A Day That Will Live In Infamy!

Infamy!

Infamy!

They've all got it in fo' me!



I'm sure that all my faithful (and unfaithful) readers will know exactly what movie that is from, which actor uttered it, and who was he playing in the movie.

Oh, wait a sec. I've just realis(z)ed that absolutely no one even TRIED to answer a question from the previous post! Here, let me refresh your mammaries. Oops, memories.

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BTW have you noticed how some people can get completely lost and offtopic on a blog post? Well, you don't have to worry about that happening to me cus I always know exactly where I am! Yes, you can put me blindfolded (kinky!) on any point of this Earth and I can tell you right where I am. It's the same place as I always am.

Directly above the center of the Earth!

Ha!

Oh, can anyone tell me where I got that phrase phrom? I've been using it for 30 years now. And if you do know, can you tell me which issue, where they were, what were they doing, and which one uttered that line? If you can then you had just as much fun as I did in the 60's and 70's!

Back to the story now...
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I thought for SURE someone would have known that Freewheelin' Franklin uttered the line, while the Freaks were driving in the van, in Mexico, in Issue #4 of The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers.

Yes, I was SUUUUURE someone would have know that. Sigh...


Back to the post! Did any of you know this is my birthday? Or did y'all miss seeing that big ole counter on the blog announcing the countdown? Dang, some people are just so unobservant these days...

Anyways, it's my 404,000 birthday --not that I'm counting, mind you. And I'm terribly disappointed no one asked what I wanted. Now, I must admit, I've accumulated a LOT OF CRAP over the recent few millenia (gotta help drive this ole consumer driven society, dontcha know) but there is something I'm missing.

What could it be?

Hmmmmmmm,

Wonderful wife? Nope, got 'er.
Pool? Nope, got it.
Fanged terror? Unfortunately, got 'im.
50 century retirement? Yep, check that one off.

What

could

it

be?


Ah, yes! I'm missing quite a few Red Green shows! See, I've only got the 1997 and 1998 season along with Stuffed and Mounted #1. I have NONE of the early shows before it was the New Red Green show. And none of the later seasons NOR the movie Duct Tape Forever!

Yes, sad isn't it?

And also the fact that Harold's pretty cute and loveable and I just can't get enough of him ---Hey! Wifey-Poo! Get away from the keybooard damnit!

Ahem.

Anyways, if'n any of y'alls feel the need to send any Christmas presents my way, then you now know what to get me! Mmmmmmm, duct tape...

We now take you to the random photo part of today's blog with silly captions and leadins from Yours Truly (that'd be me, dave).

Did you know I have a cat? Did you know he REALLY likes the sun? Here's proof:

Did you also know it's 76 F in the shade and 109 F in the sun? Needless to say, the cat is cooking himself.



Guess what? I can cook!

Here's a closeup shot of dinner from a couple of nights ago. Everyone loved it!

and no one got sick...



Hey! Quit buggin' me!

Bugga off, mate!

The cat is also very literate!

I can read the writing on the wall.


Warning! Warning! Danger Will Robinson! This blog will now feature an x-rated naked picture! Danger ahead!

Why look, here's a naked picture of me getting my grove on with my big "stick".

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See? I'm not kidding!

Oh baby, was it good for you too?


Shifting and grinding gears...

Just what happens to a nice, mild-mannered bloke (who looks fairly angelic while still being all studly-like) after he's spent 20 decades in Oz? How's abouts some befour and aftour pics?


BEFOUR:




And AFTOUR:





And to all those of whom I share this momentous calender date with: Happy Birthday everyone!!!!

Sarah Palin Has A New Job!

And oh boy are you gonna be surprised! Wow! I mean whodda thunk it? I just can't believe it!

R U cornfused yet?

Lemme give you a bit of a backstory. Or a frontstory, whatever. Ya see, in my youth, I was a big time P.I. back in Alaska. Now this was back when ole Soapy Smith was still around so you know we are going waaaaaaaay back in time now (and stretching any sort of credibility I've ever had).

