Sunday, August 23, 2009

Sarah Palin Has A New Job!

And oh boy are you gonna be surprised! Wow! I mean whodda thunk it? I just can't believe it!

R U cornfused yet?

Lemme give you a bit of a backstory. Or a frontstory, whatever. Ya see, in my youth, I was a big time P.I. back in Alaska. Now this was back when ole Soapy Smith was still around so you know we are going waaaaaaaay back in time now (and stretching any sort of credibility I've ever had).

Anyways, by drawing upon my vast experience in the gold rush days, I deduced that since no one has seen Sarah Palin in a while that she must be either in hiding, or has landed herself a new gig.

Obviously, I just HAD to find out either where she was or what the new job was.

I certainly didn't want to be followed by any thugs or folks who may know her, so I figured I'd better be careful getting to Wasilla from down under.

Hopped an Evergreen container ship heading North and was soon in the South Pacific. Unfortunately I was discovered by the crew and dumped overboard with the rest of the trash. I was only 50 miles away from a small atoll, so in no time at all I was laying on the beach, drinking fermented breadfruit juice, and finishing off the last of the Great White that kindly gave me a lift to the atoll after I lassoed it and showed him who was boss.

Ahem.

Yes, this story gets worse from here...

After devising 50 new recipes for flake (which I'll be selling for $10 million to a certain Japanese restaurant of my acquaintance), I then decided to carve out an outrigger canoe from a coconut tree and fashion a sail out of woven palm fronds.

Yep, 10 hours out of South Oz and I was already crossing the Equator completely unnoticed by any nefarious henchmen!

By the time I passed the South Sandwich Isles I was pretty well tired of calamari --no, I won't tell you about the battle with the giant squid; you'll just have to picture it (make some crap up) for yourselves.


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BTW have you noticed how some people can get completely lost and offtopic on a blog post? Well, you don't have to worry about that happening to me cus I always know exactly where I am! Yes, you can put me blindfolded (kinky!) on any point of this Earth and I can tell you right where I am. It's the same place as I always am.

Directly above the center of the Earth!

Ha!

Oh, can anyone tell me where I got that phrase phrom? I've been using it for 30 years now. And if you do know, can you tell me which issue, where they were, what were they doing, and which one uttered that line? If you can then you had just as much fun as I did in the 60's and 70's!

Back to the story now...
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I detoured over to The Rock and swung by an unnamed bar. I then proceeded to mop the pool table decks with a certain Kodiak local, thereby earning me enough local scrip to pass unnoticed and undetected!

The sail through the straits was fairly routine: 20 foot waves, sustained 50 knot winds; the usual, no worries. I was really loving my outrigger canoe by this point, let me tell ya!

I ditched it off Bear Glacier and then bushwacked it through to the Caine's Head trail. By the time I arrived in Seward it was no problem passing myself off as just another weirdo hippy backcountry backpacker type dude. Procuring a ticket on the train North proved difficult though.

It seems that the certain Kodiak local (whose butt I whupped at 8-ball) had given me rubles while assuring me they still took that currency in the Territory of Alaska as a gesture of goodwill to Lord Baranof.

As much as some odour emmanating from me wanted to make the ticket person give me a ticket, I decided to leave the ticket office as several black, unmarked, SUV's had pulled up and blokes with sunnies were talking into their jacket lapels. Not wanting to attend a meeting of crazy blokes with short hair, I made an exit.

Found a bicycle later on. Left 200 rubles in place of the bicycle (hoped that was enough, no idea what the conversion rate is after almost 2 centuries) and proceeded to pedal North!

4 hours later I was safely in Wasilla!

At this point I have to curtail the details of the story as I don't want to compromise my agents in the field. BUT, I was able to find out what she is up to.

And

I

have

photographic

proof!

It seems a certain unofficial advisor --let's call him J. Coale, or perhaps John C.--of hers has landed her a job at a certain famous, local, Alaskan establishment at 631 E. International.

And I even have a photo of her first performance there with J. Coale (or John C.) in attendance watching her every move!

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Sarah Palin working at The Great Alaskan Bush Company with John Coale watching!

sarah palin upskirt



Disclaimer: I've named one of the backyard galahs Sarah Palin, and one of the lorikeets John Coale. These names are in no way meant to represent real people, living or dead.

4 comments:

scienceguy288 said...

I liked the little disclaimer at the end. Has somebody been giving you trouble about your Palin escapades?

Alaska-womom said...

You need an Alaska fix, I can tell.
Fireweed is almost snowy**longing sigh**it is really something in the fall. I know you can smell that crispy woodsy smell,or was that Sarah droppings?

Jim and Heather on Meerkat said...

A couple of things...
1)What the heck are you smoking down under?
2)I so feel for wifey poo...
3)Oops, I am one over a couple, but this is my comment, so I can do whatever I want - I HAVE A DVD FROM YOU!!!! Wwwhhoohoo!! Haven't watched it yet, but my sister did have it in my pile of mail. Thank you ADDU!!!! That was very kind, nice, cool and all that crap.
4)You crack me up.
:)

Alaskan Dave Down Under said...

Sciencebloke: Nah, my blog ain't nearly popular enough for Van Fleabag to threaten me. It was just me trying to be funny.

Alaska-womom-shakespearean-sheila: I need a pool fix... the water is way too cold right now. Yes, I can smell the woodsy smell as I had the chiminea cranked up yesterday and my flannel shirt smells nice and smoky, mmmmmmmmm.

SV Meerkat:
1) I smoke cheese, tofu, sausages, burgers, and asparagus. The other stuff, well it *is* legal down here...
2)I feel wifey-poo daily :)
3)No worries, mates. I also put the 2009 Sydney Harbour New Years fireworks on after the race start, enjoy.
4)Do I need to summon All The Kings Men to put you back together again?

Alaska-womom-shakespearean-sheila: you do realise we need to continue our conversation from http://alaskandavedownunder.blogspot.com/2009/08/me-me-me.html

SV Meerkat: I can get you the lunch pic sized for your monitor, if you'd like. Lemme know, no worries.