Yea Though I Walk Through The Valley...

...of the Fiery, Flaming, Frizzling, Febrile, Furnace of non-Frigidity...

I shall fear no Heat





For I have the help of the Sacred Saint Wenceslas to help cool myself...









Well, ok, it's kinda hard to follow Wenceslas' footsteps into the pool... And he did warm the page up instead of cooling him off. Damn, this jus' don't make no sense 'tall. Sigh.

Onto something serious!

Did you know that we are still in spring? Yep, summer don't oh-phish-eealle start til December Oneth. This could be a rather warm summa down unda, mates.

I checked the BOM long range f'cast and have found out that we are supposed to have an 80% chance of higher than average temps for the fourth quarter of 2009. We are also supposed to have a 75% chance of less rainfall than average.

Hot and dry.

I think this is now the 10th year of the drought (I guess I brought it with me, sorry) and we've been on permenant water restrictions since I've been here. Yes, I know; it's all my fault!

I live in the driest state in the driest inhabited continent in the world.

No reason to blow my nose anymore as I just sorta chip away at the dried, yellow-brownish gunk encrusted about my outer nasal passages. *I hope you aren't eating lunch right now*

And speaking of eating, I'd suggest you put that donut and coffee down RIGHT NOW as I refuse to be held accountable for damages to your new keyboard as you spew all over it!

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The thievesssss. The dirty, little Thievesss. They stole it from us, my Preciousssss.

*please take notice, anything NOT in italics needs to be read in Smeagol's voice. You'll figure out the italics on your own, I'm sure*



Nasssssty little creature stole it from us, they did. Yesssss, my precious, they did... But how? How can we find the nasty thief who stole it from us?

My


Prrrrrrecious...

Look! It's gone!




Who could it be, precious? Who could it BEEEEE?

I know, my precious. Let's askes the nasty crittersssssss...




No, no. Not THAT one, my precious.

Ohhhh, my precious. This one looks guilty, doesn't itsssss.

No, so sorry to disappoint my good fellow, but I was asleep the whole time you see.

Oh, perhaps. We shall see. Oh yes, we shall ssssseeeeee!


No, not these two tricksessss. We hatess their eyeses, we do!




Aaaaaagh! Get its AWAY!!!! Gets its AWAAAAAAY!




Aiiigh! The sunlight burnses us, it does my precious! Could not have been that one!

I say, my good fellow. Would you be so kind as to fetch us a crumpet?

Oh my precious... we must finds the filthy little thief! Yes, we must!

I say, my good man. I've been out here all afternoon and couldn't possibly have stolen anything.


Oh no, my precious. Not this one. This one couldn't possibly have stolen it!




But what about this one, my precious?

*snore*



This one lookssesss guilty, my love.

Nope, not me.



Coulds its be this one, my precious?

Yo Adrian!



Ahhhh, see my precious? We've founds its! Yes, the thief!

If I had done it then I wouldn't have left evidence.



But who? Who could it be, precious??? Aiiiiigggghhhh!

No, not this one silly...

*pppphhhhbbtbtt*



Oh my precious, we are close, yes we are!




Ah! The Thief! The nasty, little THIEF!





*Editors note*

In order to keep my drumstick-like calves attached to the rest of my body --as opposed to being inside a panther's belly, I decided to give the cat a nice meal of fish that evening.

Give Till It Hurts To Help Those In Need!!

Yes dear readers, it's fast approaching that time of year. The time of year when we think of those less fortunate than ourselves. The time of year when we freely give massive amounts of money to worthwhile causes.

Yes, it's time to send dave --and Wifey-Poo-- to FIJI!

It's not that we can't afford it, cuz we can. But if we do then some very worthwhile causes just won't have our donations, and that'd be a crying shame.

Just think of all the poor, orphaned homeless kids and critters that will have to go without... Brings a tear to my eye just thinking about it.

I've always told WP and BIL not to make us rich. Why? I'd give it all away! Heck, my dream is to open a homeless shelter and run a soup kitchen!