Anyways, by drawing upon my vast experience in the gold rush days, I deduced that since no one has seen Sarah Palin in a while that she must be either in hiding, or has landed herself a new gig.

Obviously, I just HAD to find out either where she was or what the new job was.

I certainly didn't want to be followed by any thugs or folks who may know her, so I figured I'd better be careful getting to Wasilla from down under.

Hopped an Evergreen container ship heading North and was soon in the South Pacific. Unfortunately I was discovered by the crew and dumped overboard with the rest of the trash. I was only 50 miles away from a small atoll, so in no time at all I was laying on the beach, drinking fermented breadfruit juice, and finishing off the last of the Great White that kindly gave me a lift to the atoll after I lassoed it and showed him who was boss.

Ahem.

Yes, this story gets worse from here...

After devising 50 new recipes for flake (which I'll be selling for $10 million to a certain Japanese restaurant of my acquaintance), I then decided to carve out an outrigger canoe from a coconut tree and fashion a sail out of woven palm fronds.

Yep, 10 hours out of South Oz and I was already crossing the Equator completely unnoticed by any nefarious henchmen!

By the time I passed the South Sandwich Isles I was pretty well tired of calamari --no, I won't tell you about the battle with the giant squid; you'll just have to picture it (make some crap up) for yourselves.


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BTW have you noticed how some people can get completely lost and offtopic on a blog post? Well, you don't have to worry about that happening to me cus I always know exactly where I am! Yes, you can put me blindfolded (kinky!) on any point of this Earth and I can tell you right where I am. It's the same place as I always am.

Directly above the center of the Earth!

Ha!

Oh, can anyone tell me where I got that phrase phrom? I've been using it for 30 years now. And if you do know, can you tell me which issue, where they were, what were they doing, and which one uttered that line? If you can then you had just as much fun as I did in the 60's and 70's!

Back to the story now...
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I detoured over to The Rock and swung by an unnamed bar. I then proceeded to mop the pool table decks with a certain Kodiak local, thereby earning me enough local scrip to pass unnoticed and undetected!

The sail through the straits was fairly routine: 20 foot waves, sustained 50 knot winds; the usual, no worries. I was really loving my outrigger canoe by this point, let me tell ya!

I ditched it off Bear Glacier and then bushwacked it through to the Caine's Head trail. By the time I arrived in Seward it was no problem passing myself off as just another weirdo hippy backcountry backpacker type dude. Procuring a ticket on the train North proved difficult though.

It seems that the certain Kodiak local (whose butt I whupped at 8-ball) had given me rubles while assuring me they still took that currency in the Territory of Alaska as a gesture of goodwill to Lord Baranof.

As much as some odour emmanating from me wanted to make the ticket person give me a ticket, I decided to leave the ticket office as several black, unmarked, SUV's had pulled up and blokes with sunnies were talking into their jacket lapels. Not wanting to attend a meeting of crazy blokes with short hair, I made an exit.

Found a bicycle later on. Left 200 rubles in place of the bicycle (hoped that was enough, no idea what the conversion rate is after almost 2 centuries) and proceeded to pedal North!

4 hours later I was safely in Wasilla!

At this point I have to curtail the details of the story as I don't want to compromise my agents in the field. BUT, I was able to find out what she is up to.

And

I

have

photographic

proof!

It seems a certain unofficial advisor --let's call him J. Coale, or perhaps John C.--of hers has landed her a job at a certain famous, local, Alaskan establishment at 631 E. International.

And I even have a photo of her first performance there with J. Coale (or John C.) in attendance watching her every move!

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Sarah Palin working at The Great Alaskan Bush Company with John Coale watching!





Disclaimer: I've named one of the backyard galahs Sarah Palin, and one of the lorikeets John Coale. These names are in no way meant to represent real people, living or dead.

me, Me, ME!

Yes, it's ALL about ME (yours truly) today. Why? Well, to quote a great line from Max Von Sydow when he played Ming The Merciless, "Why Not?"

