, groaning softly as I tried to work out what I'd done to my lumbar region in the course of getting him and that damned sledge hammer arranged on a tippy little air mattress.

But as readers of this blog know already, the story has barely begun...

{Insert cool narrator voice here}

Wifey-Poo had not, however, known that a strange lightning storm was fast approaching Yours Truly's final resting place...

{turn off cool narrator voice here}


Just in case some of you are wondering: Yes, I still can make dinner!

sushi plate

And how's abouts a closeup of that 15 inch long strip of ultra thin-sliced Tasmanian smoked salmon that I tied in a knot for the centrepiece:
sushi closeup

Stay tuned to this channel for Alien Abduction Act IV.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Alien Abduction --First Intermission with Snacks!

Do y'all know in them new-fangled moving picture thingy's called "films" they've started putting in intermission breaks? So's this's sorta somethin' like that.

For the snacks, just make yourself some popcorn and enjoy the next couple of minutes. And then I'll be back to the Alien Abduction story, no worries.

Here's a pic of the fruit of my labor. Specifically, tomatoes. More specifically; vine-ripened, cherry truss tomatoes. Totally organic. No spraying, no chemical fertilizer, just grown in good ole-fashioned cow crap.

fresh organic vine ripened cherry tomato truss

And finally, I've got 3 pics of some very friendly, fuzzy, cute, Aussie critters. If this don't wanna make you visit Oz, then nothing will!

Here's one of the like tykes being friendly with my left calf.
spider crawling up leg

I then decided to lift the little bloke up and let him sun himself.
spider on palm of hand

He then figured that my arm was a great place to work on his tan.
spider on arm

So, like, who's up for a visit?

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Alien Abduction Act II

By now many of you are wondering just when the hell I'm going to get to the aliens. Just hang about for a bit, no worries. Remember, I still have to die, then turn into a sledgehammer-wielding zombie, then signal the alien ship, wreck havoc on the alien ship (still zombie-ized), get off the ship, and then return to my normal self.

WHEW! Dang, everytime I think about it more memories from the whole thing come flooding back to me wee lil' brain. *shudder*

First though, let's meet Larry, Curly, and Moe.

three long-billed corella cockatoos

Alrighty, back to the Alien Abduction story. Please remember that even though I'm writing this in first person, it is first person in the present tense of something that happened in my recent PAST.

Act II

It was another hot day down unda, so I therefore decided to spend it in the pool, naturally. No, not naturally meaning naked but rather naturally meaning "of course". That's doesn't mean I don't skinny-dip, just not this time.


Since bathing and showering in the pool had worked out so well for me in the past, along with dinner, lunch, and brekkie, this seemed like a good time for a shave.

In. The. Pool.

Obviously this momentous occasion called for something more than a little wussy shaving razor blade.

I had this in mind:
shaving in pool 01

Don't worry, I always keep it good and sharp so I don't hurt myself. Much.

Had to assemble all the accoutrements necessary for the task:
shaving in pool 02

Yes, that's only one 750 ml beer. Safety first, ya know!

Hmmmm, this isn't too difficult...
shaving in pool 03

Hey look! It works!
shaving in pool 04

At this point Wifey-Poo was pretty tired of taking pictures of Yours-Truly, not sure why. So she headed on inside to get a bite to eat.

After a while she stopped hearing much splashing about in the pool from me --it's a very rare time when I'm quiet in the pool. I think after about 2 hours she was getting a little bit worried as she hadn't heard any splashing about nor huge cannonball style ker-splooshes from yours truly.

Eventually she started wondering when I was going to start dinner.

She came out to have a look.



Coming up soon... Alien Abduction Act III: Zombie Among Us!


And just to give all you birders out there a shout
one long-billed corella cockatoo

another long-billed corella cockatoo

Friday, January 22, 2010

Alien Abduction Act I

This really is a true story! I'm not kidding. It. Happened. Of course I was an undead, brain-eating, sledgehammer weilding zombie at the time, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen.

But first I need to tell you that there'll be a couple of other things in this post. Something about Wifey-Poo will be appearing and this time you get actual photos of The Most Wonderful Woman In The Entire World. Before that though, you get the first act of my Alien Abduction! And before that you get to hear (read) about the tomato season thus far.

To sum up:

Firstly, tomatoes.

Nextly, alien abduction --the beginning!

Lastly, pics of Wifey-Poo.


We planted 11 plants this season. We have so far harvested 592 tomatoes and 135 of them were just this morning. Mmmmmmmmm, tomatoes... drooooooo-al! We eat those tomatoes, if you are wondering.

Is it possible to OD on lycopene? Hmmmm... I've had this urge to go stand barefoot in a plant pot loaded with cow shit and then hang out there all day long in the sun. Of course lately it's gotten even more urgent since I started eating lots of tomatoes.

Maybe it's just me?

Alien Abduction Act One!

