The Day After Christmas: Chainsaw Day!

Yes folks, it is that time of year again! It's the Day after Christmas! And y'all should know by now what that means...

No, the the big Boxing Day Test Match betwixt the Poms and the Crims.

No, not the start of the Sydney To Hobart yacht race.

It's...

Chainsaw Day!

Yes, that time of the year when the Grinch finally WINS! Don't you just hate it that the ole Grinchie always, without fail, wusses out at the end? I expected better of the Grinch in the Jim Carrey version, buuuuut noooooo. He wussed out in that version too.

But he did get the buxom, rich, long-legged babe in the end (of the movie, not the other end you perverts!), Martha May. So perhaps there's hope for all us hairy, middle-aged, beer-gutted, crusty old farts everywhere --don't swoon ladies, I'm human.

Fortunately, I'm not one of them as I already lucked out with Wifey-Poo!

Butt what the movies nor story don't tell is just what happened the day AFTER Christmas. Being down in Oz means that I'm a day ahead of all my "friends" in North America. So therefore I KNOW what happens the day after Christmas while it's still Christmas.

Not being a very talented writer (butt you already knew that), I have, of course, as usual, quite naturally decided, instinctualtively, to let Wifey-Poo tell (type) you all about what happened the day after Christmas so you won't be shocked tomorrow (yours, not mine as it's already tomorrow hear) upon hereing the news from Mount Crumpit.

Remember gentle readers, do not blame me for this as Wifey-Poo wrote it. Blame her. Bring your own pitchforks and torches as I'm fresh out from the last riot I started.

As always, I paste in the previous preamble from previous years gone by.

*start here*

2009 preambulation

Yes, it's that time of year again. The time of year when I post my first post after Christmas! Longtime readers and lurkers and stalkers know just what this means. *insert evil grin here*

For not only does the Grinch FINALLY get to win, but you also get a brief glimpse into the mind of Wifey-Poo. You'll all know why I married her after you read the whole post. BTW, it took her all of about 20 minutes to write the verse from scratch --she is a professional writer, dontcha know *wink*.

Sooooooo, here the post I put up a year ago. And the year before that. And the year before that, too, also.

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2008 Preambulatory

This poem was written by WP two years ago, I take zero credit for it.

This is told with the absolute greatest respect for Dr. Suess, BTW.

But... just what would've happened HAD the Grinch won?

Here's the original post I put up two years ago today:


2006 Prebulation

Some of you may (or may not) have surmised that I am a BIG fan of the Grinch --ok, if you weren't hanging out with me in Squarebanks during the holidays yonks ago then you wouldn't know this, so TOUGH!

Anyways, every time I've watched the original Grinch cartoon (circa 1963) I've always hoped that maybe, just once, the Grinch would WIN. Now, don't get me wrong, I love the holidays and I love getting folks presents that are quite unexpected... But really now! Can't the Grinch win just ONCE????

DISCLAIMER: when Dr Suess passed away, we held a wake for him in our favorite pub in Squarebanks; so there! I'm not a Grinch (shhh, don't tell my dad, he'll be so embarrassed!)

So, like... what would it be like if the Grinch were to actually win?

The following is best read using Boris Karloff's voice in your head:

Oh, wait a sec: if you want to link or re-post this, then you've really, really, really, got to make sure you tell folks where it came from:

This Is An Alaskan Dave Down Under Original Poem! Please accept no substitutes! Ok, I lie... my wife wrote it... (really!)

Now you can turn on your Boris Karloff voice in your head:


The Night after Christmas

Twas the night after Christmas and Whoville was rocking
With the kind of wild party that brings people flocking.
The noise and the booze, all the singing and dancing ...
The racket and rumpus, the shmoozing and prancing ...
Would drive to the point of starting a riot
Any poor fellow who just fancied quiet.
And you already know who was sane by an inch:
Poised on the brink was the poor old green Grinch.

By nine in the morning even Max was vibrating
With the jackhammer jollity; it’s not overstating
That not even Max could endure so much ‘cheer,’
No matter how snockered one became on Who beer.
And by two in the P.M., oh, Maxie was worried,
For the Grinch looked so manic; the beast who’d been buried
Beneath fudge and tinsel, and the charm of a child
Had clawed back to the surface ... and my, he was wild!