Besides I've got heaps more readers now and all you newbies need to know about ME! Why? Cus. That's why. "Because" worked when I was 5, and it stills works now so I'm stickin' with it. Why am I stickin' with it? Cus. That's why.

I just got a great writeup in someone else's blog so now I'm guaranteed of fame and fortune. Wait, I already have both of those. But it's still a cool writeup from a cool lady (and I use that term rather loosely --I JOKE, please don't kill me!). Heck anyone who can give birth to a puppy has to be cool --and she stayed out of jail too.

It haz all so cum two miy uhtenshun that sum peepul theenc eye m phunnie. Ore at leeste phunnie-loocin'.

If you are one of those folk (and was able to decipher the above garbage) then I'm really going to show you just how funny looking I can be! Today even. Right now. Yes, yes the pics today ARE worksafe but I recommend you do not slurp soda or coffee while looking at the pics. AND make sure you've got something work-related on your taskbar that you can quickly click on for when you hear your bosses footsteps approaching your cubicle.

There, I've given you ample warning.

Firstly, I'm gonna give a big ole wave to all my readers! Please be aware though, I don't like to wear underware. You've been warned.





And just in case you need any further proof about my lack of underwear:




BTW, the temp in the direct sun is 113.9 F right now and I'm now going to move the sensor into the shade, back in two ticks!

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*you're sorry, the number we were trying to reach is currently unavailable in this galaxy, please try again in 57,234,765 Planck time units*

Hey! I'm back. Did you miss me? Well, the temp in the shade is BLOODY-WELL FREEZING!!! 79 F! *grumble* Now where the heck did I put those bunny boots...?

And there's ice on the pool. Well, no there isn't... But it sure feels like there is when I jump in!

And just look! You can actually see the icycles hanging off my goosebumps in this next pic:




I gots to tell ya, lunch is me favourite meal of the day:




Be careful though, beer and swimming do not mix!


Oh, I just noticed that Alaska-womom seems to be begging me for a pic of meself. Why? Well if you read her writeup you'll notice she uses a teeny-tiny thumbnail pic of me. Why? Hmmmmmmm, perhaps she wants a pic and is too embarrassed to ask? Heck, maybe her hubby wants a pic and is waaaaaay too embarased to ask?

But never fear gentle readers, I know why these type of requests happen. And (for once) I'm going to tell the truth! Shocking, ain't it?

Truth starts here

There was a period of around 5 years in which I was told I looked like a few famous people. Not just any ole famous person mind you --Gack, just imagine if someone said you look like Nixon! Fortunately, I was never mistaken for Nixon.

No, for about 5 years hardly a month went by when I was not told by some random housewife at the grocery store that I look just like Mel Gibson. Back in his Lethal Weapon days, mind you. I'm NOT making this up!

Even WP can confirm this since it happened a couple of times when she was with me at the grocery store.

There was one time when I was delivering a parcel to an office and the receptionist did a double take. She then said I look just like David Lee Roth. NO JOKE!

One time a trick-or-treater said, "Dude, you look just like George from George of the Jungle." And I wasn't even wearing my leopard-skin g-string.

Ok, ok. you can get up from rolling around on the floor laughing. HARUMPH! But it's TRUE! And I can prove it.

How many of you have Big enough, Brass enough, Hanging-Down-To-The-Knee Cajones to actually post your CURRENT passport photo? Or CURRENT drivers license photo? C'mon, these are the two photos that show all your flaws and foibles to the whole world!

So, here is my very latest and CURRENT passport photo! This is what Uncle Sam thinks I look like RIGHT NOW!





Oops. Uh, heh heh. Wrong photo. But I can tell you that I'm the bloke in the blue snow pants and me mate in the red jacket is now a brain surgeon. Hope that helps you feel calm the next time you have to go see a doctor.

Back to my passport photo. Oh, you'll notice I'm still in the "truth" section so I'm not pulling your leg. Well, I *could* be pulling your leg, but I'd still be telling the truth.

