Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Attack of The Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Double-Headed Double-Tailed Parrot Goons!

Is anyone else familiar with the ground-breaking works from that famous scribe, Mr Watterson? No? Well then the post title will make absolutely no sense to you.

But it makes sense to me, so there.

Before I get to that, there's just one little thing I need to clear up with all my thousands of new readers. It concerns my back. Not my front (that works just fine thankyouverymuch), but my back.

Now, I could just link to the post from 20 months ago but I'm not going to. Why not? This way it'll make this post longer! Besides, it's my damned blog and I can do what I want with it!

Here's the post titled Oops, I did it again

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Oops, I did it again
No, I'm not a fan of modern music, nor of pop music. I did go through the ole top 40 phase when I was in my early early teens. Thankfully I grew out of it. However, it sure is a good title for this post.

If you're looking for something funny today from Yours Truly (that'd be me), then I can type to you right now to tell you this is not going to be one of my more funny ones cus I's isn't in no mood ta be a laughin'! Besides, it hurts too much to laugh...

How's abouts that for a bit of foreshadowing? Hey, if I do that 3 more times it'll be fourshadowing! Ha Ha! I crack me up. Ok, I take it back, this one might be a little bit funny as(s) the latest round of painkillers kick in... ahhhhh...

Before I tell you all what's going on, let me give you a tomato(e) update. For you newbies, we've got 3 wonderful tomato(e) plants growing in pots this season and we're hoping to get 80 to 100 pounds of fresh, organic tomatoes throughout this season.

Here's the current numbers:

Total weight of tomatoes harvested: 795 grams (1 and 3/4 pounds)
Total number of tomatoes harvested: 6
Number of tomatoes currently on vines: 67
Number of tomatoes currently ripening on vines:4

Growing right next to the tomatoes is a big hanging basket of basil. Tomatoes and basil make good companion plants: they each keep the other very healthy. When you grow basil, you can keep it bushing and producing leaves all season long: whenever one of them looks like it's going to try to flower, just snip that one off an inch or so below the flowering part (that way you'll have fresh leaves that evening, and the stem that's left has plenty of leaves). The snipped stem will then split off in two new stems and you'll soon end up with a huge bushy hanging basket of basil for 6 months. How's that for a gardening tip?

Next Topic:

Did you know that I used to be (am still kinda am) very phsically active and an athlete in 6 different sports? I did a lot of other sports, but only competed in 6 throughout the years. Oh, I count xc running and marathon running as one sport, btw.

A quick condensed recount of various athletic endeavours I have done over the last 40 years:

Got 2nd in a xc ski race a week after the leg cast came off

I've run a marathon (all on trails)

I've done an ultramarathon through mountains

Ridden over 200 miles on a road bike in 13 hours solo and unsupported

Done the same on a mountain bike but in 20 hours

Was a State Epee Fencing Champion and runner up in Foil and Sabre

Taught at a University PE Dept for 8 years

Did 20 snowboard runs at Skiland in one day; before it opened for the season so I hiked up the whole thing each run

Bowled 22 strikes in a row when I was 16

All of those things took an uncounted number of hours, days, weeks, months, and years practicing. You kinda get the idea: I was in damned good shape. And that's not to mention the freight tossing around either.

Now for the other side of the coin...

I've broken a leg

I've torn knee cartilege

Broken an arm

Broken a hand

Broken many fingers

Evulsion fractures on both ankles

Cracked ribs

Concussions

Too many bruises to count

Broken foot (twice)

Too many twisted ankles to count

Broken toes

Left face on pavement when I was five

A hunk of rebar decided to try and jam itself into my knee when I was 10

Hit by a car (twice)

Hit by a motorcycle

Pulled too many muscles to count


Now, all of those resulted in fairly superficial injuries which have all healed up nicely, no worries.

HOWEVER... I do have a wee bit of a problem with my back, and, quite frankly, I'm SHOCKED at what I was able to do athletically with a back like mine.

