Back From The Abyss!

Well, no not really. I didn't go anywhere. I didn't do anything.

"So why the bloody-hell din't ya post anythin' ya lousy wanka?" Yes, I heard you say that. From all the way down here too, also.

Why not? I always try to post something funny, or humorous, or punny so as to give all my readers some enjoyable entertainment and perchance a giggle or two. And just maybe an opportunity to forget about all the crap going on around us all.

Unfortunately, my phunny bone hasn't been very ticklish lately. Heck, Wifey-Poo will tell you that I'm not ticklish at all so the phunny bone not being tickled should come as no surprise.

See, lately every time I've sat my lazy ass down to type in a blog post, it seems like I've been forcing the humour. And I'm sure you can all relate to just how painful it can be when you try to force out a large blockage!

I do believe I've found a nice, natural, re-laxative. We'll see just what and how much of it hits the fan!

Basically, I'll be typing in whatever I want, putting up whatever pictures I want to with whatever caption I feel like putting on them. So, yeah, not much has changed, eh?

Befour you get to the pictures though, I'd like to share with you a brief conversation I had with Wifey-Poo as I can't remember the long ones.

As always, YT is Yours Truly -don't swoon ladies, I'm human! WP is of course Wifey-Poo -otherwise known as the most wonderful woman in the entire world since she puts up with Yours Truly.

*YT walks in from the cooker outside, and it's nearing dinnertime*

YT: Honey!

WP: Yes dear? *oh crap can't I get ANY writing done without his stupid interruptions?*

YT: How steamed would you like your cabbage? Just a bit steamed or really really pissed off?

WP: Just a bit, thanks. *Is there something heavy nearby I can throw at him?*


Now that you've read all through my above tripe (mmmmmmmm, menudo soup... delish), how's abouts some pics?

The first one is of me. Does that surprise you? It's a self-portrait pic I took of meself with NO mirrors and I wasn't holding the camera out in front of me pointing it at me.

So, no mirrors (or smoke) and the camera is pointing away from me yet I still managed to get a self portrait! And no, there wasn't any reflective surface nearby.

How'd I do it?

Any guesses?

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I realize many of you up north may not have figured out how I did it since y'all probably ain't seen your shadow since winter started... Ahem.

Sew to help brighten a cold, dark, windy, snowy, dreary winter for all my Northern Hemisphere readers, I present to you the following picture. It was taken on Australia Day (January 26th).





I was cleaning out the webs around the front of the house the other day, and I spied a really really neat critter. No, you don't need to run away screaming and all like that! Sillies. This is NOT a picture of a spider.

But it is a picture of a critter that has an exoskeleton.

And is very pretty.

And was clinging upside down under the eaves out front.


Ain't she the purdiest thing y'all ever saw?

I tried to get a few front on views, but she was getting pretty skittish and I didn't want to "bug" her. But I did get this one though.




Well (and that's a deep subject), that's all I have for you today kiddies. Don't worry though, you won't have to wait another month for a post from moi, no worries!

G'day All! And Happy Thanksgiving from Down Unda

Turkey day is a holiday specific to US and Canada, but I really don't think the canucks go all out bonkers over it the way US'ns do. I've been asked by a few Aussies what Thanksgiving is all about and at first I did my best to explain how it all started. Ended up with puzzled looks from many an Aussie.

Nowadays I just say it's just another excuse for Americans to pig out and watch football!

Now that they can relate to! It's much like the way a cricket test match is just another excuse for Aussies to sit in the sun 5 days straight whilst drinking beer.

Anyways, in honor of Turkey Day you may have noticed that Alice's Restaurant Massacree playing in the sidebar. If you don't like it then tough shit. No, actually, feel free to pause it, no worries.

Have I used enough commas yet?

Quick aside before we gets back to me ramblings... How's abouts a picture?



Moth or butterfly? What's your guess?

Getting back (or front) to me --cuz it's all about ME! Is anyone the least bit curious why I hadn't posted since like maybe sorta since very early October? Anyone? Actually I think many of you are as many of you have sent me mean nasty emails and tweets telling me to get up off my lazy ass (your words, not mine) and post something. A few of you have even wondering aloud on your own blogs whether I'm dead or not. You know who you are and just make sure you're very careful next time you're out in the woods, jus' sayin'.