Here it is.

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I now challenge all my loyal readers to post either their passport photo or drivers license photo to their blog! Oh, and be sure to let me know when you do so that I can go look and have a good laugh.

Ta for now!

Levi Johnston Spills The Beans...

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

I Should Wash My Shorts More Often...

... cus you never know just what you'll find in them! Especially if you've left them out by the pool for a few nights.

No, it wasn't one of these:




It was (fortunately) one of these:

Cute little bugga too.

The cat, as usual, could seriously not care less:




Random crap:

Scram! He's got a camera!




It's amazing how this:


can become this:




Coming soon to a blog near you: RED HOT EXCLUSIVE PHOTOS OF LEVI JOHNSTON AND KATHY GRIFFIN GETTIN' IT ON!! DON'T TOUCH THAT DIAL!

The Pelican Brief

Warning: this post has absolutely NOTHING to do with a certain movie of the same name.

In fact, I've never seen the movie. Nor read any reviews, nor do I know who's in it. Who directed it? Beats me! What is it about? Well, going by the movie title, I'm guessing it's one o' them thar short ferrin' films about a day in the life of a pelican. She-yit, prob'ly made in France.

Harumph!

OT Don'ts I gots a guud redneck acksent? Jus' laik a skunk.

Speaking of movie or book titles... Why isn't The Lord Of The Rings about the life and times of P.T Barnum? Just asking.

On to the pelican!

WP (Wifey-Poo, The Most Wonderful Woman In The Entire World) and I (YT, Yours Truly --that'd be moi) went down to the seashore yesterday. No, we did not meet Sally and we didn't sell any seashells. We went down there to take pics of the surf since the wind was a steady 25 to 30 knots (knots: fancy nautical term meant to confuse everyone).

Unfortunately, the wind was still Northwesterly when we were there and wasn't supposed to swing around from the South till later. This meant the fetch of the waves was fairly short so they didn't have enough distance to really build nicely.

But I still got some good surf shots.

Those shots will have to wait for another post.

Why? Cus there was a pelican hanging out by the Brighton Jetty. It's not a usual area for them, in fact neither WP nor I have ever seen one there. We've since found out why it was there, but I'll leave that for another post.

This post is about the pics I got of the pelican. I'm really getting to know the ole Fuji FinePix S6500fd pretty darned well. These were taken from around 100 feet away.

A bird has just GOTTA get a good stretch!




Look Ma! I can hover!




She's being all majestic-like in these next two:



Hey Spielberg! Can I be in the next JP flick?



This sheila could teach us a lot about aerodynamics

Right aileron up, left aileron middle, right flaps up, left flaps down, both slats down, landing gear extended, and keep that nose down and into the wind!



Here she is practicing her cormorant pose




Which comes in handy when she needs a bit of lift to get through the surf!

Winter In Oz...

... means almond blossoms!!! And the cherry blossoms will soon be following on! Naturally, this calls for pics of almond blossoms.

I just happen to have taken a "few". Oh, for my new readers, if anyone wants any of my pics cropped to your screen size for wallpaper then just let me know, no worries. I'll go back to the original file so you get a high quality wallpaper.

Ain't I nice?

No, don't answer that...

Ok, almond blossoms:


Those of you with good eyesight "may" be able to find a bee in that shot.



Here's an easier one. There's 2 live thingies in this pic. Can YOU find and identify them both?




And when the sun is dipping down below the height of the almond tree I can get some really nice shots. Oh, I'm standing next to the pool, btw.










And what can dave do on a freezing cold winter day? Well, besides cooking, of course? He can play around with one of his two new 3d programs. Unfortunately, the learning curve for 3ds Max is pretty steep so it'll be a while before you see some awesome stuff from that. And it has lots of very thick manuals. And WP comandeered the other program that's specifically for making characters. Sigh...

So I went back to my good ole trusty standbye prog that was made for (hold onto your hats) Windows 3.1! Yes, it still runs under XP, not even going to bother trying loading it onto the vista machine.

