Another Year Has Flown By!

Yes folks, another year has gone by. Flew by! Shot by! ZZZZZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMED by!

I blinked, I missed it. Darn.

Yes, it is my birthday today, Sunday August 28th 2011.

I wasn't expecting anything this morning as our plans for overnighting somewhere (anywhere EXCEPT the house!) were shot to shit 2 weeks ago. Spent the last 2 weeks helping BIL with his PHD thesis AND helping him grade biology lab reports for 1st year uni students.

Is there anything his daveness can't do? Full disclosure: his daveness is what one of my twitter girlfriends calls me :-} She also wants a clone of me. Or at least someone to cook for her!

Don't swoon ladies, I'm human!

Anyways, wifey-poo and I are gonna get away, it'll be a late birthday pressie for me.

And even with that I did get some pressies this morning! I did have to make my own cake, but I'm pretty good at that.

BIL picked out a great card. It is the BEST BIRTHDAY CARD EVER!




Hey, off topic but can anyone guess whereabouts in South Oz this picture was tooked?




Now by now I'm sure that perhaps just one or two of you are about to inquire as to my current age. Well, you don't need to ask cuz I'm gonna tell ya!

I am now 2.6914 x 10^52 Planck time units old.

And I feel every single one of them at times!

For those of you who have a hard time converting Planck time units into the arcane "year" measurement, I have this to say:


nanner nanner nanner

Koala pics and vids!

Too busy to actually put up one of my world-famous, hilariously funny blog posts. So y'all are gonna have to make due (in do time) with some pictures.

And a video.

That Yours Truly (don't swoon ladies, I'm human!) tooked 3 days ago whilst Wifey-Poo and I literally dragged MIL out the door to have a picnic up at Belair National Park.

Remember, these are wild koalas.

The first one is a koala running (yes, RUNNING) across a field! This is NOT something you see everyday folks!




And just how's abouts a video of that koala? Yes, I'm good *wink*




Zen and The Art of Sleeping

I have a lot to learn...

I'm impressed!




And finally...

Yes, my ass is very comfortable wedged betwixt these two branches. Why do you ask?

Isn't Someone Going Help That Poor Man?

"Hush Harriet, that's a sure way to get him killed!"

I'm sure that all my regular readers will know exactly what movie those two lines are from and what situation it pertains to, also.

But when I hear those lines I think of something, shall we say... Different!

Perhaps maybe something like this picture...







Whoops, looks like someone doesn't wear her wig at home!

And feel to click on the pic to bring it up fullsize!

A Public Service Announcement from Yours Truly!

Y'all knows that UV is bad fer ya, right? That'd be the UV radiation you get from sitting out in the sun too long, BTW. Now remember that you do want to get out in the sun regularly as you need your vitamin D, but over-exposure can be, well, bad.

Not only do ya run the risk of skin cancer, but it can make your skin look yonks (YONKS I tells ya!) older than what it really is.

Butt don't worry cuz if you're stupid enough you don't even knead to be over-exposed to the sun to get those wonderful skin problems! Tanning beds mate, tanning beds.

Hocked by hucksters to the most vain segment of society, these "beds" just bathe you in nasty UV radiation. And do you think ANYONE who uses them puts on sunblock, shirt, and a hat? What a silly question!

And there is now fotogaffic evidence of just what can happen to the skin of a "person" if she uses a tanning bed for a decade or two, consumes diet pills and Red Bull routinely and then shows up at a State Fair where anyone can see her!

Let's face it, no amount a makeup can hide THIS!





And if that "person" were to perhaps continue on this path to skin destruction, it certainly won't be long before a picture like this is taken of her:






Fortunately, I don't have any of those skin problems as a very recent photo of Yours Truly has surfaced like putrid gas rising through swamp waters...






Meanwhile, somewhere on the Fleurieu Peninsula, a marsupial contemplates life...

The best laid (snicker) plans...

... can certainly go awry.

No, that doesn't mean the trip sucked. In fact, it was AWESOME! We found quite a few places down on the Fleurieu we didn't know existed, and saw some we knew existed butt hadn't been to yet.

