Alien Abduction Act V The Taming of The Shrewd!

I know, I know. I can hear you all starting to snore! Don't worry, I'll be getting up to the alien spaceship soon and then eating alien brains --remember, I'm still an undead, lightning-zapped, crazed, sledgehammer-wielding zombie at this point in the story.

I swear it's true. *wink*

Wifey-Poo had decided that I may be of some help around the house now that I was a zombie and didn't have much of a will of my own. She first, however, had to calm me down a bit...

***********breaker, breaker!!!!**************

3 of you are trying to find the koala from last post (probably only cuz I'm giving away ten dollars) and so far you are all way off. So here's a hint: Try looking for THIS bloke!




I'm also going to let you know that at the end of this post I have an actual picture of Sarah Palin flaunting her wares to distract everyone around so they won't notice her crapping on others! Don't scroll down and cheat!

***********back to the story****************

At first wifey-poo was a little nervous about getting me calmed down as all I was doing was standing out in the backyard yelling and waving my trusty sledgehammer around. And the residual lightning that had animated my drowned corpse was still coursing through both me and the sledgehammer.

See what I mean:






Not exactly a sight WP wanted to wake up to each morning...




Fortunately it was only my shirt being ripped to shreds...




Eventually I calmed down when Wifey-Poo assured me that since there are so many birds around I'll have no problem finding plenty of brains to feed upon --this explains why I'm a birdbrain now, eh?

So here I am all mellowed out and ready to help around the house!




Coming up next: Zombie dave helps around the house! With a sledge-hammer.

**************************************************************************

We're still in our hot summer months down here. Today wasn't too bad, 101 F in the shade and 127 F in the sun. Pool water was at 86 F so after watching the 'Aints win the Super Bowl I relaxed in the pool.

But you don't get a picture of that. Mainly cuz I wasn't doing anything silly or stupid in the pool so I figured y'all wouldn't be interested. BTW, how's winter going for everyone up in that other hemisphere?

Getting a lot of tomatoes. Last count was 1,134 harvested! Here's a pic of bunch of nice, juicy, creamy, hot-off-the-vine, yellow tomatoes.

Next year we're putting in 2 or 3 yellow 'mata plants!


Oi mate! If you take this picture I'm gonna fly over there, claw your eyes out and shove that camera somewhere BAD!

Hmmmmm, guess that explains why I can't see today and am walking funny...

And now... the picture you've all really been waiting for: An actual photograph taken by Yours Truly (don't swoon ladies, I'm human) of Sarah Palin flaunting herself shamelessly in front of her admirers in the hopes that none of them notice her crapping on anyone she doesn't like!

Ready?

Of

course

you

are.



I guess that little sparrow down below on the bricks didn't kiss her ass enough!

Alien Abduction Act IV... Live! Damn you, LIVE!

For those of you who came in late to the tail (and a long one at that) of dave's alien abduction, perhaps these will help:

Prelude

Act I

Act II

First Intermission

Act III

Alrighty then. Now that we've got the backstory crap out of the way for all the Johnny-come-lately's, let's get down to brass tacks.

I know I've been promising all of you pics of the aliens that abducted me, and I do feel bad *cough, cough, BULLSHIT* that I've been recalcitrant in showing you a picture so I will now rectify the situation.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

I hope this doesn't give you nightmares. Or daymares, or nightstallions.

Ahem... Here is the pic:

Welcome to the view I wake up to every morning!



Beefour I continue on with my TRUE alien abduction story, I figure I'd better give all you birders out there something to ooo and ahh over...

At least these blokes are the quiet ones in the mornings...



********************************************************************

When last we left out hero, yours truly, he was dead and had been given a burial at pool. Little did Wifey-Poo realise though that there was a storm headed in the general direction of the whereabouts of a certain dead bloke from Alaska who know lives (lived) in Oz.

Got that?

