Wednesday, October 14, 2009

I Am A Fraudulent, Fabricating, Fibber Of A Failed Fraud Failing To Fund Fijian Fun!

Well (and that's a deep subject), I have to come clean with all of you (how will we all fit in the shower????).

I'm a fraud.


All I do is sit in my pajamas in my mom's basement and make stuff up. Really! C'mon, think about it. Do you *really* think someone could have done as much varied stuff as I've made up about myself?

Bah, I've never even been to Australia. And there's no way I could find it on a map either. Although I'm pretty sure it is some state in the country of Africa...

Never been to Alaska. Nope, made that up too. I mean c'mon, do you really think ANYONE goes outside for a bicycle ride when it's -58 F? Speaking of bikes, I tried riding one once and lost my balance so I've been scared of them ever since.

Alaska, hmmmmmmm, isn't that an island somewhere between California and Hawaii? How would I know, as I've never been out of the little town I was born in.

All that bowling stuff I made up? Sheesh, do you REALLY think a 16 year old could bowl 22 strikes in a row? Give me a break!

And then that whole thing about teaching fencing? Yeah, sure. And I even had the gall to top it off with winning a state championship in something called "epee"???? I didn't really expect any of you to believe that.

You know those geeks in high school that were always getting roughed up? Well, I wasn't one of them! In fact, I looked up to them cus at least they were getting attention!

Married? Ha! I had a girlfriend once... then she saw me naked and laughed at my wang-doodle. I've never recovered from that and I avoid females like the plague --Mom doesn't count as she brings me meals down here in the basement.

Speaking of food. I have NO idea how to cook. All those exotic recipes? I just made them up. Heck, I wouldn't even know where the matches are to light the electric cooktop.

I am deathly afraid of cats and dogs and want absolutely NOTHING to do with them. Ugh, they give me the willies.

Pictures? Ha, I wouldn't know a focal length from a inch. All I did was surf around and steal someone elses photos. Besides, I can't afford a camera.

All that crap about sailing and being out in a typhoon? You didn't really believe that, did you? The only thing I know about sailing is what I saw in a movie. If you asked me to "jibe the chute" I would be dumbfounded. Or not founded at all.

A pool? What? Me, swim? Surely you jest! I get the heebie-jeebies just looking at a bathtub! I'm certainly glad there ain't one down here in the basement.

Gardening? Ha! For someone who doesn't know the difference between a frypan and a saucepan, do you really think I'd even attempt to grow something? Heck, I'd get my hands dirty.

Well, now you know. I've made every single bit of my life up in order to entertain you via this blog.

*at this moment Wifey-Poo walks into the room*

WP: Hello dear, whatcha doing?

YT (Yours Truly, that'd be me. Don't swoon ladies, I'm human): Ummmm, ahhh, just typing in a blog post.

WP: Oh, let me see!

*WP peers over YT's shoulder*

WP: What sort of tripe are you dribbling on about now?

YT: I'm trying to get money for us to go to Fiji!

WP: And how is this shitload of lies supposed to do that? *foot taps on floor*

YT: I made sure that each statement is totally false.

WP: I'm still waiting for the money part. *WP's arms fold across her bodacious breasts*

YT: But look! Each of these lies are easily refuted or debunked by doing a bit a research on this ole system of tubes.

WP: And...?

YT: It's obvious!

WP: Not to me it isn't. *daggers shoot forth from WP's eyes just barely missing our hero*

YT: I figure that since Sarah Palin ($P) hasn't put up a facebook post in a bit then she must be needing a new ghostwriter for her facebook!

WP: I'm still waiting about the money part.

YT: Well, she needs someone who can lie with not only a straight face, but a person who can lie about facts that are easily looked up on the internet!

WP: Ummmmmmmm...

YT: And then when she hires me we can then tweet and facebook for $P from a beach in Fiji!

WP: *We're never going to get to Fiji* Would you like another visit from the nice men in the white coats again?

YT: Nope, I'm fine this time! *twitch*

See, here's the problem with taking too much medication. Strange things happen.

Oh, WP and I were out at Onkaparinga Gorge the other day. Some pictures were taken --not be me, of course.

Would you like to see them? Obviously you would.

Did you ever get the feeling you were being watched?
wild kangaroo watching you

Wifey-Poo did some great framing for this pic of a roo
framed wild kangaroo

And the ubiquitous scenery shot:
overlooking Mclaren Vale
The ridge in the distance is called The Range, Wickam's Hill road goes up it (of course I've never, ever ridden up it or Penny's Hill or Old Wilunga Hill). Sandwiched betwixt The Range and where we were standing is Mclaren Vale. Darned good wine country.

Sometimes (or all the time) I like being silly
stacked rocks

Stay tuned for more Fiji Funding updates.


Frances said...

Love The Range photo.

Its a beauty.

Anonymous said...

That was epic! Doncha know? Palin's readership would grow immensely if she had a ghostwriter with a sense of humor and syntax.

She would be marginalized and you would be forced to wear a "Bump-it" and a running outfit when posing for her next 'shoot'.

You would be stinkin' rich, though... so there is that. Nicely done!

Anonymous said...

Perhaps we should have a Alaskan Dave Fiji Fund to gather money for your trip. It's like make a wish except for "normal," healthy people...named Dave....So I guess it would be like make a wish, but not.

Alaskan Dave Down Under said...

Frances: If you'd like it as wallpaper just lemme know your monitor size and I'll make one from the original, no worries.

Titanium: I like the stinkin' rich part! Hmmmmm, do I sell my soul or not...

Sciencebloke: I've already got my begging and pleading all planned out. Hehe.