Naked Pink Ladies from Oz

... will be the title of an upcoming post. But not this one. This one concerns lemons, beer, dead critters, lazy critters, live parrots, and a pool. Don't those all seem to go together nicely?

Well, in my world they do, so tough.

Firstly, about the fermented lemons from last post. Yes, Liz, you can actually drink it. And it tastes good too. But to make it taste even better you boil the bejeezers out of the water, sliced lemons, and sugar. Then you let it cool to around 75 F. Then you skim out all the rinds and such. THEN you add the yeast.

But that's a lot more work and lot more time consuming. That's why I posted the "quick 'n' easy, cheap 'n' sleazy" method first. Not that I'm any of those, ahem.

We'll be bottling our beer today (or at least when you read this, could be tomorrow if you don't check in regularly).

But before we do that, how's about a picture of the bottom of the pool?




But what's that black speck in the picture? Hmmmmm, let's just zoom in a bit:




Oh, it's just a drowned huntsman spider, no worries.

Here's a shot of the side of the pool:




But what's that black speck in the picture? Hmmmmm, let's just zoom in a bit:


Oh, it's just the cat doing what he does best on hot days... toasting himself on the hot bricks that I can't even walk on barefoot!

Hey cat! Wake up! There's an evil creature about looking to kill a critter!
Here comes Sarah Palin!!! Watch out!




I'll have you know that cat did escape and has lived to sleep another day away.

Now for a deft switching of topics... BEER! Specifically the bottling of the brew.

This is what the primary fermenter looks like after seven days. I've been taking an SG reading each day and this ale ended up stabilising at 1012 for 3 days. It's ready! It started at 1052 so the alcohol content comes to 5.86%.




It's going to go into the bottles of the top two boxes.


Unlike wussy sized beer bottles, these hold 750 mls each. So the 30 bottles would be equal to 60 US sized beers.

Coopers makes it really easy to get just the right amount of sugar for the secondary fermentation in the bottles:

Pure, 100% glucose. Unlike the brewing sugar which is dextrose and maltodextrose.

Each Aussie sized bottle gets 2 pellets, whereas if I was bottling little weenie 12 ounce bottles I'd only need one per bottle:




Now to get the beer into the bottles... Heck that's easy, just unscrew the lid and start pouring! I joke.

Again, Coopers makes it easy. The have a attachment that fits onto the spigot that has a little float valve at the bottom. That way not only are you not turning the spigot on and off, but you are filling the bottle from the bottom up. That way it doesn't foam and waste space in the bottle that could otherwise be used for more beer.

Yes, I'm dainty...



You fill the bottle all the way to the top and then remove the bottle. The space the bottling tube used will give you the perfect amount of airspace at the top of the bottle. Cap that sucker tightly:




And then you do it again... and again... and again... Eventually the flow will become very slow. That's when you get WP to tilt the fermenter at an angle.




Soon WP becomes bored, so you have BIL take over the angling duties:

See that pale sludge in the bottom of the fermenter? When you are done make sure you keep some! Wonderful active yeast that makes very tasty bread!

And when you are done you'll have this:


The bottles need to sit for a week in a warm spot. Hence the temp gauge on the floor. 27 C is the upper limit you want.

This batch of ale went from cloudy to clear after 6 days in the bottle. Waa-Laa! Beer!

When Life Gives You Lemons... Ferment Them Suckers!

I mean, come on folks! Doesn't a nice batch of lemon beer sound tasty? Oh, wait a sec... I guess I should tell you how I got on this ole here lemony kick.

Ahem

It all started when I was a wee little tyke. No, not really. It all started when I was a wee lil blogga bloke from Oz. No, wait... that's not right either. It all started when the lemon tree out back was dropping so many lemons that neighbors used to come over and ask for lemons.

Yes! That's right y'all out in bloggerland: I give away free lemons to anyone who wants them! Naturally I'd expect lady karma to chime in...

CLANG!

Oops, sounds like lady karma just chimed!

I've just got the extremely coveted and much revered Blogger Lemonade Award! Wee-Hoo! Where's my check? Where's my chick?

Apparantly this ultra-prestigious award is bestowed upon bloggers who show --and I quote-- "great attitude or gratitude", end quote. Now everyone who knows me is darned sure that I have quite the attitude and I's ain't denyin' it!