And the poor critters...

Here's a short list of wonderful, kind, caring folk who take care of critters that we give very generously to each month:

WWF: World Wildlife Foundation. How can anyone with a heart not support these great folks?

Cousteau Society: My parents were charter members back in the day.

IFAW: International Fund for Animal Welfare. These are the people that rescue animals after natural disasters, care for sick and abandoned creatures, and are just all around good guys --and gals.


We've adopted several wolves in Alaska, hopefully not the ones shot from helicopters and their cubs gassed in their dens!

Many more places we give:

OXFAM: Hey, when it comes to getting supplies to impoverished areas these folks are great.

Aussie Red Cross: They don't have nearly the overhead costs of the US and are always the first ones to start coordinating relief efforts after natural disasters anywhere in Oceania. I'd even give to the Red Crescent except for the fact that I'm tired of the visits from the men in the unmarked, black, SUV's --I even know a few of them by name now.

The Salvos: Whether or not you agree with the religion of The Salvation Army, they do very good work. There's 2 local thrift shops we give to, along with monetary donations. Heck, I even worked with the Salvos back when I was in Fairbanks!

This list can go on and on...

And to top it off; I am a nice guy. I give rides to strangers, and change to those who ask it.

I also rescue critters from the pool! Saved 2 full grown blue-tongue lizards last year! If there is a bee that can't escape the surface tension then I rescue it! This happens daily, BTW.

WP rescued and saved a baby swallow with a broken wing! It took about 3 weeks for the birdie to heal up and during that time momma sparrow would fly in the open back door to feed the little one.

I also let little old ladies go ahead of me in line. And I have no problem getting something down from a high shelf in a grocery store aisle for anyone vertically-challenged.

And I always wear my seatbelt in the car. I haven't been bicycle riding without wearing a bike helmet in 30 years.

But if we decide to greedily keep our money to go to Fiji instead of helping those in need, well... I'm just not sure I could sleep at night. So here's how you can help! No, you don't need to give to each and every charity or cause, all you need to do is send all you can spare to us so that we may continue to give generously AND get the Fiji trip!

You also get a bonus! We'll be coming back with thousands and thousands of photos, stories, recipes, and local Fijian knowledge you won't find anywhere else. I'll, of course, be blogging about it all. Heck, if I could get 6 weeks out of a little ole trips to Naracoorte then just imagine all the months of readings, photos, and just plain good ole dave snarkiness you get from us being in Fiji for a week!

All you need to do is just click on that bright button marked "Send dave on a long walk off a short pier" that's over to the left and all will be well. Send whatever you can spare, and even some you can't! Heck those credit card companies need the money too!

*at this point Wifey-Poo walks into the room*

WP: Hey! I've got some good news!

YT: Oh?

WP: Yup, you don't have to beg your readers for money for the Fiji trip!

YT: Ummmmmm, did we win the lottery?

WP: No silly, of course not.

YT: Did you get a new book contract?

WP: Yeah, right. I wish.

YT: Your friend George Lucas bought a screenplay?

WP: Are you kidding? I haven't been on his Christmas card list for 30 years now.

YT: I can't think of anything else to make us rich...

WP: BIL (bro-in-law) is finally getting a job!

YT: GREAT! Is this the University position he's been talking about?

WP: That's the one!

YT: YAHOO!!!!!

WP: There's just one little problem I forgot to tell you...

To Be Continued...


Now that you are all on the edge of your collective (you will be assimilated) seats, here's some wonderful wildlife works-of-art:

Firstly, can you spot the koala?



Why, yes I can. Here it is:




The eastern rosella parrots in the wild are pretty skitish. I was quite pleased to get these three shots:





Cool markings, eh?


Speaking (writing) of birds with cool markings, there was a bird that flew overhead that I just wasn't able to identify. Perhaps you can help?

Fried Earthworms

Taking a quick break from the Fijian Funding Fun.

Why? Cus I know that many of you don't read my food blog. And I just wanted to post my latest recipe here to share with you.