Here's a teaser pic of Around The Fleurieu (ATF) --multipart blog post series thingy coming soon to a blog near yew.


Please click on it to see it full size, you'll love it! The pic is a closeup of the sunset over Gulf St. Vincent as seen from Normanville, South Oz. The only thing I did to the pic was to resize it (that means shrink it down a ways). Absolutely ZERO computer enhancements were done.

Yes, it was Yours Truly (don't swoon ladies, I'm human) who tooked this photo. The camera helped a wee bit of course.





And for those of you who'd prefer the flickr pic...


If you can't see all of the flickr pic, just click on it and it'll take you to it's flickr page where you can view it at any size you'd like, no worries.

Much more soon so stay tuned campers!

♫Plannin Out a Route We're Gonna Take Real Soon♫

How soon? In two hours from now! How's that for soon?

It's the 12th Wedding Anniversary betwixt Yours Truly and Wifey-Poo. I must say, it still only seems like yesterday... *happy sigh*

Anyways, we're heading down to the Fleurieu Peninsula for 3 days. It's been a few years since we've been down that way even though it's practically the backyard for us.

I'll type in our quite changeable itinerary which is subject to change without notice. Except for where we are staying each night.

Heading out of here at 10 AM Sat. Which means closer to 11, of course. Stop off at Clarendon Oval for a nice cuppa and start to relax. Probably pick up a pastry at the wonderful, vintage, been-there-forever, Clarendon Bakery. Yes, I know it's only 23 minutes along the road through the hills (and I can get there in 49 minutes on the bicycle, but it's a good place to relax.

We'll then leisurely drive through Blewitt Springs on the way to the Maglieri winery in McLaren Vale. Pick up a bottle of Shiraz to go with the lasagna I've already made for dinner Saturday night. Also lots of pics will be taken of Maglieri. I plan on doing a photo tour of it for you, especially for http://twitter.com/#!/WarpdElfAtYrSvc since I'm the one who turned her onto the Maglieri wines and she has to special order them as she's in the US.

Then into the heart of McLaren Vale to pick up some goodies for lunch (at the Myponga reservoir lookout) at The Almond and Olive Train

Across to the coast for Aldinga then south to Sellick's Beach. Stopping for pics anywhere along the way we want to!

Down to Myponga Reservoir for lunch, a drive over the damn, then down to Carrickalinga and then a quick jaunt to Normanville. Should be around 4 PM at this point. We're staying at the Jetty Caravan Park right on the beach in one of their cabins. Drop stuff off then head down past Rapid Bay and Cape Jervis. Never been all the way down to the Cape. Not much there but it's the ferry terminal for Kangaroo Island (next trip). Back up to Normanville, wine, dinner on the beach, hopefully get some great sunset pics.

I'll skip the evening entertainment and leave that to your fertile imaginations.

Brekkie of sausage and eggs Sun morn. Outta Normanville by 9 or so. Head to Victor Harbour via Inman Valley (get some fresh apples there -- it's all orchard country). We've done Victor Harbour enough times that we won't stay long there, but I'll get some pics of the horse drawn tram that goes to Granite Island for ya. Head to Goolwa and Hindmarsh island, gonna see how many of the barrages that link the inner islands together are open. Hopefully good pics. Looking out for water birds in the wetlands. Head up to Milang via Currency Creek and pick up a bottle at the winery there for after dinner at Milang. Get to Milang around 2 PM.

Milang is a wonderful, sleepy, quiet little town on Lake Alexandrina. We've stayed there before. Once we check in we'll have the rest of the arvo to wander through the wetlands and get some awesomely great pics for you. And we'll hit The Railway Cafe. They are only open on the weekends and they serve a wonderful Devonshire Cream Tea.

Dinner at the Pier Hotel in Milang. It's supposed to be a hidden gem of a restaurant on the Fleurieu. If the night is clear we'll be star-gazing (ZERO light pollution down there!). And since it faces East over the Lake we'll get sunrise pics the next morning.

Monday brekkie is eggs and sausage again, no huge hurry to leave but probably heading out of Milang around 10 or 11 AM.

