Wednesday, October 04, 2006

One Sick Puddy

I know, I know... Y'all think it's a typo in the title since by (buy) now you are all sure I'm "One Sick Puppy"... But no! there is a sick puddy-tat in residence down here.

Before I tell you about how sick he is, I feel that I should clear up something about the title in yesterdays (uploaded today) post. Now, those of you down under obviously know about Hard Yakka, but it strikes me (3 times! I'm out!) that you folks up in that "other" hemisphere may not know what I'm talking about. Hell, even more so than normal.

Yakka means "bloody hard work, mate. Pass me that stubbie." So you can see that "Hard Yakka" means "Really fuckin' bloody-well hard work". NOW does it all make sense?

Back to the story (ramble):

The cat has been listless for two days now... I actually noticed it 1.895 days ago when he didn't want to go outside on the roof and kick the shit out of the neighbors cat that had the temerity to intrude. Ok... Let's see: Massive black panther with 2 inch fangs and inch long claws that goes on the prowl at 3:02 am every morning precisely 2 minutes after waking me up by telling me of the latest burglar dismembering (fortunately, my cavedude background enables me to not only chuck the panther out, but also to get those nasty blood stains out of the sheets), check. Massive black panther who eats 10 pounds of raw kibbles a day, check. Massive black panther who jumps the 8 foot fence and terrorises the school next door, check. Massive black panther who frightens us all when he starts purring cus we think it's thunder, check.

Well now... It's amazing how a little thing can get a panther down. I knew there was something wrong when I didn't feel 100 pounds of fur on my tummy the other day. Hmmm, cat doesn't want to do anything and curls up in cat-cave. Cat pouts all day. Something's WRONG with the cat!

Vet checks him out (while wearing rhino hide shoulder length gloves) and here's what the verdict is: The cat pulled a muscle in his back! Yes folks, one two (too) many headlong dives off the balcony has rendered the huge murderous beastie into a whimpering "help me", tame, puddy-tat. Even more amazing is that he is almost six. He was born on All-Hallows-Eve --explains a LOT! and is just coming into middle-age. So what happens? His back goes bung! Oh can I relate...

But, he's all better now. My arms, legs, and chest are all bandaged up and I should have full use of all my limbs soon (someone's gotta hold him while a pill is shoved down his throat). I guess All's Well That End's Well, or some such crap.

Coming up next after this break: FOOD!!!

Cornbread --and lots of varieties thereof!

Now, basic cornbread is very simple, very quick, and very tasty. I'll give you a VERY basic cornbread recipe first, and then I'll give you a whole sh*tload of ways you can make that thar loaf taste amazin'. Koo-all, I can type with an accent.

So, firstly, a basic, bland cornbread (like my use of commas?)

What you need:

1 cup (237 mls) flour
1 cup (238 mls) cornmeal (or polenta)
2 tbspns (30 mls) raw sugar
1 tbspn (15 mls) baking powder
1 splat of softened butter --note, to soften butter just leave it out of the fridge, duh. Oh, one dave splat is exactly 16.3141592654 mls
enough water or milk to make a sticky dough

What you do:

Chuck into a bowl the first four things. Mix em well. Then work the butter into the dry mixture with the tines of a fork. Then add H2O (water) or milk till it's a sticky dough (use a wooden spoon here, you can ditch the fork now). Put it into a buttered breadpan and bake for 30-40 mins at around 180 C (360 F). When it tests done, well then it probably is.

NOW THEN: How to REALLY make cornbread!

Start with the above recipe, mainly the first 5 things (that means everything except the liquid stuff).

Cornbread #1) Add an egg to the H2O or milk

Cornbread #2) Add some dried chili (chilli for you UK folks) flakes before adding the liquid stuff

Cornbread #3) Add some diced cheddar cheese b4 adding liquid stuff

Cornbread #4) Add some cooked corn kernals b4 adding liquid

Cornbread #5) Cook some bacon. Crumble cooked bacon into cornbread mix b4 adding liquid

Cornbread #6) Use the rendered bacon fat in the liquid --very very very tasty

Cornbread #7) Use sourdough starter in place of the water or milk Make a note, dear readers, many many many good thing to do with sourdough starter (and even how to make the initial batch)

Cornbread #8) Chuck in any kind of seasoning you want

The possibilities are endless! BTW if you combine #1 through #8 inclusively, then you get a real kick-ass cornbread.

Do any of you young whipper-snappers remember the ole joke from geometry class? No? Well, I thought naught (not). It goes like this:

"Pssst," you say while nudging your buddy (or buddette) in the ribs. "What's the formula for the area of a circle?"
"Dummy," he/she/it says, "it's pi r square."
Then you look incredously at him/her/it and say, "No! Pie are round. Cornbread are square."

Ummm, I guess you had to be there...

Over and Out, time to go look for a panther on the prowl.


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