It all started one day in the pool. Does that surprise any of you? The story begins on the day of my yearly hat cleaning which, coincidently, coincided with my annual bath (whether I need it or not!). Fortunately it was a warm day otherwise I'dve froze in the pool.

First I had to assemble the necessary stuff:

And of course there's the proper footwear!

Make sure you rinse yourself and the hat BEFORE shampooing

dave gets an idea!

This way I'll clean both the hat and my hair at the same time!

Plop that hat on!

Make sure everything is lathered well:

See? It works!

Always rinse well

Now it's time for the soap! And I have just the perfect applicator:

First, soap the dimpled pool ball well,

and then start scrubbing them thar stinky bits!

Make sure you get all the stinky bits...
No, you really didn't see this. It's a figment of your fertile imagination!

This should give you enough of a lead-in for an alien abduction, I'm sure. Act II will feature something else in the pool which leads to an alien abduction!

No conversation with Wifey-Poo this time. Or as I like to call her, The Most Wonderful Woman In The Entire World! Hey, she puts up with me, doncha know.

A friend of mine from Squarebanks recently found me on twitter and said, "Last we saw of our hero he was heading South with a smoking hot Aussie redhead." I figure these two pics of WP will show what he means.



Saturday, January 16, 2010

Prelude To An Alien Abduction! *UPDATED*

Has anyone noticed I haven't posted for a while? And I haven't made snarky comments on blogs I peruse?


Because I was recently abducted by aliens! That's why! Heck if you'd read the title of the blog post you'd have known that little fact. Unlike most fabricated stories of alien abduction, mine is different.

How different, you ask?

Well, it started off when I died --this was before the abduction. And I HAVE PROOF! In picture form! And no, I didn't photoshop none of the pics!

Oops, getting ahead of myself again. You'll just have to wait as the entire story unfolds over several posts. I'll just bet that the Weekly World News will pay seriously big $$$$$$ for this story!

It all started in November with this picture:
what is dave doing

And I asked you all to try to figure out just what the heck was going on. Obviously, your imagination is not anywhere near mine as none of the guesses were anywhere close to being on target.

The whole story involves Yours Truly (that'd be me, don't swoon ladies I'm human), my hat, a mirror, a sledgehammer, two pool floatation devices, a meat cleaver, a shampoo bottle, two rolls of duct tape, flowers, and my own homebrewed beer. Lots of beer.

Stay tuned for the next part of dave's alien abduction coming soon to a blog near YOU!


Next topic: A conversation with Wifey-Poo.

The scene: WP is in the kitchen making a cuppa, YT walks in...

YT: Hi honey. *much kissing and smooching betwixt WP and YT*

WP: Hello dear.

YT reaches for a big ole kitchen knife.

WP: Ummmmmmm...

YT reaches for the big ole kitchen knife sharpener.

WP: Ummmm, was it something I said?

YT: I thought I'd spice things up!

WP: Huh??!!!?!??

YT: Oh you know, a dull knife is just so boring.

WP: That's bad, really bad. *that's bad, really bad*


Next topic; whereupon I rescue a cute, fuzzy critter that fell into the pool!

This morning as I was watering the tomato plants I noticed something floundering around in the pool. The poor thing looked half-drowned and had managed to somehow crawl upon the floating board we keep in the pool for serving drinks. It looked so tired and I knew right away there was no way the poor thing could fly away. I certainly didn't want to be responsible for the drowning of a cute, fuzzy critter so I rescued it and carefully returned it to it's natural habitat.

But not before I took pictures to share my good deed with my loyal readers --that'd be you, BTW.










big spider 01

big spider 02

big spider 03


I'm posting this picture because some unnamed person in Squarebanks wanted to know what the FRONT of those type of spiders looks like... So blame her, not me.

WARNING! Very scary picture below... the stuff of nightmares.

You've been duly warned...

spider closeup

Saturday, January 09, 2010

How to save $2500 in one year!

Oops, sorry. Now you probably think I'm trying to spam y'all. Nope, I'm not. I (we) actually saved $2500 last year by doing one simple thing:

I started homebrewing! And the household saved $2500 dollars. It's not cus we are a bunch of drunks, but when you each have a beer with dinner and one afterwards... well you'd be amazed at how much it adds up over a year.

Go ahead, try it yourselves.


Next topic: South Oz summer heat!

This from the Bureau of Meteorology today:

Adelaide Forecast
Australian Government Bureau of Meteorology
South Australia

Adelaide Forecast
Issued at 4:00 pm CDT on Saturday 9 January 2010

Warning Summary
The SES has issued an Extreme Heat Warning for South Australia.
Fire Weather Warning.

Forecast for Saturday evening
Dry and hot. Winds becoming moderate southeasterly during the evening. A
moderate early evening sea breeze.

Precis Clear.

Forecast for Sunday
Dry, very hot and sunny. Light to moderate southeast to northeast winds with a
light afternoon sea breeze.