Head north to Strath via Langhorne. A stop in Strathalbyn at the main park for tea. Hopefully many great parrot pics from there. Little Corellas nest there by the thousands.

Continue north to Mt Barker (it's getting too big, no reason to stop) and to Hahndorf as I need a new hat from a special leather/hat store, only found in Hahndorf. Grab some fresh produce at the market there, then back to Sturt via Stirling and Upper Sturt.

Hopefully back at the ole homestead in Sturt around 5 pm Monday. Chinese takeout plus fresh veggies for dinner.

How's that sound for a trip?

And the car just got serviced, plus a bunch of work done. We're SET!

Outta here in 1 hour and 40 mins.

The Butt of All Jokes

I really did mean to get these monarch butterfly pics up for you, butt recent circumstances did knot allow me to.

Butt I'll explain that later. And you get another story of Unkie Dave hurting himself. Butt this is NOT from his youth, this is a story from his oldeth instead.

Butt first, how's abouts some monarch butterfly pics?

The Adelaide Hills has a very stable population of monarch butterflies, and when they are migrating through the Hills you can see loads of them. A few weeks ago this just happened to be one of those days. And Wifey-Poo had her new camera! Her new one is a FujiFine Pix HS10. It has a 30 to 1 OPTICAL zoom! And twice the dpi as our ole S6500fd (which I was using)

Needless to say, we both got some pretty darned good butterfly pics that day!

Here are some of mine first. Enjoy!

This pair had just landed and were folding up their wings to get ready to feast on pollen.




Same pair, slurping away with wings folded.




Same pair. Most of them folded their wings up whilst slurping nectar.




I finally found one bloke (yes, this one is a male) that left his wings open whilst feeding!




And then there's the best pic I was able to get of him!




You are now about to see the difference when you double the dpi and triple the zoom. BTW, Wifey-Poo's new camera goes from taking supermacro to taking 720 mm zoom shots without changing lenses.

She was still learning the colour balance and all the nifty controls, but the detail is just amazing!









We both took pics of the bloke who left his wings out whilst feeding. Just compare the detail!




This one is cool since you can see his tongue!




Butt that's enough of butterflies!

Let's move on to the next subject, ME!

Story time! Yes, I know it's been a long time since you've heard a story about your Unkie Dave hurting himself, butt let's just end that right now! I'm sure you all recall the time I left my face on the pavement (6 yrs old), broke leg in scissors swing thingy (5 yrs old), broke arm 10 yrs old, left 10 foot long bloody skidmark on pavement from summer roller-skiing accident at 15 yrs old, did a faceplant... oh, HECK! I'm sure you get the idea! I had a fun childhood.

Growing up wild? Yeah, that sounds about right. Nearly smashing my eyesocket with the back of my hatchet? Yup, that'd be me mate. I should write a book titled Growing Up Wild.

Anyways, I tell you this cuz not only are all those stories in my blog archives *cough cough*, butt also to tell you I know a wee little bit about pain.

As in the pain difference betwixt a sprained ankle and a broken ankle. The pain of multiple broken bones as opposed to a cracked rib or three.

I tells ya mates, when my skeleton is dug up and examined by future archaeologists they are gonna think I was tortured from 4 yrs old to 45 yrs old. Nope, I just had fun.

Butt two and a half weeks ago I was not having fun.

Oh sure, I was cleaning the pool (which is always fun as it means I'll be jumping in) butt it wasn't exactly what you call "fun" as in the "fun" of creek climbing. BTW, the creek climbing story is in the archives, just have a squizz through some of my early posts.

I was standing on the edge of the pool. The edges of the pool are very hard tiles over concrete. The edges are also a crisp, clean, 90 degree edge.

As I was finishing vacuuming the shallow end of the pool, the end of the pole became slightly tangled in the vines that grow over, through, and around the fence.

Here's a pic of the offending vines:




Here, lemme just scribble all over the pic so it'll make scents to y'allns!




I'm totally sure that explains everything!

Back to the story. When the top end of the vacuuming pole caught in the vines, my first, and natural, reaction was to pivot to my right, reach out with my right arm and free the pole.