Aren't I nice?

Sooooooo, here's the latest:



Dingo Dave's Delightfully Daring Delicacies presents to you...

Fried Worms!

Did you know that the humble earthworm has (by far) the highest protein content of any critter? 72% protein the are! And virtually fat free!

We are talking some seriously high quality meat here, folks.

And earthworm broth is a very traditional Chinese soup too. Very healthy.

To prepare my fried worms, you'll need to get yourself some bacon rashers with the rind on. What's that you say? Didn't I mention that fried bacon rinds LOOK like fried worms? I didn't? Oh, sorry.

Mmmmmmmm, bacon rinds... Everyone does know that when you buy a bag of "pork rinds" (loaded with so many chemicals it's amazing you're still alive) that you are buying --and then eating-- processed pork leather. You did know that, right?

Back to the recipe...

Down here in Oz virtually all the sliced bacon you buy has the rind still on. And the pieces (called rashers) are HUGE compared to wee little wussy US slices. Imagine a piece of bacon 16 to 18 inches long... drool...

But you do have to slice the rind off. Here's what that looks like:




You have to be very carefull when frying the rinds. Why? Cus they jump, spit, and sizzle. It's often referred to as "pork cracklin'" for that reason.

I find it best to fry them on the hotplate of the barby outside.

I also cut the rinds in half so they are easier to spread out. You have to make sure you spread them out otherwise they stick to each other when they cook.

To cook them, crank up your barby's hotplate burners to HIGH for a minute or two and then turn it to LOW. Arrange the pieces of rind on the hotplate so they aren't touching. Sprinkle with salt.

And then, CLOSE THE LID. It's very important otherwise when the jump around while frying they could end up everywhere except the hotplate.

Here's a pic of them about 3/4 the way done:




You can turn them if you think they need it. Most of them won't as they tend to turn themselves when popping and crackling.

Here's the finished product, sprinkled with more salt:

Mmmmmmmmmmm, tasty treat!

You can season them with whatever you'd like while frying them and afterwards. I find a nice sprinkle of hot madras curry powder after frying works nicely.

Enjoy!

I Am A Fraudulent, Fabricating, Fibber Of A Failed Fraud Failing To Fund Fijian Fun!

Well (and that's a deep subject), I have to come clean with all of you (how will we all fit in the shower????).

I'm a fraud.

Totally.

All I do is sit in my pajamas in my mom's basement and make stuff up. Really! C'mon, think about it. Do you *really* think someone could have done as much varied stuff as I've made up about myself?

Bah, I've never even been to Australia. And there's no way I could find it on a map either. Although I'm pretty sure it is some state in the country of Africa...

Never been to Alaska. Nope, made that up too. I mean c'mon, do you really think ANYONE goes outside for a bicycle ride when it's -58 F? Speaking of bikes, I tried riding one once and lost my balance so I've been scared of them ever since.

Alaska, hmmmmmmm, isn't that an island somewhere between California and Hawaii? How would I know, as I've never been out of the little town I was born in.

All that bowling stuff I made up? Sheesh, do you REALLY think a 16 year old could bowl 22 strikes in a row? Give me a break!

And then that whole thing about teaching fencing? Yeah, sure. And I even had the gall to top it off with winning a state championship in something called "epee"???? I didn't really expect any of you to believe that.

You know those geeks in high school that were always getting roughed up? Well, I wasn't one of them! In fact, I looked up to them cus at least they were getting attention!

Married? Ha! I had a girlfriend once... then she saw me naked and laughed at my wang-doodle. I've never recovered from that and I avoid females like the plague --Mom doesn't count as she brings me meals down here in the basement.

Speaking of food. I have NO idea how to cook. All those exotic recipes? I just made them up. Heck, I wouldn't even know where the matches are to light the electric cooktop.

I am deathly afraid of cats and dogs and want absolutely NOTHING to do with them. Ugh, they give me the willies.