Anyways, here's some sort of spaceship.

Attack of The Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Double-Headed Double-Tailed Parrot Goons!

Is anyone else familiar with the ground-breaking works from that famous scribe, Mr Watterson? No? Well then the post title will make absolutely no sense to you.

But it makes sense to me, so there.

Before I get to that, there's just one little thing I need to clear up with all my thousands of new readers. It concerns my back. Not my front (that works just fine thankyouverymuch), but my back.

Now, I could just link to the post from 20 months ago but I'm not going to. Why not? This way it'll make this post longer! Besides, it's my damned blog and I can do what I want with it!

Here's the post titled Oops, I did it again

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Oops, I did it again
No, I'm not a fan of modern music, nor of pop music. I did go through the ole top 40 phase when I was in my early early teens. Thankfully I grew out of it. However, it sure is a good title for this post.

If you're looking for something funny today from Yours Truly (that'd be me), then I can type to you right now to tell you this is not going to be one of my more funny ones cus I's isn't in no mood ta be a laughin'! Besides, it hurts too much to laugh...

How's abouts that for a bit of foreshadowing? Hey, if I do that 3 more times it'll be fourshadowing! Ha Ha! I crack me up. Ok, I take it back, this one might be a little bit funny as(s) the latest round of painkillers kick in... ahhhhh...

Before I tell you all what's going on, let me give you a tomato(e) update. For you newbies, we've got 3 wonderful tomato(e) plants growing in pots this season and we're hoping to get 80 to 100 pounds of fresh, organic tomatoes throughout this season.

Here's the current numbers:

Total weight of tomatoes harvested: 795 grams (1 and 3/4 pounds)
Total number of tomatoes harvested: 6
Number of tomatoes currently on vines: 67
Number of tomatoes currently ripening on vines:4

Growing right next to the tomatoes is a big hanging basket of basil. Tomatoes and basil make good companion plants: they each keep the other very healthy. When you grow basil, you can keep it bushing and producing leaves all season long: whenever one of them looks like it's going to try to flower, just snip that one off an inch or so below the flowering part (that way you'll have fresh leaves that evening, and the stem that's left has plenty of leaves). The snipped stem will then split off in two new stems and you'll soon end up with a huge bushy hanging basket of basil for 6 months. How's that for a gardening tip?

Next Topic:

Did you know that I used to be (am still kinda am) very phsically active and an athlete in 6 different sports? I did a lot of other sports, but only competed in 6 throughout the years. Oh, I count xc running and marathon running as one sport, btw.

A quick condensed recount of various athletic endeavours I have done over the last 40 years:

Got 2nd in a xc ski race a week after the leg cast came off

I've run a marathon (all on trails)

I've done an ultramarathon through mountains

Ridden over 200 miles on a road bike in 13 hours solo and unsupported

Done the same on a mountain bike but in 20 hours

Was a State Epee Fencing Champion and runner up in Foil and Sabre

Taught at a University PE Dept for 8 years

Did 20 snowboard runs at Skiland in one day; before it opened for the season so I hiked up the whole thing each run

Bowled 22 strikes in a row when I was 16

All of those things took an uncounted number of hours, days, weeks, months, and years practicing. You kinda get the idea: I was in damned good shape. And that's not to mention the freight tossing around either.

Now for the other side of the coin...

I've broken a leg

I've torn knee cartilege

Broken an arm

Broken a hand

Broken many fingers

Evulsion fractures on both ankles

Cracked ribs

Concussions

Too many bruises to count

Broken foot (twice)

Too many twisted ankles to count

Broken toes

Left face on pavement when I was five

A hunk of rebar decided to try and jam itself into my knee when I was 10

Hit by a car (twice)

Hit by a motorcycle

Pulled too many muscles to count


Now, all of those resulted in fairly superficial injuries which have all healed up nicely, no worries.

HOWEVER... I do have a wee bit of a problem with my back, and, quite frankly, I'm SHOCKED at what I was able to do athletically with a back like mine.