Sounds simple, right?

Ha!

You have to remember that I although I am rather strong (smelling) I do have to take care of how I move and lift due to my back. Don't ask, long story mate.

So as I pivoted on my right foot whilst reaching to the right with my right hand and holding onto the pole with my left hand, my left foot decided that if it pivoted whilst remaining stationary that my back would be not very happy.

Hence, at that point, my left foot decided to step forward in order not to piss off my lower back too much. There was, needless to say, a slight problem with that particular maneuver: a step forward was a step into the pool.

Don't get me wrong here, I'm NOT a klutz. Besides, if my batteries would've been fully charged then I'dve just walked across the water. Alas, I neglected to plug myself in the previous week as I did not anticipate any walking on water in my near future.

So my foot started to sink rather rapidly.

You know how when you are falling there is always the quite natural, instinctual reaction to try to arrest the fall? As in, you try to bloody-well catch yourself mate! Butt if I had been thinking (HA!) then I'm sure I would've just gone with the fall and went splat into the pool. Well, DUH!

Butt no, instincts took over and my body tried to arrest the fall well before my brain had a chance to engage (it was in idle, so it's excused).

What happened is that I tried to grab onto the pole with my right hand, my right foot slipped to the right (I'm glad I'm flexible as I did the "splits" without warming up) as my left butt cheek landed directly on the REALLY FUCKING HARD edge of the pool. Oh, and somewhere my left hand tried to cushion the fall and jammed it's own wrist -stupid left hand.

After my left butt cheek landed SOLIDLY on the edge, the rest of my body slowly slithered into the pool. The whole operation took about 0.001 seconds, butt it felt like an eternity.

My first thought was "Well, didn't need that tailbone anyways." Butt then the shaking set in. Then the nausea set in. Then my legs didn't really feel like working.

Yeah, I kinda knew something was wrong. Perhaps the nausea inducing pain from my left glute MAY have had something to do with it. Maybe.

About ten minutes later I was able to gather the strength to extricate myself from the shallow end of the pool which happens to a whole whopping 2 feet deep. I slowly made my way up the two steps to the pool door and whimpered my way into the kitchen to puke into the sink.

Since Wifey-Poo and BIL were in the kitchen at the time I do believe they figured out rather quickly that something was, shall we say, wrong. I threw up in the sink, then told then what happened.

I gotta tell y'all something. If you want some serious sympathy then you may want to consider cracking your pelvis and getting your glute muscle torn and separated from the bone. Oh sure, you'll be in a lot of pain, eating ibuprofen by the handful, icing your butt with multiple ice packs, and generally being miserable. Butt dang I tells ya mates: Serious Sympathy!

Of course after you've been laying on one side all day which causes your previously compressed lower back disks to go wonky you may not be too happy. That's why I recommend sending your BIL to the bottle shop for a case or four of tequila. And keep it in your bedroom!

As many of you have been following this blog for yonks now, you may have come to realize that I have left my scents of embarrassment long behind me. Therefore it really shouldn't surprise you that I have taken daily pictures of My Butt Bruise!

And I'm sure you're all just dying to see them! Ha. No, I didn't take them in ultra-high fidelity like the BUTTerfly pics. In facts, these were all taken in low light in a mirror. And I shrunk them waaaaaaay down.

And since they were taken by Yours Truly (don't swoon ladies, I'm human) in a mirror you'll notice the pictures are "mirrored". Trust me when I say that it's my LEFT butt cheek that has the bruise and broken parts.

I therefore do not think there is any reason why you all won't just LOVE to see this really awesomely cool bruise throughout a 12 day period. It kinda looks like I chased a rainbow butt the rainbow smacked me on the ass. Either that or the leprechaun has a really warped scents of humour.

Butt if you are easily offended (yeah, like any of my readers are!) then you may knot want to scroll down any farther. Oh, I've already shared these pics on twitter. One person said they've never seen a bruise like that outside of an emergency room! So weather or knot you view these pictures, please keep in mind that my bruised, naked, butt is already world famoose.

Without any further ado...

Here is the Butt Bruise Pic Day 1!