So... Why the break?

Last post I put up what I had thought was such an awesomely great picture of a momma and baby koala that I quite -rightly I obviously mistakenly- believed that I'd get many ooo's and ahhh's in the comments. A few days went by and no comments. Oh heck, I'll give the buggas till over the weekend, I thought.

A week went by, still nothing. But then a funny thing happened... my visitor numbers started going up. Like well over doubling! I then decided that once the numbers go back to normal (waving hi to all 3 of you! I joke of course. I'm not waving, I'm typing) I'll put up more stuff.

But the numbers haven't dropped. So by not posting anything for 52 days (but who's counting) I have effectively tripled my traffic! Woo-Hoo! Who knew laziness could do such wonders?

Then something went wrong. Apparently y'all have now had enough time to squizz through my archives that you now hunger for fresh babbling from Yours Truly --that'd be me, don't swoon ladies I'm human!

So you have now all shamed me into psoting. Truthfully though, all the "please post something dave" emails and tweets have been very flattering. So, just like any normal bloke, you just found out that flattery will get you anything you want with me. Unless Wifey-Poo is watching.

Did you know there's some folks out in the ether that think I'm funny? Whereas some of you know that I'm just funny looking.

Wait! Don't go yet. I've got some pictures and puzzles for you.

Can you find the koala?




And if you couldn't then you won't like knowing that my 80 yr MIL could find it from her wheelchair:




Once the little fella realized we weren't a threat, s/he went right back to doing what koalas do better than any critter on earth.




Seeing all them wild critters made me hungry later that day...




Try to guess what type of snags those are. Go on, GUESS!

When they was all cooked up they looked like this.




No, I won't show you a picture of what they looked like the next day...

Oh, just remembered something. A few of you have mentioned how much you like The Lord and Master of All He Surveys, Protector of The Weak, Defender of The Innocent, His Royal Highness, Prince Bagheera. BTW if I don't give him his full title each time then he shreds my legs.

Anyways, see if you can find The Cat:




Here's a closeup of him. Obviously he's all tuckered out today after chewing on my leg all night.




I suppose I could have also used the excuse of my ancient 6 yr old P4 finally dying, buying a new supersystem, rescuing data from old hard drive, installing programs on new system, and playing with more 3d stuff as to why I didn't post in a while, but you probably wouldn't believe me. Right?

Alien Abduction Act X... Zombie dave Aboard The A.S.S.!

Butt before we get to that, I have some things I need to get off my chest --like this tattoo that says "I love you, man!".

Y'all 'member last post? Oh, c'mon, the one where I used lots of swear words and was all pissy.

Ah yes, you do remember. Good.

I have been hoping that someone, anyone, would comment about it. Butt no, not a single one of you did. Did any of you try to tell me to lighten up? No. Did any of you offer a shoulder to cry on? No. Did I lose/gain any readers? Nope, not a chance --well, I may have lost some.

Did anyone realize it was one big, bloody joke???????? Not just No, butt HELL NO!

Witch brings me to my next thingy-doo-dad that I was tagged with a while back (just trawl through the last 10 posts or so and you'll figure it out): Just Another Thing You Won't Learn About Me By Reading This Blog!

I'm a nice guy.

Really, I am.

No, seriously! I am!

When BIL (shall we just call him "Mike"?) got his Masters degree just who do you think had the video recorder set up on the tripod so that MIL (shall we just call her "mum"?) could see her youngest obtain serious accolades? Yup, Yours Truly (that's me, don't swoon ladies as I'm human) was not only doing the duties but he also took Mike to a celebratory lunch at a high-class pub afterwards.

Every week I do a mechanical once-over of mum's wheelchair.

Wifey-Poo gets massages whenever she needs them.

I give rides to strangers. Yes, I really do. There was one time when I was dropping off WP and mum at the doctors office when a very lost Nigerian gentlemen asked me for directions to a side street in the area. Once I made sure that WP and mum were fine I tried to direct him to the street in question. I could see that he was not going to be able to find his way so I gave him a lift to not only the street but to the house where he needed to go.