All the popping and bopping, the preening and prancing,
The swinging and zinging, and -- oh, the break-dancing!
Were more than the Grinch could guess how to endure ...
And then, all at once, he envisioned a cure,
For there by the Christmas tree, flat on the floor,
Was one lonely present. A forgotten chainsaw.
And the Grinch had no sooner set eyes on that tool
Then he said to himself, “Grinchie, you’ll been such a fool,
To think you could bear all this ruckus and humbug,
This rumpus and dumpus, this scampus and scumbug,
This noise, noise, noise, noise, that these Whofolk call ‘fun,’
While the stores are all closed and you can’t buy a gun --
There isn’t a fowling piece (nor even a pheasant),
But one of these idiots forgot his best present!”
For under the Christmas tree, left on the floor,
Wrapped up in red ribbons lay a brand new chainsaw:

All shiny and sharpy, all toothy and jagged --
Just begging for gasoline! So, out the Grinch swaggered
With a light, empty gascan and a bag full of quarters,
To the gas station downtown, with a brain full of slaughters ...
There wouldn’t be any Who left to make noise!
They’d be peacefully absent, the Who girls and boys.
The Who-guys and ladies would be quiet as the snow --
And Cindy-Lou Who’d be the first one to go.


For the Grinch could envisage the headlines tomorrow,
When no Who in Whoville survived to feel sorrow --
Here was a task to which the Grinch felt quite equal
(And MGM’s already contracted the sequel):
GRINCH II: WHOVILLE CHAINSAW MASSACRE.

How to be funny...

...looking!

Ha, ha! No, I joke. Although I have been told that I'm funny looking, this post is not about how to look like me --d*mn*d good thing too!

No, this post is about how to be a world famous, independently wealthy, adored by millions of young bikini-clad bimbos, humour righter! Just like Yours Truly --don't swoon ladies, I'm human.

There's several ways you can make your blog funnier:

1) Don't make lists! Cus I hate them!

Try making up a fictional story from your childhood! Now, all of mine are completely true, of course.

Lie. Except when you aren't.

Poke fun at yourself. After all, everyone loves to laugh AT you instead of WITH you.

Intenshunully missspel werdz! Phonetics kan be phun!

Throuw grammer zpellin an punchooashun write outta da winder

Don't swear goddammit. Cussing isn't funy you dumm shit.

take and post pitchers of youselv doin stupid or funny things --this one is a favourite of mine!

Use sillie captions on pictures. Especially critter pitchers since we all luv to anthropomorphosise critters --Ummmmm, that does mean to be amorous with critters, doesn't it?

Make up knew werds! See whose smart enuff to figure em owt.

Don't use puns! Cuz they ain't punny 'cept to the punster. Besides, you'd faile as I iz way much beter at it then you.

2day you git some eggzampels of phuny pitcher capshuningness!



Ohhhh, ai shouldn't haz had da third pitcher uf catnip margaritas...




Arrrrr! Look lively ya bilge rats! And keep a weather eye out for the never-empty bag of sunflower seeds, arrrrrrr mateys!




Oh Cr*p! Momma always warned me not to look down!




In a victory for evolution, certain subspecies of Australian Honey Bees have developed an immunity to the deadly, paralyzing, toxic sting of the dangerous, lethal and venomous Australian Tree Anemone.

Alien Abduction Act XII --At last we meet them!

And just when you thought it was safe to go back into outer space! Bwuhahahhahahhahah!

Yes, it's time for another installment in the completely, 100% true story of my alien abduction. Don't you remember? This was after I died after cutting myself shaving with a meat cleaver in the pool and was then brought back to an undead, brain-craving, zombie state from a lightning strike and then was transported up to the A.S.S. (Alien Space Ship) cus I struck the pyramid on top of my roof with my lightning-charged sledgehammer and was then transformed into an undead, brain-eating, hulking beast with a club roaming the cave-like corridors of the A.S.S. that had the rego number of C4P-PFP2012.

Does that ring any bells?

Perhaps this handy list of links will refresh your mammaries --oops, memories!

Prelude

Act I

Act II

Act III

Act IV

Act V

Act VI

Act VII

Act VIII

Act IX -preview

Act IX

Act X

Act XI

Everyone caught up now? No? Seriously, if you haven't read those posts about this entirely true episode in my life then when you read Act XII you'll be even more confused than you are now.

So just, at least, go back and skim them posts, eh? I'll wait, no worries.

Aaaaaaannnnnd for those of you who didn't read those posts, how's abouts a quickie photo recap...