Precis Dry. Sunny.
City: Min 27 Max 43
Elizabeth: Min 22 Max 43
Mount Barker: Min 17 Max 41
Noarlunga: Min 23 Max 41

UV Alert: 9:10 am to 5:30 pm, UV Index predicted to reach 12 [Extreme]
Fire Danger: Severe [50-74] (Mount Lofty Ranges Fire Ban District)

Monday Windy. Dry. Mostly sunny. Min 30 Max 43

Those 43's mean 110 in the shade officially (they ALWAYS guess low) which means it'll be around 115 to 118 in the shade here at the ole homestead.

Oh, that splashing sound you'll be hearing all weekend? Just guess what it is...

Next topic: No one has even tried!

I put this picture up:
bird feet

and no one even tried to figure out what kind of critter it is. So I'll now give you a bit more of a hint --in the form of another picture, of course.

bird feet 02

Do you know why I like koalas? Do you? It's cus they get to do this all day long:
comfortable koala
Can anyone tell me what kind of gum tree s/he is sitting in?

Ishmael asked me about the taste of emu a few weeks back. Sadly, I haven't had a chance to get any... But I did TRY!:
injured emu

No, I. did. not. do. that! I took the picture back at the end of November and I'm guessing this bloke got this in a fight for fornicatin' rights.

I did, however, find out that an emu drumstick weighs 7 pounds! Mmmmmmmmmmm...

Here's a picture to illustrate just how great my timing is
3 and a half cockatoos

And here we find a sheila sparrow a helluva lot braver than a certain ADQ'er is:
brave sparrow
Goan, ask me how I know she's a she.

These blokes look like they are planning something...
view from above

No idea what it could be though...

Friday, January 08, 2010

My Final Meal...

... of The 2009/2010 Holiday Food Orgy Extravaganza Down Unda!

Dessert was easy. Just crumbled up some of my cinnamon bread, then cut in some butter, and tada: instant pie crust. Hmmmm, let's see, these apples and pears look like they need stewing... I'll just add some sugar, cinnamon and cloves and boil it up! Tada: instant pie filling! Hmmmm, better use up the last bit of whipping cream... 5 mins and some sugar and beating later, tada: instant pie topping!

There were two main dishes served, both simultaneously. One was a rather healthy nacho platter. The leftover pork from the polynesian banana leaf wrapped pork forequarter was shredded for two huge mexican food feasts AND THERE WAS STILL SOME LEFT! Nachos it is! Chips were easy, just cut up some wholemeal flatbread, baked them, and Ta-Da: instant nacho chips! Cheese was from just over the hill in McLaren Vale whilst the tomatoes and chillis were from some plants right next to our pool.

So even though it was nachos, it was still pretty healthy with no chemical gunk in it.

The OTHER platter was... Sushi! And I had even made my own tofu from fresh, organic soybeans. The tofu was marinated and then pan fried --awesomely good. I used the tofu in both the maki-sushi (along with smoked trout plus avocado) and also on top of some of the fresh basil leaves (my own, of course) that garnished the platter.

Just to make the platter look purdy, I went out front and snipped an hibiscus flower to add to the garnish.

Finished off with homebrew.

I even have proof:
another sushi platter

I couldn't see any reason to take a pic of the nacho platter. I mean REALLY, it's just nachos.

Thursday, January 07, 2010

Audience Participation Time!

Well I figure by now most of you are over your Holiday Hangover and are back hard at work in your office. Which means, of course, that you are busy surfing blogs while the boss isn't around and you happened upon my little corner of reality.

Hmmmmm, reality and dave... Not a good mix!

OT: We survived the holiday food orgy! Barely. There was one night when we were all so stuffed we saved dessert for brekkie. It was a wonderful pineapple coconut meringue pie. Let me tell ya, it's darned good tucka at brekkie!

Back to the post at hand.

So, you are sitting around in your office, bored, surfing and trying to stay awake. How's abouts you try to think of some funny captions for various pictures you find while surfing?

No, not those sites! My site!

Here's some pics for you to try your capshuning hand at, or maybe even some story telling! And there's even a video! It's an emu that came out of the trees while WP and I were picnicing at Belair Park and walked right past us. I think they must have bad eyesight cus as soon as I moved it took off like a shot. Maybe it thought I was hungry?

So, here's the pics and vid, have fun makin' stuff up!

Oh, the first 3 pics really really lend themselves to a story, so if you can think of a good one, go for it!

Almost forgot: there's a quiz at the end too!

little corella 01

little corella 02

little corella 03

cat cooling off

another tired koala

running emu

eastern rosella parrot in tree

And here's the quiz picture. What kind of avian critter has feet like this:
bird feet

The comments are now open, so put on your funny caps (or tinfoil hat) and get crackin'!

Since no one correctly guessed the name of the movie that Lee Marvin uttered the line, "That's right! Two t's!" I shall leave that quiz open as well.