Something that may interest you, well... maybe not, when the bloody hot weather breaks down here in South Oz it does so with a BANG. In fact, it does so with multiple bangs. These multiple bangs are the result of an uncountable number of lightning strikes that occur as humid, cool air pours into the dry and disgustingly hot region known as Adelaide, South Oz.

It's our own natural fireworks display!

KA-BOOM!

Not a time for smart folk to be in a pool.

But if you are already dead then what the heck! Go For It! After all, you only live once. Or twice if you are lucky.

Wifey-Poo was certainly not game enough to go out at midnight in the middle of a lightning storm to check on my status --which at this point should be a little pile of cinders atop a half-deflated inflatable pool lounger that is floating in the pool.

So she waited until morning. She went out to check on the tomatoes and chilli plants, and too also see if there were any parrots around in the backyard that may want a treat. I think she also too realised that she would probably need to clean the pool after the myriad of lightning strikes betwixt midnight and 3 AM.

However, when she stepped outside, she certainly did NOT expect to see anything like this!

A
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y
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a
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f
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zombie-ized,

lightning-reanimated,

sledgehammer-wielding,

brain-eating, Yours Truly?

Of course you are, otherwise you wouldn't still be reading!

This view greeted WP as she went out to the backyard that fateful morning...




I have been told that, apparently, the first morning was, shall we say, rather exciting, but, of course, not in a good way; but, then again, not exactly in a bad way either and the fact that I was an undead, brain-eating, lightning-zapped, sledgehammer-wielding, zombie-type critter just may, I say may, have had something to do with the fact that I had a slight tendency, on the first morning, to react rather, shall we say... rather badly when I was asked to do something.

According to eyewitnesses (that'd be Wifey-Poo) my reaction appeared thusly:




Don't miss the next exciting episode: Act V, The Taming of The Shrewd!

***************************************************************************

Dave's Big Giveaway!

This won't be a regular feature as I don't have much money in my PayPal account, but I do happen to have USD$10 just burning a hole in my pocket --or rather PayPal's pocket. The first one who can tell me WHERE in this picture the koala is gets it! The money, not the koala.

Just grab a virtual pen and circle where you see the koala and email it back to me. Or post it to your own blog and leave a comment directing me to where your pic is and I'll send USD$10 to the first person who successfully spots the koala!

I think this pic will also vividly show you why I am also one of the world's greatest koala spotters, so there! Hmmph.





The contest ends whenever the heck I say it does.

Alien Abduction Act III... Burial at Sea!

Obviously I'm sure you are waiting with baited breath (pee-uuu, please brush your teeth) for my funeral after I had the accident in the pool last Act, but I've got something to tell you first.

The number 839.

That's 839 tomatoes so far and at least another 300 still yet to ripen.

I've turned red.

And juicy.

And tasty.

Well, at least that's what Wifey-Poo says!

I also realise that some of you are waiting to see some alien pictures I have in my possession. I was going to make you wait until I arrived on the spaceship with my sledgehammer, but I think now I'll give you a closeup of one of them...

Are

you

ready?

Of course you are...




And now, back to the story! When we last left our hero he was laying facedown in the pool dead from a horrible shaving accident involving a meat cleaver.

Wifey-Poo will now take you through the burial!

Writing a eulogy is something I've always wanted to do. Writing the eulogy for one's husband, however, is something one doesn't(normally) think about. Or, not often. Unless he's deciding to ride his bike up a hill in 45 degrees C, in which case eulogizing is never far from the mind. And when he's deciding to shave in the pool, with a meat cleaver.

Now, it's altogether true that very few males of any species would seriously consider such a ludicrously hazardous endeavor, but Alaskan Dave is ... well, Alaskan. And the denizens of that state are not the normal male of any species, much less homo sapiens. So when he informed me that he was about to undertake an exercise in monumental foolishness, I responded with my usual, indulgence: "Yes, dear." And went about my own pasttimes, which include WORKING while I have a little peace and quiet, both items which can be sorely lacking in an environment where someone is emulating Red Green and his marginally suicidal associate, Bill.