I also fetch items off of high shelves in the grocery store for little old ladies and gentlemen. In fact it has sorta become a habit that when I see someone elderly stopped in the aisle looking up that I do ask if they need anything from up high. 9 times out of 10 they do.

I took Mike grave-robbing so many times for the research of his PHD that I still respond to calls of, "Hey, Igor!"

The last time we moved house it took A LOT of trips in a rental truck. Guess who did the driving and moving without too much bitching? Yup, Yours Truly.

I've stayed up all night for a week keeping an eye on mum when she was going through a "bad patch".

I've rescued orphaned, baby mouses.

And if any of you ever decide to come down for a visit I can promise that you'll have a place to crash at, be fed gourmet meals (unless I'm cooking --I JOKE!), hang out in the pool, have loads of good home brew, and I'll even pick you up from the airport --or the beach if you came by boat.


So do ANY of you really think that I was really swearing and bitching like that in the last post?

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Next topic...

Pretty birdy picture! I'm sure all my regular readers will immediately recognize this bloke...

Those are some really, seriously, cool-looking claws!




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As my regulars will also know, I like playing around with 3d programs. Been doing that for almost ten years now. I am, however, still trying to get good glacial ice with, ahhhhh, inexpensive (free) programs. But I do have sunset colours down quite well as the beach faces westward here and we are about a mile from it.

What do you think of this?




Here's a contest for you:

Did dave, Yours Truly (don't swoon ladies, I'm human), make this sunset in 3d? Or did he actually take this photograph? Or did he shamelessly steal the image from an online source?

The first correct answer in the comment section wins something. Don't know what but I'm sure the winner and I will come to some sort of arrangement.

And now what you've all been waiting for...


Alien Abduction Act X My arrival onboard the A.S.S.!!!!!!!

Just a quickie recap for you, the name of the alien craft is A.S.S. which, of course, stands for Alien Space Ship. Well, what else could it mean? Perverts. And remember that the rego of the A.S.S. is C4P-PFP2012 and in my zombie state at the time I had no idea what that meant.

C'mon, as any zombie I was just wanting to eat some brains!

In case you have joined me late, here's a quick pic recap!







Which, of course, brings us to my stealthy arrival in a corridor of the A.S.S. This was just before I materialized --please note the A.S.S. is parked above Oceania!


And then there's a bright flash!




And I slowly start to materialize...

Hmmmmm, something appears to be slightly wrong with dave...






Yes folks, my smashing of the pyramid atop my house with my lightning-charged sledgehammer whilst in my zombie state had caused the alien transporter beam to become totally discombobulated! It had somehow taken my awesome brainpower and shoved it into my muscles!

And just what type of aliens would I find aboard the A.S.S. rego'd as C4P-PFP2012? And would there be any brains at all for me to eat?

Those 2 questions (and probably lots more) just might be answered soon so STAY TUNED to this channel!

Prelude To An Alien Abduction! *UPDATED*

Has anyone noticed I haven't posted for a while? And I haven't made snarky comments on blogs I peruse?

Why?

Because I was recently abducted by aliens! That's why! Heck if you'd read the title of the blog post you'd have known that little fact. Unlike most fabricated stories of alien abduction, mine is different.

How different, you ask?

Well, it started off when I died --this was before the abduction. And I HAVE PROOF! In picture form! And no, I didn't photoshop none of the pics!

Oops, getting ahead of myself again. You'll just have to wait as the entire story unfolds over several posts. I'll just bet that the Weekly World News will pay seriously big $$$$$$ for this story!

It all started in November with this picture:



And I asked you all to try to figure out just what the heck was going on. Obviously, your imagination is not anywhere near mine as none of the guesses were anywhere close to being on target.

The whole story involves Yours Truly (that'd be me, don't swoon ladies I'm human), my hat, a mirror, a sledgehammer, two pool floatation devices, a meat cleaver, a shampoo bottle, two rolls of duct tape, flowers, and my own homebrewed beer. Lots of beer.

Stay tuned for the next part of dave's alien abduction coming soon to a blog near YOU!

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Next topic: A conversation with Wifey-Poo.

The scene: WP is in the kitchen making a cuppa, YT walks in...

