Monday, March 07, 2011

The Butt of All Jokes

I really did mean to get these monarch butterfly pics up for you, butt recent circumstances did knot allow me to.

Butt I'll explain that later. And you get another story of Unkie Dave hurting himself. Butt this is NOT from his youth, this is a story from his oldeth instead.

Butt first, how's abouts some monarch butterfly pics?

The Adelaide Hills has a very stable population of monarch butterflies, and when they are migrating through the Hills you can see loads of them. A few weeks ago this just happened to be one of those days. And Wifey-Poo had her new camera! Her new one is a FujiFine Pix HS10. It has a 30 to 1 OPTICAL zoom! And twice the dpi as our ole S6500fd (which I was using)

Needless to say, we both got some pretty darned good butterfly pics that day!

Here are some of mine first. Enjoy!

This pair had just landed and were folding up their wings to get ready to feast on pollen.
monarch butterfly 01

Same pair, slurping away with wings folded.
monarch butterfly 02

Same pair. Most of them folded their wings up whilst slurping nectar.
monarch butterfly 03

I finally found one bloke (yes, this one is a male) that left his wings open whilst feeding!
monarch butterfly 04

And then there's the best pic I was able to get of him!
monarch butterfly 05

You are now about to see the difference when you double the dpi and triple the zoom. BTW, Wifey-Poo's new camera goes from taking supermacro to taking 720 mm zoom shots without changing lenses.

She was still learning the colour balance and all the nifty controls, but the detail is just amazing!

monarch butterfly 06

monarch butterfly 07

We both took pics of the bloke who left his wings out whilst feeding. Just compare the detail!
monarch butterfly 08

This one is cool since you can see his tongue!
monarch butterfly 09

Butt that's enough of butterflies!

Let's move on to the next subject, ME!

Story time! Yes, I know it's been a long time since you've heard a story about your Unkie Dave hurting himself, butt let's just end that right now! I'm sure you all recall the time I left my face on the pavement (6 yrs old), broke leg in scissors swing thingy (5 yrs old), broke arm 10 yrs old, left 10 foot long bloody skidmark on pavement from summer roller-skiing accident at 15 yrs old, did a faceplant... oh, HECK! I'm sure you get the idea! I had a fun childhood.

Growing up wild? Yeah, that sounds about right. Nearly smashing my eyesocket with the back of my hatchet? Yup, that'd be me mate. I should write a book titled Growing Up Wild.

Anyways, I tell you this cuz not only are all those stories in my blog archives *cough cough*, butt also to tell you I know a wee little bit about pain.

As in the pain difference betwixt a sprained ankle and a broken ankle. The pain of multiple broken bones as opposed to a cracked rib or three.

I tells ya mates, when my skeleton is dug up and examined by future archaeologists they are gonna think I was tortured from 4 yrs old to 45 yrs old. Nope, I just had fun.

Butt two and a half weeks ago I was not having fun.

Oh sure, I was cleaning the pool (which is always fun as it means I'll be jumping in) butt it wasn't exactly what you call "fun" as in the "fun" of creek climbing. BTW, the creek climbing story is in the archives, just have a squizz through some of my early posts.

I was standing on the edge of the pool. The edges of the pool are very hard tiles over concrete. The edges are also a crisp, clean, 90 degree edge.

As I was finishing vacuuming the shallow end of the pool, the end of the pole became slightly tangled in the vines that grow over, through, and around the fence.

Here's a pic of the offending vines:

Here, lemme just scribble all over the pic so it'll make scents to y'allns!
painted pool

I'm totally sure that explains everything!

Back to the story. When the top end of the vacuuming pole caught in the vines, my first, and natural, reaction was to pivot to my right, reach out with my right arm and free the pole.

Sounds simple, right?


You have to remember that I although I am rather strong (smelling) I do have to take care of how I move and lift due to my back. Don't ask, long story mate.

So as I pivoted on my right foot whilst reaching to the right with my right hand and holding onto the pole with my left hand, my left foot decided that if it pivoted whilst remaining stationary that my back would be not very happy.

Hence, at that point, my left foot decided to step forward in order not to piss off my lower back too much. There was, needless to say, a slight problem with that particular maneuver: a step forward was a step into the pool.

Don't get me wrong here, I'm NOT a klutz. Besides, if my batteries would've been fully charged then I'dve just walked across the water. Alas, I neglected to plug myself in the previous week as I did not anticipate any walking on water in my near future.

So my foot started to sink rather rapidly.

You know how when you are falling there is always the quite natural, instinctual reaction to try to arrest the fall? As in, you try to bloody-well catch yourself mate! Butt if I had been thinking (HA!) then I'm sure I would've just gone with the fall and went splat into the pool. Well, DUH!

Butt no, instincts took over and my body tried to arrest the fall well before my brain had a chance to engage (it was in idle, so it's excused).