However ... as minutes became hours (or at least too many minutes) at last it percolated through to the more responsive centers in my brain that things were, perhaps, a little too peaceful, too quiet ... and had been so for some time. With this on my mind, along with a deep and abiding sense of foreboding, I grabbed a coffee, hunted for my sunglasses, deliberated between four or five assorted pairs of shoes and sandals, set the coffee cup to wash, fed the cat and raced breathlessly outside to see what had become of my husband.

Erstwhile husband.

Oh ... dear.

Imagine my surprise to discover the pool water growing ... well, red is such a harsh word, and beside, when red mixes with blue it doesn't stay red for long, and the pool liner is extremely blue. So, imagine my surprise to find the pool water a curious shade of mauve, or perhaps purple, or violet. Coming closer, I saw the reason, and I raced back into the house for the camera. The insurance company would need pictures, I thought feverishly; and besides, this has GOT to be worth a blog post or two.

And there was Dave: positively perished and permanently perpendicular in the pool, unfortunately but fearlessly floating face-down in his favorite, familiar environment ... limp, looking largely lifeless and less than a candidate for reliable resuscitation routines...

All I could do was give him the Viking burial of which he has always dreamed, crossed with a burial at sea. Because he weighs about 180lbs, and no way could I get him out of the water. And so...

Bury him, thought I, with his faithful sledge hammer. Bury him with beer, and floral tributes, and plenty of duct tape to sustain him in that Great Workshop in the Sky (the one around the back of the Halls of Asgard, where the Valkyries bring in their helmets and armor to have the dents beaten out after they've been brawling again down at the tavern). Bury him with his loyal Crocs, and all the accoutrements of the intrepid handyman for whom life has been a grand tale of mashing hammers and tech screws -- a tale such as might be sung for a thousand years. Or at least till next week.





And so he lay buried at sea, in the pool, surrounded by his loyal and faithful minions, and I stood on the poolside, groaning softly as I tried to work out what I'd done to my lumbar region in the course of getting him and that damned sledge hammer arranged on a tippy little air mattress.

But as readers of this blog know already, the story has barely begun...

{Insert cool narrator voice here}

Wifey-Poo had not, however, known that a strange lightning storm was fast approaching Yours Truly's final resting place...

{turn off cool narrator voice here}


***********************************************************************

Just in case some of you are wondering: Yes, I still can make dinner!





And how's abouts a closeup of that 15 inch long strip of ultra thin-sliced Tasmanian smoked salmon that I tied in a knot for the centrepiece:




Stay tuned to this channel for Alien Abduction Act IV.

Alien Abduction --First Intermission with Snacks!

Do y'all know in them new-fangled moving picture thingy's called "films" they've started putting in intermission breaks? So's this's sorta somethin' like that.

For the snacks, just make yourself some popcorn and enjoy the next couple of minutes. And then I'll be back to the Alien Abduction story, no worries.

Here's a pic of the fruit of my labor. Specifically, tomatoes. More specifically; vine-ripened, cherry truss tomatoes. Totally organic. No spraying, no chemical fertilizer, just grown in good ole-fashioned cow crap.





And finally, I've got 3 pics of some very friendly, fuzzy, cute, Aussie critters. If this don't wanna make you visit Oz, then nothing will!

Here's one of the like tykes being friendly with my left calf.




I then decided to lift the little bloke up and let him sun himself.




He then figured that my arm was a great place to work on his tan.




So, like, who's up for a visit?

Alien Abduction Act II

By now many of you are wondering just when the hell I'm going to get to the aliens. Just hang about for a bit, no worries. Remember, I still have to die, then turn into a sledgehammer-wielding zombie, then signal the alien ship, wreck havoc on the alien ship (still zombie-ized), get off the ship, and then return to my normal self.

WHEW! Dang, everytime I think about it more memories from the whole thing come flooding back to me wee lil' brain. *shudder*

First though, let's meet Larry, Curly, and Moe.





Alrighty, back to the Alien Abduction story. Please remember that even though I'm writing this in first person, it is first person in the present tense of something that happened in my recent PAST.