What comes after Day 1? Why, day 2 of course!:




Day 3 usually follows day 2:




Day 4:




Day 5 follows day 4:




I neglected to take a day 6 pic. I think the codeine didn't let me wake up. So here's Day 7:




Let's zip to Day 9! The dark line is from the impact (it hurts a bit):




Getting some really cool rainbow colors now!




Butt some things always fade away... Day 12:




Lastly, since you've read this far, I feel safe in telling you that I'm so very glad I'm right handed because I couldn't even begin to imagine the agony if I tried to wipe with my left hand!

Back From The Abyss!

Well, no not really. I didn't go anywhere. I didn't do anything.

"So why the bloody-hell din't ya post anythin' ya lousy wanka?" Yes, I heard you say that. From all the way down here too, also.

Why not? I always try to post something funny, or humorous, or punny so as to give all my readers some enjoyable entertainment and perchance a giggle or two. And just maybe an opportunity to forget about all the crap going on around us all.

Unfortunately, my phunny bone hasn't been very ticklish lately. Heck, Wifey-Poo will tell you that I'm not ticklish at all so the phunny bone not being tickled should come as no surprise.

See, lately every time I've sat my lazy ass down to type in a blog post, it seems like I've been forcing the humour. And I'm sure you can all relate to just how painful it can be when you try to force out a large blockage!

I do believe I've found a nice, natural, re-laxative. We'll see just what and how much of it hits the fan!

Basically, I'll be typing in whatever I want, putting up whatever pictures I want to with whatever caption I feel like putting on them. So, yeah, not much has changed, eh?

Befour you get to the pictures though, I'd like to share with you a brief conversation I had with Wifey-Poo as I can't remember the long ones.

As always, YT is Yours Truly -don't swoon ladies, I'm human! WP is of course Wifey-Poo -otherwise known as the most wonderful woman in the entire world since she puts up with Yours Truly.

*YT walks in from the cooker outside, and it's nearing dinnertime*

YT: Honey!

WP: Yes dear? *oh crap can't I get ANY writing done without his stupid interruptions?*

YT: How steamed would you like your cabbage? Just a bit steamed or really really pissed off?

WP: Just a bit, thanks. *Is there something heavy nearby I can throw at him?*


Now that you've read all through my above tripe (mmmmmmmm, menudo soup... delish), how's abouts some pics?

The first one is of me. Does that surprise you? It's a self-portrait pic I took of meself with NO mirrors and I wasn't holding the camera out in front of me pointing it at me.

So, no mirrors (or smoke) and the camera is pointing away from me yet I still managed to get a self portrait! And no, there wasn't any reflective surface nearby.

How'd I do it?

Any guesses?

H
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I realize many of you up north may not have figured out how I did it since y'all probably ain't seen your shadow since winter started... Ahem.

Sew to help brighten a cold, dark, windy, snowy, dreary winter for all my Northern Hemisphere readers, I present to you the following picture. It was taken on Australia Day (January 26th).





I was cleaning out the webs around the front of the house the other day, and I spied a really really neat critter. No, you don't need to run away screaming and all like that! Sillies. This is NOT a picture of a spider.

But it is a picture of a critter that has an exoskeleton.

And is very pretty.

And was clinging upside down under the eaves out front.


Ain't she the purdiest thing y'all ever saw?

I tried to get a few front on views, but she was getting pretty skittish and I didn't want to "bug" her. But I did get this one though.




Well (and that's a deep subject), that's all I have for you today kiddies. Don't worry though, you won't have to wait another month for a post from moi, no worries!

2011 Tour Down Under may be canceled

Adelaide, South Oz (via dave's fake news service): The race director of Adelaide's Tour Down Under has just made a startling announcement. There is a very real possibility that the 2010 Tour Down Under in January could be canceled due to weather.

"As many of you are aware, Adelaide has not had our usual, summery, oven-style heat this November and December," stated Mike Tartarsauce, race director for the TDU. "Seriously, visitors and riders from around the world come down here to challenge themselves in the heat in January. If we can't provide the proper furnance-like temperatures then why would any of them show up?"