Here's me dead in the pool



Then I come back to life in my zombie, lightning-charged state:



Contacting the A.S.S.



Here I am blasting into orbit



A Chinese spy satellite caught this pic from afar



See, it really is the name of their ship!



I got a good look at the rego number:C4P-PFP2012!



And here I am on board the alien ship!

This was, of course, after they had activated some sort of holographic illusion thingy to make me think I was underground! For some reason they kept my body just as it normally is...



Ok! Is everyone "up to speed" with the story so far? I'm an undead, brain-eating, HUGE zombie on board the A.S.S. (rego # C4P-PFP2012) and I'm just about to step out of the holographic cave and into a holographic cave corridor in an attempt to somehow find my way back to South Oz, become NOT undead anymore, and hopefully eat a few alien brains along the way!

Whew! I need to give my fingers a rest... They are SSSSSSSSS-MOKIN'!

Alien Abduction Act XII

It was at this point I decided to leave the "cave" I was in and try to find either the control room or the engine room! And I felt sure I was to meet up with some aliens along the way and eat their brains!

I

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a
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t
i
o
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y

c
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e
p
t

o
u
t

i
n
t
o

t
h
e

c
o
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r
i
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r




Grrrrrrr! Where's the alien brains? I's feelin' HUNGRY! Feed me Seymour, feed me!



I raced down the corridor, hair flying in all directions!




As I rounded a corner...



... I skidded to a screeching halt in front of this signpost!




To say I was shocked would certainly be the understatement of the millennium!

AAAAAAAAAIIIIIII-EEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!



I quite obviously realised that one way led to the control room, and the other led to the engine room. But which? And why the code and the weird lettering?

As I pondered which way to go, I heard a faint whirring of motors. Like the ones that control a hidden camera!

I. Was. Being. Watched!

But by whom?

And why?

And when was I gonna get to eat the alien brains?

And just WHAT is controlling this whole illusion that makes me see things that aren't there?

And why the cave system? Do they think I'm a mushroom and want to keep me in the dark and feed me b*llsh*t all day?

Who.

Could.

It.

Be?

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.
.
.
.
.

.
.
.
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.
.
.

.
.
.
.
.

Eeeeeeee, hee-hee-hee! I'll get you, my pretty. And your little bloggie too, also! Hee-hee-hee-heeeee!



Stay tuned folks, it just gets better and better!

A Typical Morning Down Under...

...generally starts with me yawning a great big ole yawn!

*Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnn*




As I am now awake, it would please me if you would alert the media!



Gotta get some blood flowing by some early morning stretching!





Hmmmm, do I smell coffee?




Ah! It's a beer! Even better! GIMME!




Don't swoon ladies, I'm human!




Whew! That was exhausting. I think I'll take a nap for the day while thinking about food...

G'day Everyone!

G'day from Oz!

To YOU! Yes, YOU! No, not that other you, butt YOU!




And, of course, let's not forget YOU!




Did y'all notice the poll over to the left of your screen --your left, not the screen's left?

There's a poll, there's a poll. There's a poll on the sidebar!

Go ahead and start thinking about that silly song... There's a hole, there's a hole. There's a hole in the bottom of the sea!

So do any of you have that tune in your head now? Do you think it'll still be there when you try to sleep tonight? Yes, you are welcome.

Back to the poll. I now have had double-digit return visitors for over 30 days straight. And that includes the time when I don't post for a few days too. Gosh, you all must really love me *sniff*! So go have a squizz at the poll and tell me what sort of direction you'd like the blog to go.

There is, of course, no guarantee that I won't laugh at the poll results and do whatever the heck I want to anyways. Jus' sayin'. But hey, it's worth a go, eh?

Do any of you want to know just what the ole Gov of South Aus used to read? Of course you do! How would I know? Lemme tell you.

WP and I were up at the old historic Old Government House in Belair National Park the other day and sauntered through it. The restoration folks have done a great job with it, btw. This was the summer residence of the Gov of South Aus back in the late 1800's. In the main living room there was an antique bookcase with lots of very old books in/on it.

See?




I had a quick squizz at some of the titles. I did a double-take when I got to this one particular book. And then another double-take!

One thing you folks in the US need to remember is that Australia wasn't settled by prudes. And South Oz wasn't settled by convicts* either! Here is a picture of the book in question:




Something tells me that this guy knows all about that book...