Oh yeah, I'm supposed to put up a little lemonade stand too. Here ya go:




Ok, time to be serious...

I can't thank the selfless folks who give their time, their money, themselves (and sometimes their lives) to help people or critters in need. If there was some way to show gratitude towards all the people who've helped with the bushfires down here in Oz, or the fuel 'n food crisis in rural Alaska, or to the volunteers who save stranded whales, or to the folks building houses for those who've lost their house...

This list can go on and on...

Too many causes, not enough time...

It takes me all the fingers on both hands (and some toes) to count the charities I give to. I don't deduct any of it either cus I feel this is a good way to help by using some spare money that would just otherwise be spent on frivolous crap.

Of course this blog was nominated not only for it's really cool title posts but also for the fact that I project a wonderful attitude. Ok, ok... maybe I don't project it all the time.

I've been told by many people over the years (bloody-long DECADES) that I always seem to "land on my feet". What does that mean? Hey, shit happens to me just as much as it does to anyone. Trust me on this! I've had some serious shit happen to me.

But for some reason things seem to work out alright for me. Is it my attitude towards life? Or do I have a guardian angel looking out for me? I don't care which! Either one works for me!

I've got a great saying that I use (and tell people) that seems to work wonders. I'll be nice and share it with you. Whenever something bad (but trivial) happens, just think, "If that's the worst thing that happens today, then it will be a good day."

If someone cuts you off in traffic do you get mad and yell and scream at them? Do you then go home and tell the family how some jerk cut in front of you on the highway? Well next time it happens, just think this:

If that's the worst thing that happens today, then it will be a good day.


Oh no! There's a line at the checkout at the grocery store! Damn! Oh, wait...

If that's the worst thing that happens today, then it will be a good day.


Shit! That bastard won't let me get past him on the escalator! ***&%#$%$@*!!!!! Oh, wait...

If that's the worst thing that happens today, then it will be a good day.

See? It works!

Next topic: Fermented Lemons.

This isn't a lemon beer recipe (that's just way too tedious), but instead it's a quick way to ferment them thar lemons that life just tossed at you.

Slice up four or five lemons. Toss them in a big ole 20 litre (5 gallon) pot. Chuck in 2 or 3 pounds of sugar. Add some hot water to bring it up to almost full. Stir it well to dissolve the sugar. Sprinkle 2 or 3 tbsp of yeast. Put a lid on it. Any room that hangs out around 70 F should be fine for keeping it in.

2 days later, bottle it! Ummmmmm, use a ladle, strainer, and a funnel. You should get around 50 bottles of fermented lemons.

Next step: drink it! Go on, I dare ya.


Next topic: Can you count?

I mean really now. NO ONE wanted to count the birds in this pic? There are SEVEN (7) rainbow lorikeets in the picture. Can you find them all?




I almost forgot... I'm supposed to award the Lemonade Blogger Award to 5 (or is it 10) other bloggers. That'll have to wait till next time since I need to work on dinner.

And don't forget: coming soon... Naked Pink Ladies From Oz!

and one weird cat

The Wonderful Brew Wizard of Oz

Hmmmm, methinks I just *might* have to explain the title. Just maybe...

See, I've kinda gotten into this whole homebrewing thing (you were right KC, it's addictive, but it's still way cheaper than buying beer down here). Hence, the "Brew Wizard" part of the title.

So far all the brews have been not only "palatable", but everyone loves them. Not that I am a brewing wizard yet, but if I follow the instructions it turns out damned good.

I'm very pleased with the Cooper's range, and I've just put in a batch of Cascade's Golden Harvest. Should be ready to bottle at the end of this week.

But what about the "Oz" thing? Enquiring minds want to know! There's something you need to know about Aussie's. They like to shorten EVERTHING and give nicknames to EVERYONE.

Anyone down here who's last name is Murphy, will (without fail) be called Spuds. No way around it.

And popular sportsman get nicknames too. And they even answer to the nicknames! Adam Gilchrist is "Gilly". Matthew Hayden is "Haydos". Ricky Ponting is "Punter". Andrew Symonds is "Roy" (long story) or sometimes "Symo". Michael Clarke is "Pup" or "Clarkie". Stuart O'Grady is "Stuey".

Names of things and places get shortened too. Adelaide becomes "Addie". Brisbane is "Brissie".

And the one that'll really surprise you...