Pictures? Ha, I wouldn't know a focal length from a inch. All I did was surf around and steal someone elses photos. Besides, I can't afford a camera.

All that crap about sailing and being out in a typhoon? You didn't really believe that, did you? The only thing I know about sailing is what I saw in a movie. If you asked me to "jibe the chute" I would be dumbfounded. Or not founded at all.

A pool? What? Me, swim? Surely you jest! I get the heebie-jeebies just looking at a bathtub! I'm certainly glad there ain't one down here in the basement.

Gardening? Ha! For someone who doesn't know the difference between a frypan and a saucepan, do you really think I'd even attempt to grow something? Heck, I'd get my hands dirty.

Well, now you know. I've made every single bit of my life up in order to entertain you via this blog.

*at this moment Wifey-Poo walks into the room*

WP: Hello dear, whatcha doing?

YT (Yours Truly, that'd be me. Don't swoon ladies, I'm human): Ummmm, ahhh, just typing in a blog post.

WP: Oh, let me see!

*WP peers over YT's shoulder*

WP: What sort of tripe are you dribbling on about now?

YT: I'm trying to get money for us to go to Fiji!

WP: And how is this shitload of lies supposed to do that? *foot taps on floor*

YT: I made sure that each statement is totally false.

WP: I'm still waiting for the money part. *WP's arms fold across her bodacious breasts*

YT: But look! Each of these lies are easily refuted or debunked by doing a bit a research on this ole system of tubes.

WP: And...?

YT: It's obvious!

WP: Not to me it isn't. *daggers shoot forth from WP's eyes just barely missing our hero*

YT: I figure that since Sarah Palin ($P) hasn't put up a facebook post in a bit then she must be needing a new ghostwriter for her facebook!

WP: I'm still waiting about the money part.

YT: Well, she needs someone who can lie with not only a straight face, but a person who can lie about facts that are easily looked up on the internet!

WP: Ummmmmmmm...

YT: And then when she hires me we can then tweet and facebook for $P from a beach in Fiji!

WP: *We're never going to get to Fiji* Would you like another visit from the nice men in the white coats again?

YT: Nope, I'm fine this time! *twitch*




See, here's the problem with taking too much medication. Strange things happen.




Oh, WP and I were out at Onkaparinga Gorge the other day. Some pictures were taken --not be me, of course.

Would you like to see them? Obviously you would.

Did you ever get the feeling you were being watched?




Wifey-Poo did some great framing for this pic of a roo




And the ubiquitous scenery shot:

The ridge in the distance is called The Range, Wickam's Hill road goes up it (of course I've never, ever ridden up it or Penny's Hill or Old Wilunga Hill). Sandwiched betwixt The Range and where we were standing is Mclaren Vale. Darned good wine country.

Sometimes (or all the time) I like being silly




Stay tuned for more Fiji Funding updates.

The Fascist Commies Are Taking Away Our Freedom!

This is an outrage!!! An OUTRAGE I tell's ya!!!!! How the bloody-hell the bastahds think they can get away with this I'll never know!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We're mad! And we ain't gunna take it no more!

Harumph, so there.

This weekend is the culmination of yearlong preparation of all good Aussie blokes to COMPLETELY FORGET ABOUT ANYTHING!! And the bleedin' coppers think they 'ave the right to tell us just what we "can" and "can't" do?

Bleah. I ams disgustipated.

C'mon oh you "powers that be"! This is Bathurst Week! Mt Panorama! The Race That Brock Built!!!!! We've been campin' 'ere all week long!!!

And now they've got the utter GALL to tell us just 'ow much beer and wine we are "allowed" to consume per day???? It's an outrage!!!!!!! I'm callin' me member of parliament RIGHT NOW!!! Oh, wait, the bloke's passed out behind the grandstands...

Do they REALLY think that any good, upstanding, Aussie bloke can subsist on only 24 beers a day???? Crikey mate! At least they let us have 36 beers a day of the cheap 'merican lite crap, good on em --although it still takes like pisswater. They even are limiting the WINOS! 4 litres a day! Crikey, that's not even 6 bottles a day!