Anyways, go have a looksie at the poll and if you feel the need to contribute your little bit of feedback to Yours Truly (don't swoon ladies, I'm human!) then GO FOR IT!



*When the Poms where shipping convicts to The Antipodes it was more to get rid of the poor and destitute so the prisons weren't overcrowded and neither were the slums. For example, the penalty for stealing a loaf of bread was to be shipped to Oz and when your multi-year sentence (for stealing a loaf of bread to feed your kids) was up you were then free to go. No, you didn't get a boat ride back to the heart of the Empire. Weren't the Poms nice back then?

Alien Abduction Act VIII --Photographic evidence!

Yes that's right folks. An outside, independent, third-party source has now verified my completely true Alien Abduction! See, so far the pitcures have been taken by Wifey-Poo. Except, of course, with the notable exception of the latest one where I'm blasting off into space with my sledge-hammer to smash the aliens to bits and eat their brains. That one I had to reconstruct from memory.

*ahem*

The two pictures that I'm putting up today comes to you directly (via me) from a secret Chinese spy satellite! And just how, I hear you ask, did I get my hands on these beauties? Well, as any of you who read the comments can tell, I have frequent contact with my evil Chinese overlords via the comments on this blog. And as a reward for my service they have sent through 2 pictures taken at the time of my true alien abduction.

Would you like to see them?

Of course you would. But you'll have to wait while I mention a Truthful Third Thing About Me That You Can't Learn From Reading This Blog. Yes Ti, I'm gonna milk this tag for all it is worth.

*throat clearing sound*

#3 I know what was the favorite beer of George Washington. Yes, that George Washington. Oh c'mon, you know! General George Washington? First President of the US? Ring any bells with anyone?

Not only that, but I also know the origins of this type of beer and also exactly how it got its name.

I also have George Washington's personal recipe for making "small beer". That means the cheap crap.

I also know the law passed in Massatoochits in 1637 prescribing just how much malt is needed for each quality of brew.

And I did NOT use Ma Google nor the Great Wikipedia. In fact, I didn't use the ole Series of Tubes at all!

Those of you know me, this surely comes as no surprise.

And here's the cool part. I'll tell you. But only if you pay me! Or help spread my fame to the far corners and nether regions of the Blogosphere. So, all my regulars can each send me USD$100 OR promote the heck out of this blog and I'll share the above info.

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Next topic: I'm still infected. 3 weeks and 3 completely different infections. Needless to say, I'm pretty well wiped out --too many schnitzengrubens fed to me from Madelaine Kahn.

And from now on I PROMISE to keep my fly zipped! *ahem*

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Watched The Myth last night. Awesomely good movie. Jackie Chan at his finest! No, not a comedy. I'm not going to write anything about it till at least ONE of you goes and rents it, watches it, and tells me what you think.

Forbidden Kingdom with Jet Li was damned good too.

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And now...

What you've all been waiting for...

*drum roll please*

The secret Chinese spy satellite photos of me being blasted into to space towards the waiting alien space ship!

This first one CLEARLY shows me rocketing upwards from Adelaide, South Australia, Australia, Southern Hemisphere, Planet Earth towards the waiting alien space ship! Please notice Indonesia towards the left of the picture...




Before the evil alien space ship could recloak, it passed under the Chinese spy satellite... Apparantly these aliens paint a picture of their leader on the top of the control dome for their ship. I, however, did not, of course, see the top of the ship so at this point I have NO idea what to expect on board with the exception of their being some wonderful, juicy, tasty brains for me to eat --remember, I was still an undead, brain-eating zombie at this point.





Coming up soon: we learn just who is in control of the alien ship! And zombie dave is chased through the ship!

Wee-hoo!

Is this fun or what?

Gone To Hide In Woods

Yep, Wifey-Poo and Yours Truly are going to go hide in the woods and get away from REAL LIFE and the damned high 3 month gas bill --more about that in another post.

And I'll have to fill you in on the backstory for WP's and YT's saying of "gone to hide in woods"... But not today.

Instead, I thought I'd let Hoges entertain you with a classic clip from his show in the mid 1970's A.D.

And I'll also tell you that Delvene Delaney has not aged one bit in the ensuing 30-odd years --hubba, HUBBA! If you think this is sexist, you are WRONG! It's about the stupidity of GUYS!