Act II

It was another hot day down unda, so I therefore decided to spend it in the pool, naturally. No, not naturally meaning naked but rather naturally meaning "of course". That's doesn't mean I don't skinny-dip, just not this time.

Ahem

Since bathing and showering in the pool had worked out so well for me in the past, along with dinner, lunch, and brekkie, this seemed like a good time for a shave.

In. The. Pool.

Obviously this momentous occasion called for something more than a little wussy shaving razor blade.

I had this in mind:



Don't worry, I always keep it good and sharp so I don't hurt myself. Much.

Had to assemble all the accoutrements necessary for the task:


Yes, that's only one 750 ml beer. Safety first, ya know!

Hmmmm, this isn't too difficult...




Hey look! It works!




At this point Wifey-Poo was pretty tired of taking pictures of Yours-Truly, not sure why. So she headed on inside to get a bite to eat.

After a while she stopped hearing much splashing about in the pool from me --it's a very rare time when I'm quiet in the pool. I think after about 2 hours she was getting a little bit worried as she hadn't heard any splashing about nor huge cannonball style ker-splooshes from yours truly.

Eventually she started wondering when I was going to start dinner.

She came out to have a look.

*GASP*










Coming up soon... Alien Abduction Act III: Zombie Among Us!


*********************************************************************

And just to give all you birders out there a shout

Alien Abduction Act I

This really is a true story! I'm not kidding. It. Happened. Of course I was an undead, brain-eating, sledgehammer weilding zombie at the time, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen.

But first I need to tell you that there'll be a couple of other things in this post. Something about Wifey-Poo will be appearing and this time you get actual photos of The Most Wonderful Woman In The Entire World. Before that though, you get the first act of my Alien Abduction! And before that you get to hear (read) about the tomato season thus far.

To sum up:

Firstly, tomatoes.

Nextly, alien abduction --the beginning!

Lastly, pics of Wifey-Poo.



Tomatoes.

We planted 11 plants this season. We have so far harvested 592 tomatoes and 135 of them were just this morning. Mmmmmmmmm, tomatoes... drooooooo-al! We eat those tomatoes, if you are wondering.

Is it possible to OD on lycopene? Hmmmm... I've had this urge to go stand barefoot in a plant pot loaded with cow shit and then hang out there all day long in the sun. Of course lately it's gotten even more urgent since I started eating lots of tomatoes.

Maybe it's just me?



Alien Abduction Act One!

It all started one day in the pool. Does that surprise any of you? The story begins on the day of my yearly hat cleaning which, coincidently, coincided with my annual bath (whether I need it or not!). Fortunately it was a warm day otherwise I'dve froze in the pool.

First I had to assemble the necessary stuff:




And of course there's the proper footwear!




Make sure you rinse yourself and the hat BEFORE shampooing




dave gets an idea!




This way I'll clean both the hat and my hair at the same time!




Plop that hat on!




Make sure everything is lathered well:




See? It works!




Always rinse well




Now it's time for the soap! And I have just the perfect applicator:




First, soap the dimpled pool ball well,




and then start scrubbing them thar stinky bits!




Make sure you get all the stinky bits...

No, you really didn't see this. It's a figment of your fertile imagination!


This should give you enough of a lead-in for an alien abduction, I'm sure. Act II will feature something else in the pool which leads to an alien abduction!



No conversation with Wifey-Poo this time. Or as I like to call her, The Most Wonderful Woman In The Entire World! Hey, she puts up with me, doncha know.

A friend of mine from Squarebanks recently found me on twitter and said, "Last we saw of our hero he was heading South with a smoking hot Aussie redhead." I figure these two pics of WP will show what he means.

Prelude To An Alien Abduction! *UPDATED*

Has anyone noticed I haven't posted for a while? And I haven't made snarky comments on blogs I peruse?

Why?

Because I was recently abducted by aliens! That's why! Heck if you'd read the title of the blog post you'd have known that little fact. Unlike most fabricated stories of alien abduction, mine is different.