What are the bloody cops thinkin'?

I tells ya, I gots a RIGHT to look like this ALL WEEK LONG!




I'm sure t'at all our NASCAR mates in the US can relate! Can you imagine if dey tried to limit NASCAR fans ta "only" 36 beers a day? There'd be an arm'd rebellion, Too right!


This sarcastic Public Service Announcement brought to you by someone who doesn't give a shit about "petrolheads" or "hoons".

Bare, Bountiful, Buxom, Bodacious, Bouncy, Bristol, Big-Boobed Babes

Ahem.

I'll just pause for a moment.

In order to savour the best blog post title EVER!























Ok, pause over. Now before I show you these two wonderful pics of some serious boobs that WP and I saw in the woods the other day, I have to share with you a comment from the mind of a demented womom from Slow-Daht-Nuh. Me likes her!

Do y'all 'member when I aksed you for kapshuns? Well, there was one particular "person" who had the best single kapshun. Here's the pic and the kapshun:


Kitty Porn



Ah, a mind I definitely don't mind.

One more thing before I get to the boobie pics, here's something serious:

Tsunami, Typhoon and Earthquake Appeal! This covers Vietnam, The Phillipines, Samoa, Tonga, Fiji, Indonesia, and pretty much anywhere else up there.

Alrighty, back to the boobs!

WP and I were out bushwalking the other day --as per usual. We spied an interesting sight. Of course WP was not up to taking the pics, she thought it might be too risque.

I, on the other hand, had no such compunctions! In fact, I don't have much of any compunctions at all about anything. Ain't "compunctions" one of those cool words that's just so much fun to say? And type.

Are you expecting a pic of Dolly Parton?

Too bad, so sad.

Instead you

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Mother Nature

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Glory!!!!!!!!!!!!











I'm sure that longtime (or even some newbies) will easily be able to identify the type of parrot that has decided to make Mama Nature's Boobs their new home.

And now,

something you've been

waiting

for...



















The continuing saga of Funding For Fiji! Starring YT (Yours Truly, don't swoon I'm human) and WP (Wifey-Poo, The Most Wonderful Woman In The Entire World).


YT: But it'll work honey!

WP: But no one could be that gullible!

YT: But all they know is cable news, of course they are gullible.

WP: I thought you said your readers were the smart ones?

YT: So I thought, yes. But recent non-events regarding certain "facts" in my posts have proved otherwise.

******Yes, I do really talk like that at times********

WP: Like what?

YT: For starters, there is the movie title.

WP: Hmmmmm, I was wondering about that...

YT: See!!???!!?!!! Not a single one of them chose to question me about it. They just accepted what I wrote as FACT!

WP: Well...

YT: And when I give obscure references to things they don't even bother to check; they just accept my word as being the truth!

WP: Yeah, nobody asked about the "Don't swoon, I'm human" quote, did they?

YT: Nah! All I've got to do is phrase the begging and pleading properly and they'll fall into line like ducks in a row.

WP: Gee, this could work. *not a bloody chance*

YT: Just think, not a single one picked up any of my Dominionist references. Nor did anyone ask about Egypt! The cat must be horrified.

WP: Actually, I think he's asleep.

YT: No matter, I'm sure he's dreaming up some plot.

WP: *So am I. It's called How To Get Him To Shut Up.*

YT: Do you think sny of them are even going to ask why "Bristol" is in the title of this post?

WP: Probably not, dear. *I NEVER should have taught him cockney rhyming slang*

YT: And I'll bet that not a single one of them tried to verify my age calculations.

WP: Yes dear. *Now where is that tranquilizer gun...*

YT: Now I just need to come up with the proper wording to really tear at the ole heartstrings... BWUAHAHAAHAAHHA!!!

*KA-THUNK*

YT: Huh??? Wha... the......

*plop*

BIL: Aren't you worried about him drowning in his own drool when he lays like that?

WP: No. Not at all.