What happened is that I tried to grab onto the pole with my right hand, my right foot slipped to the right (I'm glad I'm flexible as I did the "splits" without warming up) as my left butt cheek landed directly on the REALLY FUCKING HARD edge of the pool. Oh, and somewhere my left hand tried to cushion the fall and jammed it's own wrist -stupid left hand.

After my left butt cheek landed SOLIDLY on the edge, the rest of my body slowly slithered into the pool. The whole operation took about 0.001 seconds, butt it felt like an eternity.

My first thought was "Well, didn't need that tailbone anyways." Butt then the shaking set in. Then the nausea set in. Then my legs didn't really feel like working.

Yeah, I kinda knew something was wrong. Perhaps the nausea inducing pain from my left glute MAY have had something to do with it. Maybe.

About ten minutes later I was able to gather the strength to extricate myself from the shallow end of the pool which happens to a whole whopping 2 feet deep. I slowly made my way up the two steps to the pool door and whimpered my way into the kitchen to puke into the sink.

Since Wifey-Poo and BIL were in the kitchen at the time I do believe they figured out rather quickly that something was, shall we say, wrong. I threw up in the sink, then told then what happened.

I gotta tell y'all something. If you want some serious sympathy then you may want to consider cracking your pelvis and getting your glute muscle torn and separated from the bone. Oh sure, you'll be in a lot of pain, eating ibuprofen by the handful, icing your butt with multiple ice packs, and generally being miserable. Butt dang I tells ya mates: Serious Sympathy!

Of course after you've been laying on one side all day which causes your previously compressed lower back disks to go wonky you may not be too happy. That's why I recommend sending your BIL to the bottle shop for a case or four of tequila. And keep it in your bedroom!

As many of you have been following this blog for yonks now, you may have come to realize that I have left my scents of embarrassment long behind me. Therefore it really shouldn't surprise you that I have taken daily pictures of My Butt Bruise!

And I'm sure you're all just dying to see them! Ha. No, I didn't take them in ultra-high fidelity like the BUTTerfly pics. In facts, these were all taken in low light in a mirror. And I shrunk them waaaaaaay down.

And since they were taken by Yours Truly (don't swoon ladies, I'm human) in a mirror you'll notice the pictures are "mirrored". Trust me when I say that it's my LEFT butt cheek that has the bruise and broken parts.

I therefore do not think there is any reason why you all won't just LOVE to see this really awesomely cool bruise throughout a 12 day period. It kinda looks like I chased a rainbow butt the rainbow smacked me on the ass. Either that or the leprechaun has a really warped scents of humour.

Butt if you are easily offended (yeah, like any of my readers are!) then you may knot want to scroll down any farther. Oh, I've already shared these pics on twitter. One person said they've never seen a bruise like that outside of an emergency room! So weather or knot you view these pictures, please keep in mind that my bruised, naked, butt is already world famoose.

Without any further ado...

Here is the Butt Bruise Pic Day 1!

butt day1

What comes after Day 1? Why, day 2 of course!:
butt day2

Day 3 usually follows day 2:
butt day3

Day 4:
butt day4

Day 5 follows day 4:
butt day5

I neglected to take a day 6 pic. I think the codeine didn't let me wake up. So here's Day 7:
butt day7

Let's zip to Day 9! The dark line is from the impact (it hurts a bit):
butt day9

Getting some really cool rainbow colors now!
butt day10

Butt some things always fade away... Day 12:
butt day12

Lastly, since you've read this far, I feel safe in telling you that I'm so very glad I'm right handed because I couldn't even begin to imagine the agony if I tried to wipe with my left hand!


Anonymous said...

I've heard tell of folks who were trying to "bust ass" for one reason or 'nother... but this is WAY over the top, Daver.

I'm having sympathy pains just thinking about it. Argggggggghhhhh.

Here's to hoping you heal up damn quick-like so you can get back to blogging regularly. You're definitely missed.

Jim and Heather on Meerkat said...

Ok, seriously did NOT want to see pictures of your butt, but OH MY GAWD did you injure yourself!!??!! That had to hurt like unbelievable hell. Just reading about it (pre butt pics) was making me cringe and I was getting that sick to my tailbone feeling of that pain. Hope you are doing butter. I mean better.
Nice butterfly pics btw. I got some cool butterfly pics in Costa Rica last week - slowly organizing them blah, blah, blah.
Ok, huge sympathy from "Meerkat". I'll send ice.

Aaaaha ha ha!!! My word verification is:

sounds about like what you did.

Arvay said...

Blue moon photos!

Ishmael said...

Dang bro! Good thing it wasn't your head you banged. You'd still be at the bottom of the pool.

Glad you're getting better. Hope you heal up fine.

la isla d'lisa said...

Some folk will do ANYTHING for attention (snicker!).

Cathy said...

Gee...I drop off the face of the earth for a while and come back to find photos of your ass. What is this world coming to?