Here's the lowdown on my back:

My left pelvis is 12 mm lower than my right

My spine curves off to the left after it leaves my pelvis

Shortly after my spine leaves the pelvis it consists of 4 compressed vertebrae in a row

My spine then starts to curve to the right, resulting in my right shoulder being lower than the left (but I'm getting better with that)

When my spine becomes my neck, it encounters 2 neck vertebrae in a row that are TWISTED wrongly by about 10 degrees


So what happens when I do something stupid with my back? Say, like lift something heavy the wrong way... Well it's been so long since I've done that I can't say! See, lifting properly is such a second nature to me that I don't even have to think about it. The last time I had to move the Clan Household I did like 13 runs in a freight truck over 10 days or so and didn't have a single problem with my back! In fact, a lot of my strength returned then.

So what did I do yesterday morning that has me whinging and whining about my back? Here's what I did:

I had just fed the local parrots (up to 18 in the morning and 10 in the evening!!!) and I was filling a watering container for starting the mornings' watering of juicy tomato(e) plants, grape vines, and other goodies. I leaned slightly over to turn on the outside water spigot. While I was leaned over I coughed to clear some mucus from my lungs... INSTANT shooting pain down both sides of my lumbar regions where the comressed vertebrae are! OUCH!

Oh the embarrasment! I had to tell my wife (she'd have seen me hobbling around anyways) what happened. Personally I'm kinda glad it didn't happen by lifting wrong. But leaned over and coughing?????????? Go back and read through all that athletic stuff I did! I'm supposed to be tougher than that, gah!

Fortunately, I have everything I need to treat it and I know exactly what to do for it when it's like this. Also, my chiro has my back nice and loose so things click back into place easily... Lots of ice, liquid muscle relaxants, lots of anti-inflammatories, lots of muscle relaxants, laying in the proper positions, more liquid muscle relaxants, move around so things don't tighten up, lots more ice, even more liquid muscle relaxants etc etc etc

I'm sure you all realiz(s)e there are some things you CAN'T do when your back is like this, there are some things you CAN do but hurt like hell, and one or two things you HAVE to do no matter how excrutiatingly painful they are...

Can you think of something you HAVE to do but is so painful you'd rather die??? Can you? Let me give you a hint: as soon as my back is better I'm installing a bidet so next time I hurt my back I won't be afraid to go number 2.


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Go ahead, click on the two links up there. It's darned good entertainment and only one or two swear words.

Since you've read this far, here's AN ACTUAL PHOTO of The Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Double-Headed Double-Tailed Parrot Goon (I should get an award for this pic!)



R

U



R
E
A
D
Y
?
?

two lories
Which way to Kodiak?



Fortunately, I have a protector to protect me from the Mutant Bird --thus eliminating the need for a garden hose at midnight.
can't talk-sleeping
Hey! WAKE UP!




not interested
Yawn... Hmmm, sounds like one of my servants is here to feed me.




No, I need you to take care of The Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Double-Headed Double-Tailed Parrot Goon!
I said no
Oh, I'll CERTAINLY get right to it.




Meanwhile, Sarah Palin grins gleefully as she plots to sue the cat:
glaring galah




BTW, did I tell you my back hurts? I did? Well I'll tell you again: My Back Hurts!

Oh, the latest batch of homemade feta came out of the brine this morning --best batch yet! Half a pound went back in the brine, half a pound went on the smoker at noon (we're already done with that --AWESOME), and the last pound is for eating the next day or two (if it lasts that long).

And the herbed pull-apart cobb is baking in the oven to have with my extra special chicken soup. The soup is made with beer; hence the extra-specialness of it.

6 comments:

Frances said...

Awwww!!!!Get well soon. Dave

TwoYaks said...

Sarah's glaring at you because you're one of those ebil bloggers out to get her and drag her family's name through the mud with those things called 'facts.' You can tell from the cant of her head, and the position of her plumage, that she's at her wits end, having flown all the way Down Unda, she still can't escape the bloggers.

Leave Brittany Alone!

... Er, Sarah. I mean Sarah. >.>

scienceguy288 said...

Quite the medical file...I especially am interested in this hunk of rebar which has free will.

Alaskan Dave Down Under said...

Frances: Today is a good day for my back --very happy!

TwoYaks: I figure since she's desperate for any attention then I may as well help her out.

Sciencebloke: I had a very fun childhood (still am!). I SWEAR the rebar shot itself out of the concrete parking barrier. I DID NOT trip, fall, and land on the said piece of rebar as certain witnesses claim.

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