YT: Hi honey. *much kissing and smooching betwixt WP and YT*

WP: Hello dear.

YT reaches for a big ole kitchen knife.

WP: Ummmmmmm...

YT reaches for the big ole kitchen knife sharpener.

WP: Ummmm, was it something I said?

YT: I thought I'd spice things up!

WP: Huh??!!!?!??

YT: Oh you know, a dull knife is just so boring.

WP: That's bad, really bad. *that's bad, really bad*



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Next topic; whereupon I rescue a cute, fuzzy critter that fell into the pool!

This morning as I was watering the tomato plants I noticed something floundering around in the pool. The poor thing looked half-drowned and had managed to somehow crawl upon the floating board we keep in the pool for serving drinks. It looked so tired and I knew right away there was no way the poor thing could fly away. I certainly didn't want to be responsible for the drowning of a cute, fuzzy critter so I rescued it and carefully returned it to it's natural habitat.

But not before I took pictures to share my good deed with my loyal readers --that'd be you, BTW.

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************UPDATE!!!!!***************

I'm posting this picture because some unnamed person in Squarebanks wanted to know what the FRONT of those type of spiders looks like... So blame her, not me.


WARNING! Very scary picture below... the stuff of nightmares.
















You've been duly warned...

The Stuff Nightmares Are Made Of

Have you ever woke up suddenly in the middle of the night because some weird fanged beastie is gnawing upon your arms?

Or perhaps you've been startled awake by the same furry beastie tapping on your nose with a single, long claw? Worse yet, on your lips or even *shudder* an eyelid!

Welcome to my world!

And I have really weird dreams. Sometimes cool, sometimes scary.

I blame this:






and these




and these ones especially:




and even this expression!




these fangs look deadly




and these ones look like they could take your arm off




Of course, there's the off chance that my nightmares could be caused by either of these:







Sweet dreams everybody! Don't let the bedbugs bite!

but if they do then use dynamite

Something Wetted This Way Comes

D'OH!

Dang and darn!

Oh fudgesickle!

Don't you just hate, and I mean HATE, giving away the punchline to a great post in the title of the post? This means that none of you's'll be readin' past right HERE.





























But there is more. However, of course and unfortunately for you, I can't remember the really funny stuff I was thinking of for this post while I was making wort (wort is a beer brewing term, BTW) and also planting plants --outside. No, the wort wasn't being made outside, the plants were.

I blame wifey-poo. She, ah, distracted me. Yeah, that's it; distracted me.

So it's all her fault. Ahem. *ed. dave sleeps on couch tonight*

But that's ok for you. All you need to do is read this far, think of something funny, and then spew coffee/beer/tea/soda/wine/everclear all over your computer monitor.

See? Wasn't that funny?

**********BREAK!!!!!****************

YT: I'm gonna go make some bread crumbs for tonight's fishcakes.

WP: Great!

YT: Yup, I'm sure I'll make a crummy job of it! HAHHHAHAHAHAHHA!

WP: *is there something solid and heavy around?*

**********Break over*******************

This post has to do with sails. Specifically, the rigging of said sails. Does this mean that dave's going to go aloft in a gale to gybe the chute? Does it mean he's going to shimmy up the mast to the boom (in a typhoon ) to triple-reef the main?

No.

He's going to do it all the easy way: Sit down below in the cabin and push a button for the roller-furling to do it's job. Just like someone I am acquainted with.

Actually, this is rigging shade sails. For the pool dontcha know.

It all started with this pic.

Please notice that I have already rigged one of the shade sails. The one that did not require me to put the ladder in the pool.

And you may also notice just how careful I'm being:




Here I very deftly set the drill down and quickly struck a pose for the camera!




And now it's just a simple job of screwing in the hook.




Unfortunately for me, but fortunately for you, I had to stand on THIS step




This is what it looked like:




Ah, but wait my young grasshopping padowans! This next pic sums things up nicely!




Aaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnd, of course: the pictures

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Me Masta Plan! MwuuHAHAHAAAAA!

Yes, that's right. You *did* read the title correctly. Yes, I know it may come a surprising shock to my regulars, I DO sometimes make plans.

And the neato part of my plans is that they always work! So there.