How different, you ask?

Well, it started off when I died --this was before the abduction. And I HAVE PROOF! In picture form! And no, I didn't photoshop none of the pics!

Oops, getting ahead of myself again. You'll just have to wait as the entire story unfolds over several posts. I'll just bet that the Weekly World News will pay seriously big $$$$$$ for this story!

It all started in November with this picture:



And I asked you all to try to figure out just what the heck was going on. Obviously, your imagination is not anywhere near mine as none of the guesses were anywhere close to being on target.

The whole story involves Yours Truly (that'd be me, don't swoon ladies I'm human), my hat, a mirror, a sledgehammer, two pool floatation devices, a meat cleaver, a shampoo bottle, two rolls of duct tape, flowers, and my own homebrewed beer. Lots of beer.

Stay tuned for the next part of dave's alien abduction coming soon to a blog near YOU!

*******************************

Next topic: A conversation with Wifey-Poo.

The scene: WP is in the kitchen making a cuppa, YT walks in...

YT: Hi honey. *much kissing and smooching betwixt WP and YT*

WP: Hello dear.

YT reaches for a big ole kitchen knife.

WP: Ummmmmmm...

YT reaches for the big ole kitchen knife sharpener.

WP: Ummmm, was it something I said?

YT: I thought I'd spice things up!

WP: Huh??!!!?!??

YT: Oh you know, a dull knife is just so boring.

WP: That's bad, really bad. *that's bad, really bad*



********************************

Next topic; whereupon I rescue a cute, fuzzy critter that fell into the pool!

This morning as I was watering the tomato plants I noticed something floundering around in the pool. The poor thing looked half-drowned and had managed to somehow crawl upon the floating board we keep in the pool for serving drinks. It looked so tired and I knew right away there was no way the poor thing could fly away. I certainly didn't want to be responsible for the drowning of a cute, fuzzy critter so I rescued it and carefully returned it to it's natural habitat.

But not before I took pictures to share my good deed with my loyal readers --that'd be you, BTW.

H
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c
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!













************UPDATE!!!!!***************

I'm posting this picture because some unnamed person in Squarebanks wanted to know what the FRONT of those type of spiders looks like... So blame her, not me.


WARNING! Very scary picture below... the stuff of nightmares.
















You've been duly warned...

How to save $2500 in one year!

Oops, sorry. Now you probably think I'm trying to spam y'all. Nope, I'm not. I (we) actually saved $2500 last year by doing one simple thing:

I started homebrewing! And the household saved $2500 dollars. It's not cus we are a bunch of drunks, but when you each have a beer with dinner and one afterwards... well you'd be amazed at how much it adds up over a year.

Go ahead, try it yourselves.

*ahem*

Next topic: South Oz summer heat!

This from the Bureau of Meteorology today:

Adelaide Forecast
IDS10034
Australian Government Bureau of Meteorology
South Australia

Adelaide Forecast
Issued at 4:00 pm CDT on Saturday 9 January 2010

Warning Summary
The SES has issued an Extreme Heat Warning for South Australia.
Fire Weather Warning.

Forecast for Saturday evening
Dry and hot. Winds becoming moderate southeasterly during the evening. A
moderate early evening sea breeze.

Precis Clear.

Forecast for Sunday
Dry, very hot and sunny. Light to moderate southeast to northeast winds with a
light afternoon sea breeze.

Precis Dry. Sunny.
City: Min 27 Max 43
Elizabeth: Min 22 Max 43
Mount Barker: Min 17 Max 41
Noarlunga: Min 23 Max 41

UV Alert: 9:10 am to 5:30 pm, UV Index predicted to reach 12 [Extreme]
Fire Danger: Severe [50-74] (Mount Lofty Ranges Fire Ban District)

Monday Windy. Dry. Mostly sunny. Min 30 Max 43

Those 43's mean 110 in the shade officially (they ALWAYS guess low) which means it'll be around 115 to 118 in the shade here at the ole homestead.