"We need at least 3 weeks of 40 C and above to pump some heat into the region and hope for 45's during the race, otherwise we may just have to cancel," continued Tartarsauce. "I even tried talking to a local tribal elder about the possibility of human sacrifice to appease their weather gods. Unfortunately he walked away muttering something about 'crazy white fella'."

The reaction from teams and riders has been swift upon hearing the news.

Lance Armstrong "I live to suffer. I suffer better than anyone. It's how I won 7 TDF's, by suffering better than all the other riders. This will be my 3rd TDU and if I can't suffer in blast furnace heat for a week then I'm not sure what I'll do. Maybe just stay in the hotel and flog myself."

Anna Hanson "Tee-Hee, and I was so looking forward to seeing Vienna with Lancey-poo."

Andre Greipel "Ya, da heet. I love eet! Da pansy-boys wilt in da heet as I stomp all ohvar dem. Vat? No heet? How vill I beet da pansy Manxman?"

Stewy O'Grady's "It's been rough mate. I had to wear leggings, jacket, and booties this morning. And that was just to light the fire! No way am I going out riding in that cold weather."

Robbie McEwen "Bloody hell, this is worse than a Belgium spring."

Tom Boonan "Good! I fucking wasn't planning on being down there fucking anyways. Besides, the fuckers down there would actually arrest me if I wrapped my fucking ferrari around a fucking street sign."

Mark Cavendish "Where is that place again? Doesn't matter to me as long as I get to kick some big German's ass."

Alby "As you know mate, I've been in every TDU. I'm proud of it but seriously thinking of not giving it a go this time around. Too bloody cold mate!"

Vincent Lavenu "Sacre Bleu! J'ai pris mon équipe ici chaque année pour durcir mes coureurs français. Que vais-je faire maintenant, les emmener à Sri Lanka?"

ASO "Nous avons essayé de dire McQuaid vieux que cela pourrait se produire par lui tente de mondialiser le vélo, mais at-il de nous écouter? Non!"

Jose Luis Arrieta "Si a mí ya mi equipo no puede pasar el rato en la playa y recoger todos los rubios, bronceados, chicas bikini australiano, entonces no vamos!"

UPDATE

It appears that the local weather gods MAY have taken pity after hearing the crying and whinging from Mr. Tartarsauce as Dec 31th is forecast to reach 43 C in the shade. The South Oz cycling community has breathed a huge sigh of relief!

The Day After Christmas: Chainsaw Day!

Yes folks, it is that time of year again! It's the Day after Christmas! And y'all should know by now what that means...

No, the the big Boxing Day Test Match betwixt the Poms and the Crims.

No, not the start of the Sydney To Hobart yacht race.

It's...

Chainsaw Day!

Yes, that time of the year when the Grinch finally WINS! Don't you just hate it that the ole Grinchie always, without fail, wusses out at the end? I expected better of the Grinch in the Jim Carrey version, buuuuut noooooo. He wussed out in that version too.

But he did get the buxom, rich, long-legged babe in the end (of the movie, not the other end you perverts!), Martha May. So perhaps there's hope for all us hairy, middle-aged, beer-gutted, crusty old farts everywhere --don't swoon ladies, I'm human.

Fortunately, I'm not one of them as I already lucked out with Wifey-Poo!

Butt what the movies nor story don't tell is just what happened the day AFTER Christmas. Being down in Oz means that I'm a day ahead of all my "friends" in North America. So therefore I KNOW what happens the day after Christmas while it's still Christmas.

Not being a very talented writer (butt you already knew that), I have, of course, as usual, quite naturally decided, instinctualtively, to let Wifey-Poo tell (type) you all about what happened the day after Christmas so you won't be shocked tomorrow (yours, not mine as it's already tomorrow hear) upon hereing the news from Mount Crumpit.

Remember gentle readers, do not blame me for this as Wifey-Poo wrote it. Blame her. Bring your own pitchforks and torches as I'm fresh out from the last riot I started.

As always, I paste in the previous preamble from previous years gone by.