My usual plan is made at bedtime each night. I always plan to wake up sometime within the next 20 hours. Works like a charm and hasn't failed me yet.

Unless you count that time I slept for 666 years straight, but otherwise; no worries! I won't regale you with the details as my psychiatrist says I shouldn't discuss it with normal folk.


Here's my plan for today, Friday, 4th of December, 6009:

Wake up. Check, already done.

Disentangle panther, and his fangs and claws, from leg and chuck his furry butt outside. Check.

Take a nap. Check.

Plan dinner. Check --grilled blue grenadier.

Now for the unchecked ones...

Make two loaves of bread. One regular, one whey.

Make beer. Load the primary fermenter with a batch of stout.

Check the feta for the brining. Adjust brine if needed.

Check the aging of the wensleydale. Brush salt flakes off if needed.

Vacuum pool bottom. This is best done from WITHIN the pool, trust me.

Practice violin. Try not to make too many screechy sounds.

Photoshop a bunch of pics to post on my blog and claim they are real.

Take a nap.

Make more beer. Load the SECOND (yay me!!!) primary fermenter with lager.

Cook dinner.

Eat dinner.

Wrestle the panther till he's exhausted and ready to come in for the night.

Watch one of them newfangled 4-dimension movies. *think about it, you'll figure it out*

*up until now, everything has been done while wearing my new, really cool pair of white crocs*

Read a book about particle physics.

Take an 8 hour nap, plan to wake up sometime tomorrow.


I think I can pretty much keep up with that plan today. What do you think?

And totally offtopic, I made some sausage sushi the other day. It was delicious.

New And Improved! Now With Even MORE Full Frontal Nudity!

I have just realised something. No, not THAT! Sheesh, y'all are disgusting!

I've realized that when I post funny things or funny pictures or stupid stories about me (don't swoon ladies, I'm human) I get a helluva lot more comments than when I post boring stuff.

Hmmmmm, this explains the popularity of silly reality shows as opposed to hard-hitting, factual news stuff.

Verdict: It's all about ENTERTAINMENT!

I've also noticed that not too many of you get my quickie, obscure puns and references to obscure stuff. But don't worry, I'll keep putting them in --an example is the "don't swoon" throwaway I use. Until someone. who is not an Aussie, can explain it then I'm gonna keep using it!

So there.

Harumph.

I started this here blog with the intent that each post would have a humourous story about my youth in Alaska, plus something to do with food.

Since then, I've hived off a food blog and the rest of the blog has taken several turns. Some of them drastic, some not. But I did give meself whiplash on one of the turns.

I guess it all comes back to keeping y'all (give yourselves a hand, just don't forget to shave your palm afterwards) entertained.

Apparantly, lately, asking for kapshuns for a photo just doesn't keep you entertained. Perhaps it's cus you have to jump start the ole unused brain cells? Or maybe you're too busy shaving your palms perhaps?

Either way, I'm disappointed. This pic




was an open invitation to you. Open season on dave! Perhaps he was being abducted by weird alien parrots. Maybe his private parts got caught in the pool filter. Or that this was his expression when he found out just how much a sunburned wang-doodle hurts.

Sheesh. And there I was thinking it was just too easy.

I've got similar pics of myself with the same expression, dontcha know.

Here's one of them:




*BREAKER BREAKER*

Been trying to get a pic where the double opposable thumbs of a koala are showing. Got one!




*BACK TO THE RAMBLINGS*

... and that's how I got stinking rich!

Which brings me back to photos.

Specifically ones of me showing full frontal nudity.

Ahem.




Please note that I was very careful to keep my wang-doodle from getting sunburned.






And I just can't resist putting this photo up ONE MORE TIME! Why? Well cuz it's the bestest ever official guvmint photo EVER!

Muh-muh-muh-muh My Tomatoes!

Ah yes, 'tis that time of the year again. What time would that be, dave? It'd be the time of year when I get to talk all about all the juicy, fresh, ripe, sweet, wonderful, organic tomatoes we grow each summer!

BTW, did any of you notice the title of this post? Some of you may remember a song called My Sharona from 1979. Some of you may not. Some of you might now have the annoying lyrics from that song stuck in you head.