Australian Rules Football. Yep, that's the official designation. It's sometimes refered to as "Aussie Rules". But the most popular one is...

a
r
e

y
o
u

r
e
a
d
y
?

Imagine big, huge musclebound blokes sitting around talking about...

h
e
r
e

i
t

c
o
m
e
s

.
.
.



Footy!

Yes, it's called Footy down here.

Imagine you are at a bar down unda. Imagine that a big ole bloke next to you tells the bartender to turn on the "telly" so he can watch "the footy".

There's even a weekly TV show. Highlights, upcoming matches, etc. And it's called (you can probably guess what's coming)...

The Footy Show

I kid you not! Just google it and see what comes up.

Does this have ANYTHING to do with Oz? Yes, I heard you ask that all the way from Western Massatooshits (sp).

Since Aussies shorten pretty much everything, then this'll make perfect sense.

Australia become Aus
Aus sounds like Oz

Hence, if you are an Aussie, then you are from Oz.

See???!!?! Doesn't it make sense?

Think about email. Would a company down here call itself "Australian Email Service"? Hell no! Let's just shorten it to... hmmmmm... how about "Aussie Email"? Nope, still to long. "Ausemail"? Nah, that looks bloody well awful, mate! What about "Ozemail"?

BINGO!

Yes, there is an email provider down here called Ozemail. I'm not kidding.

If any of the above seems to give the impression that I don't like the truncations and nicknames, then let me say right now that nothing could be further from the truth! I love it! Just had to get used to it...

Afternoon becomes Arvo, btw.

Alrighty then! On with the Aussie bird pics for the day, and then we'll do some more homebrewing!

Let's play a game of "Count the Rainbow Lorikeets"!

How many can you see in this first pic?


Well, that one may have been too easy for some of you, so how's abouts this one:


And now for a harder one:




For the third pic I'll give you a hint: It's one less than the second pic. Go ahead, try to find them all!

On to the finalisation of the primary fermenter for your home brew!

As I left you five days ago (sorry!) we had just finished "yeasting" the wort. Now it's time to put a lid on that tank.

Be very careful not to cross thread cuz you want a tight seal.



Now, this is an airlock. A very simple device with no moving parts that keeps the ucky, gucky, contaminated air (the stuff we breathe) from getting to the wort and infecting it, while still allowing the carbon dioxide out of the tank. I imagine this type of device has been in use for millenia.

That's boiled, cooled water in it, btw.



This blog will now become dirty and kinky for a bit.

You now get to shove the stiff, plastic base of the airlock into the o-ring grommet on the lid of the fermenter. Naturally, the thick, plastic shaft on the bottom of the airlock looks waaaaaaay too big for the tiny o-ring it's supposed to be jammed into.



Unfortunately for the tiny, flexible, o-ring you are not allowed to use any lubricant on the plastic shaft of the airlock. So you have to be very careful and go very slowly as the plastic shaft penetrates the o-ring opening. I've found a slow "up and down" motion works well and doesn't blow out the o-ring.




Once the shaft of the airlock is fully inserted into the unlubbed o-ring, it should look something like this:




Ok, I'm now done being disgusting. Yeah... RIGHT!

Anyways, you now want to take a couple of readings and write them down. You want to monitor the temperature of the fermenter, and you want to monitor the specific gravity as the wort ferments.

First, there's a temp strip on the outside of the tank:




And then you want to take an SG reading. First, fill your tube with a bit of wort:




Then insert your hydrometer into the tube and take a reading:




And make sure you don't drip wort onto the shag carpet. Not that I'd ever do anything like that, of course.

Here's a couple of teasers for upcoming posts:

1) The cat was apprenticed with the Vendol.

2) Red hot naked pink ladies from Oz.

So, which one would you like first?

It's Rainin' Beer!

And I'm sure those of you who hang out in "those" type of night clubs will notice that the title of this post is a play-on-words of a particular song that is still popular in those clubs.

Or at least that's what I've heard...

Yesterday afternoon I noticed there was some sort of odd, weird, atmospheric disturbance in the sky. No, this wasn't anything to do with the asteroid that almost smashed into earth with only 2 days warning but instead did a flyby of 68,000 km. Hmmmm, perhaps some of the war dollars could be routed to NASA so that just perhaps, maybe, we'd have a wee bit more than 2 days warning!