Oh, that splashing sound you'll be hearing all weekend? Just guess what it is...

Next topic: No one has even tried!

I put this picture up:


and no one even tried to figure out what kind of critter it is. So I'll now give you a bit more of a hint --in the form of another picture, of course.






Do you know why I like koalas? Do you? It's cus they get to do this all day long:

Can anyone tell me what kind of gum tree s/he is sitting in?

Ishmael asked me about the taste of emu a few weeks back. Sadly, I haven't had a chance to get any... But I did TRY!:


No, I. did. not. do. that! I took the picture back at the end of November and I'm guessing this bloke got this in a fight for fornicatin' rights.

I did, however, find out that an emu drumstick weighs 7 pounds! Mmmmmmmmmmm...

Here's a picture to illustrate just how great my timing is




And here we find a sheila sparrow a helluva lot braver than a certain ADQ'er is:

Goan, ask me how I know she's a she.

These blokes look like they are planning something...



No idea what it could be though...

My Final Meal...

... of The 2009/2010 Holiday Food Orgy Extravaganza Down Unda!

Dessert was easy. Just crumbled up some of my cinnamon bread, then cut in some butter, and tada: instant pie crust. Hmmmm, let's see, these apples and pears look like they need stewing... I'll just add some sugar, cinnamon and cloves and boil it up! Tada: instant pie filling! Hmmmm, better use up the last bit of whipping cream... 5 mins and some sugar and beating later, tada: instant pie topping!

There were two main dishes served, both simultaneously. One was a rather healthy nacho platter. The leftover pork from the polynesian banana leaf wrapped pork forequarter was shredded for two huge mexican food feasts AND THERE WAS STILL SOME LEFT! Nachos it is! Chips were easy, just cut up some wholemeal flatbread, baked them, and Ta-Da: instant nacho chips! Cheese was from just over the hill in McLaren Vale whilst the tomatoes and chillis were from some plants right next to our pool.

So even though it was nachos, it was still pretty healthy with no chemical gunk in it.

The OTHER platter was... Sushi! And I had even made my own tofu from fresh, organic soybeans. The tofu was marinated and then pan fried --awesomely good. I used the tofu in both the maki-sushi (along with smoked trout plus avocado) and also on top of some of the fresh basil leaves (my own, of course) that garnished the platter.

Just to make the platter look purdy, I went out front and snipped an hibiscus flower to add to the garnish.

Finished off with homebrew.

I even have proof:




I couldn't see any reason to take a pic of the nacho platter. I mean REALLY, it's just nachos.

Audience Participation Time!

Well I figure by now most of you are over your Holiday Hangover and are back hard at work in your office. Which means, of course, that you are busy surfing blogs while the boss isn't around and you happened upon my little corner of reality.

Hmmmmm, reality and dave... Not a good mix!

OT: We survived the holiday food orgy! Barely. There was one night when we were all so stuffed we saved dessert for brekkie. It was a wonderful pineapple coconut meringue pie. Let me tell ya, it's darned good tucka at brekkie!

Back to the post at hand.

So, you are sitting around in your office, bored, surfing and trying to stay awake. How's abouts you try to think of some funny captions for various pictures you find while surfing?

No, not those sites! My site!

Here's some pics for you to try your capshuning hand at, or maybe even some story telling! And there's even a video! It's an emu that came out of the trees while WP and I were picnicing at Belair Park and walked right past us. I think they must have bad eyesight cus as soon as I moved it took off like a shot. Maybe it thought I was hungry?

So, here's the pics and vid, have fun makin' stuff up!


Oh, the first 3 pics really really lend themselves to a story, so if you can think of a good one, go for it!

Almost forgot: there's a quiz at the end too!



























And here's the quiz picture. What kind of avian critter has feet like this:




The comments are now open, so put on your funny caps (or tinfoil hat) and get crackin'!

Since no one correctly guessed the name of the movie that Lee Marvin uttered the line, "That's right! Two t's!" I shall leave that quiz open as well.