*start here*

2009 preambulation

Yes, it's that time of year again. The time of year when I post my first post after Christmas! Longtime readers and lurkers and stalkers know just what this means. *insert evil grin here*

For not only does the Grinch FINALLY get to win, but you also get a brief glimpse into the mind of Wifey-Poo. You'll all know why I married her after you read the whole post. BTW, it took her all of about 20 minutes to write the verse from scratch --she is a professional writer, dontcha know *wink*.

Sooooooo, here the post I put up a year ago. And the year before that. And the year before that, too, also.

------------------------------------------------


2008 Preambulatory

This poem was written by WP two years ago, I take zero credit for it.

This is told with the absolute greatest respect for Dr. Suess, BTW.

But... just what would've happened HAD the Grinch won?

Here's the original post I put up two years ago today:


2006 Prebulation

Some of you may (or may not) have surmised that I am a BIG fan of the Grinch --ok, if you weren't hanging out with me in Squarebanks during the holidays yonks ago then you wouldn't know this, so TOUGH!

Anyways, every time I've watched the original Grinch cartoon (circa 1963) I've always hoped that maybe, just once, the Grinch would WIN. Now, don't get me wrong, I love the holidays and I love getting folks presents that are quite unexpected... But really now! Can't the Grinch win just ONCE????

DISCLAIMER: when Dr Suess passed away, we held a wake for him in our favorite pub in Squarebanks; so there! I'm not a Grinch (shhh, don't tell my dad, he'll be so embarrassed!)

So, like... what would it be like if the Grinch were to actually win?

The following is best read using Boris Karloff's voice in your head:

Oh, wait a sec: if you want to link or re-post this, then you've really, really, really, got to make sure you tell folks where it came from:

This Is An Alaskan Dave Down Under Original Poem! Please accept no substitutes! Ok, I lie... my wife wrote it... (really!)

Now you can turn on your Boris Karloff voice in your head:


The Night after Christmas

Twas the night after Christmas and Whoville was rocking
With the kind of wild party that brings people flocking.
The noise and the booze, all the singing and dancing ...
The racket and rumpus, the shmoozing and prancing ...
Would drive to the point of starting a riot
Any poor fellow who just fancied quiet.
And you already know who was sane by an inch:
Poised on the brink was the poor old green Grinch.

By nine in the morning even Max was vibrating
With the jackhammer jollity; it’s not overstating
That not even Max could endure so much ‘cheer,’
No matter how snockered one became on Who beer.
And by two in the P.M., oh, Maxie was worried,
For the Grinch looked so manic; the beast who’d been buried
Beneath fudge and tinsel, and the charm of a child
Had clawed back to the surface ... and my, he was wild!

All the popping and bopping, the preening and prancing,
The swinging and zinging, and -- oh, the break-dancing!
Were more than the Grinch could guess how to endure ...
And then, all at once, he envisioned a cure,
For there by the Christmas tree, flat on the floor,
Was one lonely present. A forgotten chainsaw.
And the Grinch had no sooner set eyes on that tool
Then he said to himself, “Grinchie, you’ll been such a fool,
To think you could bear all this ruckus and humbug,
This rumpus and dumpus, this scampus and scumbug,
This noise, noise, noise, noise, that these Whofolk call ‘fun,’
While the stores are all closed and you can’t buy a gun --
There isn’t a fowling piece (nor even a pheasant),
But one of these idiots forgot his best present!”
For under the Christmas tree, left on the floor,
Wrapped up in red ribbons lay a brand new chainsaw:

All shiny and sharpy, all toothy and jagged --
Just begging for gasoline! So, out the Grinch swaggered
With a light, empty gascan and a bag full of quarters,
To the gas station downtown, with a brain full of slaughters ...
There wouldn’t be any Who left to make noise!
They’d be peacefully absent, the Who girls and boys.
The Who-guys and ladies would be quiet as the snow --
And Cindy-Lou Who’d be the first one to go.


For the Grinch could envisage the headlines tomorrow,
When no Who in Whoville survived to feel sorrow --
Here was a task to which the Grinch felt quite equal
(And MGM’s already contracted the sequel):
GRINCH II: WHOVILLE CHAINSAW MASSACRE.