Aussie austronomers found that puppy, with some funding from NASA. Perhaps with some more funding, austronomers and astronomers 'round da woil' could find these objects and maybe we'd get more than two days warning.

D
e
e
p

b
r
e
a
t
h
.
.
.

B
r
e
a
t
h
e

s
l
o
w
l
y
.
.
.

I
n
h
a
l
e
.
.
.

E
x
h
a
l
e
.
.
.

Ahhhhh, I feel so much betta now. *contented sigh*


So what was the weird atmospheric disturbance that caused so much panic down unda? Well, I'm not quite sure. [insert Twilight Zone music here]

See, yesterday arvo the sky wasn't blue no more! And then the tree branches all started swaying to and fro! It got dark! Really dark! An odd howling was heard, but I couldn't tell where it was coming from!

I naturally assumed this was the Rapture (me being a huge believer in the Book of Revels --oops, Revelations). So I sprinted outside, flung my head back, stretched out my arms and waited for what I was sure would come.

Then the oddest thing happened...

My face and skin felt like it was being bombarded by tiny, viscous pellets! I naturally stretched my arms even further out as I was sure this was the rapture!

At that point I fell backwards and passed out.

WP came outside with a bucket of dry dirt and tossed it in my face to revive me...

She then explained about this odd concept of "clouds" and water falling from the clouds which is called "rain".

Ah yes! Of course! My memories from Alaska came FLOODING back to me! Now how could I have forgotten the Seward Rain Festival that runs from January 1st to December 31st?

Ok, I'll be serious now.

maybe

Yesterday arvo we got a whole whopping 0.6 millimeters of rain. WOW! For those of you who don't know how to use a calculator, that comes to about 1/42 of an inch! And we were happy! It brought the yearly total up to 3.1 millimetres (1/8 of an inch)! Oh lawdy the crops be saved!

But what's so cool is that there was even more rain this morning! More than we'd had for the ENTIRE YEAR! Yes, in the space of 3600 seconds (that's one hour, BTW) we had 4 millimetres of rain! In only sixty minutes! Good gosh golly!

Hmmmm, that brings the total for the year to just over a whole whoppin' quarter of an inch!

Naturally with all this extra precipitation falling from the sky I just couldn't go in the pool today. I mean, heck, I didn't want to get wet from the rain.

*break* *break*

We interrupt this silly post for your daily parrot pictures

Whoops, that's my cue to give you some birdie pics. A couple of days ago I was using a slow shutter speed to try to get some blurry wing effects. Ummmmmm, it worked! See for yourselves:








I am, of course, inviting every one of my 5 faithful readers *waving HI!* to come up with their own captions for the above pics.

*break* *break*

Sorry for the interrupt, we now return you to this silly blog

...and that's how I saved the world and made a billion dollars. Oh, sorry about the commercial break. Maybe when my fingers dry out I'll retype the part you missed.


Next Topic

BEER

As I left you intrepid newbie brewers, I was just about to add the sugar. See, look: brewing sugar:




Be very very very very very careful when opening the bag. This stuff can go EVERYWHERE!




Dump the sugar into your primary fermenter




Oh, in case any of you are confused, just have a look at yesterdays post as I'm sure it'll confuse you even more.

This is what it looks like before you stir the sugar into the mix




This is what it looks like after you stir the sugar into the mix



Anyone notice a difference? Yes, stirring helps dissolve the sugar!

We need to fill the primary fermenter up to this level:


How do I know that? Cus on the outside of the jug there are some heiroglyphic markings that show you the amount of liquid in the fermenter. In this case we want to fill it to 23 litres. 23 litres is 6.07 gallons so let's just say 6 gallons.

This is done by the use of my "beer bucket".




Did you notice there's a temperature strip on the outside of the fermenter? Yup, there is. This should be between 21 C and 27 C after adding the boiling water and the room temp water. Mine is usually at 28 C, but that's ok cus anything up to 32 C is alright. You also don't want to let the wort (that's the liquid in your fermenter) sit for a while before you add the yeast. So even if the temp reads 28 C, just feel free to add in the yeast, no worries.

Look, here's some yeast:




Just sprinkle the yeast evenly (sort of) over the top of the wort, no worries.




Coming up next: Sealing that jug. Fitting the airlock. Taking the initial SG reading.