Here's the lowdown on my back:

My left pelvis is 12 mm lower than my right

My spine curves off to the left after it leaves my pelvis

Shortly after my spine leaves the pelvis it consists of 4 compressed vertebrae in a row

My spine then starts to curve to the right, resulting in my right shoulder being lower than the left (but I'm getting better with that)

When my spine becomes my neck, it encounters 2 neck vertebrae in a row that are TWISTED wrongly by about 10 degrees


So what happens when I do something stupid with my back? Say, like lift something heavy the wrong way... Well it's been so long since I've done that I can't say! See, lifting properly is such a second nature to me that I don't even have to think about it. The last time I had to move the Clan Household I did like 13 runs in a freight truck over 10 days or so and didn't have a single problem with my back! In fact, a lot of my strength returned then.

So what did I do yesterday morning that has me whinging and whining about my back? Here's what I did:

I had just fed the local parrots (up to 18 in the morning and 10 in the evening!!!) and I was filling a watering container for starting the mornings' watering of juicy tomato(e) plants, grape vines, and other goodies. I leaned slightly over to turn on the outside water spigot. While I was leaned over I coughed to clear some mucus from my lungs... INSTANT shooting pain down both sides of my lumbar regions where the comressed vertebrae are! OUCH!

Oh the embarrasment! I had to tell my wife (she'd have seen me hobbling around anyways) what happened. Personally I'm kinda glad it didn't happen by lifting wrong. But leaned over and coughing?????????? Go back and read through all that athletic stuff I did! I'm supposed to be tougher than that, gah!

Fortunately, I have everything I need to treat it and I know exactly what to do for it when it's like this. Also, my chiro has my back nice and loose so things click back into place easily... Lots of ice, liquid muscle relaxants, lots of anti-inflammatories, lots of muscle relaxants, laying in the proper positions, more liquid muscle relaxants, move around so things don't tighten up, lots more ice, even more liquid muscle relaxants etc etc etc

I'm sure you all realiz(s)e there are some things you CAN'T do when your back is like this, there are some things you CAN do but hurt like hell, and one or two things you HAVE to do no matter how excrutiatingly painful they are...

Can you think of something you HAVE to do but is so painful you'd rather die??? Can you? Let me give you a hint: as soon as my back is better I'm installing a bidet so next time I hurt my back I won't be afraid to go number 2.


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Go ahead, click on the two links up there. It's darned good entertainment and only one or two swear words.

Since you've read this far, here's AN ACTUAL PHOTO of The Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Double-Headed Double-Tailed Parrot Goon (I should get an award for this pic!)



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Which way to Kodiak?



Fortunately, I have a protector to protect me from the Mutant Bird --thus eliminating the need for a garden hose at midnight.

Hey! WAKE UP!





Yawn... Hmmm, sounds like one of my servants is here to feed me.




No, I need you to take care of The Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Double-Headed Double-Tailed Parrot Goon!

Oh, I'll CERTAINLY get right to it.




Meanwhile, Sarah Palin grins gleefully as she plots to sue the cat:





BTW, did I tell you my back hurts? I did? Well I'll tell you again: My Back Hurts!

Oh, the latest batch of homemade feta came out of the brine this morning --best batch yet! Half a pound went back in the brine, half a pound went on the smoker at noon (we're already done with that --AWESOME), and the last pound is for eating the next day or two (if it lasts that long).

And the herbed pull-apart cobb is baking in the oven to have with my extra special chicken soup. The soup is made with beer; hence the extra-specialness of it.

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Wee-hoo! what F*CKING FUN!

How did it happen? I was sitting on the toilet early this morning; doing nothing untoward, BTW.

That's it! Pop, snapple, crack!

Painful.

And stinky this time too.

Do I need to tell you just how painful wiping was? No, I didn't think I needed to tell you, so I shall'nt.

20 ibuprofens so far... lots of ice... lots of magic spray... much cursing from YT... and not even much sympathy from WP! Waaaah, wah, whine, sniffle...