I was going to put the Sharona lyrics up, and then my own lyrics centered around --take a guess-- My Tomatoes. But I decided not to.

Why?

Firstly, you all already know I'm funny (looking) so I don't need to prove it.

Secondly, My Sharona is actually about an older guy having the hots for, shall we say, younger women. Quite young. I, of course, am above such things!

Thirdly, it seems to be trendy now to rewrite song lyrics on blogs and I AM NOT A SHEEPLE!

Fourthly, I'm just too lazy after lounging around in the pool.

OT: I've promised on my Twitter account that I won't make fun of, or make any inappropriate jokes about the difference in temp betwixt my hometown in Alaska and where I am now. I'll just leave it at this: Fairbanks, AK is -22 F. Outside the window overlooking the pool right here the temp is +106 F. Just stating a fact, that's all. Nothing mean or malicious about that now is there?

Another OT: To Rebecca in NC, lemme know what kind of critter pics (koalas, parrots, roos, etc) you want for your screensaver, no worries --email is alaskandavedownunder(at)gmail(dot)com.

More OT: To some new friend/lurker/stalker in Maryland, USA who has visited over 150 times this past week: Hi!!!! Welcome to Oz and you're invited to join the fun! And thanks for visiting too! I hope I didn't embarrass you, sorry if I did. Don't worry, no one here bites.

Just some more OT: Regarding the previous post, yes that is the foot of an emu. Don't know what an emu is? Why don't you let "ma google" 'splain it to ya?

Back to My Tomatoes! Oh, wait. Gotta tell ya there will be pics of another momma and baby koala at the end of this post.

I planted 12 tomatoe (flashback to Danforth Quayle!!!!) plants this season while Wifey-Poo took pictures and High Royal Highness, Prince Bagheera helped by keeping the bricks warm. You'll get pics next time, but not today. Why not? Ummmm, haven't downloaded and looked at them yet (dang, a month can really fly).

Last year we did one cherry tomato truss and 6 Mighty Reds. Mighty Reds grow very well in Oz. Ended up with around 330 by the end of last season. This year we are hoping to get around 600 to 700 tomatoes!

Good thing WP and I like tomatoes, eh?

Growing tip: when planting your tomato plants, mix half potting mix with half dried cow poop. Top dress every 2 weeks with a bit of dry cow poop. You'll get LOTS and LOTS of fruit. Also, plant some basil. The two plants love to grow together.

We went with a medley of plants this year:

TomatoBerry -Never seen this one before. It'll grow to 2 metres and it produces tomatoes that are heartshaped and about the size of raspberries. This is a "pluck the fruit and plop in mouth" type. Should look like a Christmas tree. Should I decorate it?

Italian Tomato -Not your standard Roma. Full bodied, very sweet and juicy.

Beef Steak Tomato -Late maturing with globular fruit. Very good for sauces.

Sweet Bite Cherry (x2) -Should get over 100 sweet cherry truss tomatoes from each plant.

Large Cherry -About golfball sized fruit, very sweet.

Apollo Improved -Supposedly disease resistant, large globes, firm and great for grilling.

Black Russian -I'm so looking forward to this! Traditional, meaty tomato with a strong flavour. And it should look really cool too.

Health Kick -This is a new roma type tomato with 50% more lycopene than a regular tomato. Mmmmmmmm, lycopene... drool...

Reggae Roma -Early maturing, sweeter than a regular Roma, and very prolific.

Cherry Red Truss -Could easily get 150 cherry tomatoes off this one alone!

Yellow Tomato -This one needs side pruning. Low acid, very sweet and a neat colour. Should get 2 metres tall.


Well, thanks for putting up with reading about Muh-muh-muh-muh Myyyyyyy Tomatoes. As a reward (gee, just like you'd train a dog, eh?) here's some pics from Belair National Park. BNP is the oldest nat park in Oz, btw.

Do I even need to tell you what kind of bird this is?
Yes, it's a kookaburra.



Saw another momma and baby. This "baby" is just about ready to go out on his own now.



And just so you know which is which...




Don't forget, coming soon to this blog: Full Frontal Nudity with Yours-Truly! Hmmmm, I wonder if I'll get paid as much as Levi?