Oh, and just for some nice lady up in Berkshire, we'll also be following the yellow brick road :)

The Birds and The Bees

Whoopsie, there I go with a typo in the post title again. Damn, I just hate it when I do that. It should have been the birds and the BEERS.

Big difference. Just a huuuuuuge, monsterous difference! It was also a huuuuuge, monsterous pickle...

Ahem

Actually, I guess it should have been the birds and the BEEAH since Aussies have a hard time pronounckeeatin' an "r" at the end of a word, and sometimes in the middle of it too.

So that "bugger" comes out as "bugga". "Beer" becomes "beeah". "Shane Warne" becomes "Shane Waaahnie", or sometimes pronounced as "Greatest Spinnah of all time no matta what that little chuckah from Sri Lanka says".

Well, at least that's how the Aussies pronounce his name. I'm sure the Sri Lankans pronounce Shane Warne's name slightly differently. Just slightly, mind you.

Of course, ever' region has it's own peculiah way to speak woids, no matta what thuh spellin' 'r da 'fishial anglish wordin'.

Take, for instance, say... hmmmmmm... Alaska!

Let's say you have an old, crappy, rusted-out, piece-of shit, truck that barely runs. Someone from Anchorage would probably pronounce that as "old, crappy, rusted-out, piece-of shit, truck that barely runs". HOWEVER, a person from Ester (just outside of Fairbanks) might pronounce it as "the family limousine". And someone from Kodiak would probably call it "The Kokon Mobile".

The same thing goes for the lower 48.

Take the fraze "10,000 square foot mansion". Depending on where you are stateside, you'd pronounce the frase differently upon spotting the structure. Someone from Beverly Hills would pronounce it as "tacky and small"; whereas on the east coast of Outside, let's say... hmmmmmmm... Martha's Vineyard, they'd pronounce the words "10,000 square foot mansion" as "servant's quarters".

Anyways, I'm sure that explains the typo in the title of this blog post. It should read "The buhds and The Beeahs", NOT "The Birds and The Bees.

There. I feel better now, do you?

Since I've made you read through all the above crap, let me show you some bird pics --since just perhaps that might have something to do with the post.

This first one illustrates quite nicely just how leaned over the bird feeder is. Please note the bench in the lower left to give you some idea of a level horizon.





Pahdon me, suh. But would you happen to have any Grey Poupon?

Bugga off, mate!





Are you two up for a threesome?



Next topic: BEEAH!

I've started homebrewing recently. In fact, the fisrt batch of lager is half gone after one week. But don't worry, the ale will be ready in a couple of days and the "Mexican Cerveza" should be ready to be bottled in a couple of days. Ummmm, cerveza is hispanic for beeah, BTW.

I'm using a Cooper's Brew Kit. They make it soooooo darned easy and cheap! Very simple as long as you take the time to sterilise everything between batches and you keep the temperature at the proper level for the brew you are making.

Cooper's Brewery is Australia's largest producers of malt extract. And they are just around the corner from us. Cool. And they have lot's and lot's of different malts ready for you to make some darned good beer!

Here's how to make it yourself. Oh, keep in mind I've already cleaned out and disinfected all the parts of the primary fermenter before starting this.

First, you take your 1.7 litre can of hopped, malt extract and soak in some hot water so it pours nicely:




You then go into your brewery. Here's the door to mine:




Open the can of hopped malt. BTW, can openers rarely get cleaned by most folk. This could be a huge source of bacteria which could make your beer go bung, so make sure you clean and disinfect the can opener too.




Pour the liquid into the fermenter. Notice I've put the valve in BEFORE pouring! Also you'll see a little slotted thingy on the inside of the spigot. That's so you don't get loads of sediment in your bottles.




Fill the empty can up with boiling water, and then swirl the water around to get all that malty goodness out of the can:




Be careful when pouring the water into the vat, cus that can will be HOT!




Add another half litre of boiling water to the fermenting vat:




But don't get the camera too close or you'll fog your lens.




Add 8 litres of room temp water to the vat. BTW, this is my "beer bucket". Only clean water has ever touched it's sides and it's disinfected before each batch.




Your fermenter should be about a third full now.




Now it's time to stir the heck out of it! It'll take a couple of minutes of stirring to get the malt completely dissolved:




Coming up next: adding the brewing sugar! And more water! And more stirring! And yeast!