I also get annoyed with crappy quality youtube vids, so I made this one ultra high quality, and I'm sure you'll all appreciate it :)







And Delvene is still married to the same bloke --the guy who played Strop in The Paul Hogan show.

Alien Abduction Act VI Zombie Dave Cooks!

Don't worry, I haven't abandoned this ultra-factual memoir of my Alien Abduction. Nope, I'm not quitting partway through to write a book of fiction, no sirree! *wink*

Before I continue with my sure-to-be pulitzer prize winning prose, shall we have some birdy pics? Yes, we shall.

Really, the cockatoos do look dignified most of the time:


But not all the time...




Should I take pity on all of you amateur koala spotters and show you where the koala was hiding in the previous contest?

Of course I shall cuz I'm all nice like that!



Aaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnd here's a zoomed in picture:




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Alien Abduction Act VI! Zombie Dave Cooks --well, sorta...

Wifey-Poo had decided that once she got me calmed down that perhaps I could help out a bit around the house. Hmmmmmm, a lightning-zapped, undead, zombie with a lightning-charged sledgehammer who doesn't think for himself --ok, that last part is pretty normal for Yours Truly. Gee, what possible use could he be?????

Well, for starters you can have him crush some crackers for use in a stuffing!



At this point WP decided she didn't want lightning zapping all through the kitchen and the house, so she shoved an extension cord somewhere up my person and plugged the a/c in so as I helped in the kitchen I'd cool the house down!

Here I am stuffing the chicken after crushing crackers for the stuffing:



Powdering dried rosemary was no a problem either:



Punching down bread dough was fairly simple, but I did put a few dents in the bowl...



I tenderized steaks in record time too.




At this point I wandered outside (WP unplugged the extension cord quickly) and stared around and around and around...

Coming Up: ACT VII Zombie dave finds the transporter to the alien ship!
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Oh, wait! I almost forgot something! I'm going to give all my readers ANOTHER chance to win the USD$10. Ain't I nice?

All you need to do is figure out what kind of critter left this sign (should be easy) AND what was the critter eating?

Ready?

Get set...

GO!



Just leave your guess in the comments, no worries.

Alien Abduction Act I

This really is a true story! I'm not kidding. It. Happened. Of course I was an undead, brain-eating, sledgehammer weilding zombie at the time, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen.

But first I need to tell you that there'll be a couple of other things in this post. Something about Wifey-Poo will be appearing and this time you get actual photos of The Most Wonderful Woman In The Entire World. Before that though, you get the first act of my Alien Abduction! And before that you get to hear (read) about the tomato season thus far.

To sum up:

Firstly, tomatoes.

Nextly, alien abduction --the beginning!

Lastly, pics of Wifey-Poo.



Tomatoes.

We planted 11 plants this season. We have so far harvested 592 tomatoes and 135 of them were just this morning. Mmmmmmmmm, tomatoes... drooooooo-al! We eat those tomatoes, if you are wondering.

Is it possible to OD on lycopene? Hmmmm... I've had this urge to go stand barefoot in a plant pot loaded with cow shit and then hang out there all day long in the sun. Of course lately it's gotten even more urgent since I started eating lots of tomatoes.

Maybe it's just me?



Alien Abduction Act One!

It all started one day in the pool. Does that surprise any of you? The story begins on the day of my yearly hat cleaning which, coincidently, coincided with my annual bath (whether I need it or not!). Fortunately it was a warm day otherwise I'dve froze in the pool.

First I had to assemble the necessary stuff:




And of course there's the proper footwear!




Make sure you rinse yourself and the hat BEFORE shampooing




dave gets an idea!




This way I'll clean both the hat and my hair at the same time!




Plop that hat on!




Make sure everything is lathered well:




See? It works!




Always rinse well




Now it's time for the soap! And I have just the perfect applicator:




First, soap the dimpled pool ball well,




and then start scrubbing them thar stinky bits!




Make sure you get all the stinky bits...

No, you really didn't see this. It's a figment of your fertile imagination!


This should give you enough of a lead-in for an alien abduction, I'm sure. Act II will feature something else in the pool which leads to an alien abduction!



No conversation with Wifey-Poo this time. Or as I like to call her, The Most Wonderful Woman In The Entire World! Hey, she puts up with me, doncha know.

A friend of mine from Squarebanks recently found me on twitter and said, "Last we saw of our hero he was heading South with a smoking hot Aussie redhead." I figure these two pics of WP will show what he means.