Thursday, September 28, 2006

The Hallowed Unwashed Heathen Horde

As I type this, and think randomly disconnected thoughts, I feel it's best to warn you that this post *might* be for cyclists only. However, since I do have my own version of the Miranda rights, I do reserve the right to pursue whatever tangent enters me wee little ole pea-sized brain at anytime. Oh, and if you can't afford a brain, one will not be appointed for you: you're on your own, sucker!

I am male (biiiiig revelation dave, when do we get the good stuff?).
I have never shaved my legs (damn dave, we hope this is going somewhere).
I ride bicycles (obviously, get on with it).
I ride mountain and ROAD bikes (Aha, us cyclists get it! Next you're gonna tell us you wear underwear under your bike shorts --what a dweeb you are, dave).

Oh, I just remembered an "aside" I wanted to put in hear (here): I do gots and knows good grammer! Your/you're, their/there/they're, then/than here/hear, to/too/two, wear/where; these are all no brainers to me --and it's a good thing they're no brainers-- So any of the typo crap you read on this site is the fault of my serious lack of proophreedeen scillz.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the Ponderosa is in trouble again (whoops, showing my age again, damn).

I'm getting to the point (that's the sharp end of the blade): Why Do Roadies Shave Their Legs? Shit, WDRSTL don't mean diddly squat, damn.

We may start to wander here (hear), so fasten your selt belts, put your tray table in an upright position, tuck your head betwixt your legs, and kiss the seat cushion goodbye (fooled ya!).

All racing roadies, and almost all wannabe roadies shave their legs. Let's take this for a given (but not forgiven --did you get it?). And nowadays a lot of mounties shave their legs too. The question for twoday is: WHY?

Firstly, we won't even bother with the ole "aerodynamic" crapola reason. Not worth the brain cells.

Nextly: "It's so that the post-race massage from the massuese (sp?????) doesn't pull on the hairs and hurt." Ummm, dude (or dudette), you just spent 5, 6, 7, 8, or 9 hours in the saddle. If you think a massage pulls your tender hair and hurts, then you really weren't hurting yourself out there, eh?

Turdly: "But, the massuere (sp???) likes slick skin and there's not enough oil." Ummm, dude (or dudette), I have gotten MANY rubdowns from massage therapists and sports massage therapists and I can tell you this: It's not a problem for them! Oil's cheap, DUH --just ask Exxon.

Quarterly: "Yo, you moronic idiot dave, Road Rash hurts and heals much slower with hair!!!!!" Ok, I'll give you some points for this, put you get NEGATIVE points for not knowing what to use on your road rash. The great secret to curing road rash (and a sh*tload of other stuff) is... Papaw ointment. Made from Papaw fruit (that was obvious). Hell, I think you can even get it in the lower 48. It heals with NO SCARRING. It heals quicker than anything I know. Slather it on before you shower and the shower is a LOT less painful than you thought it would be. Now, I won't go into what it does (but I do know), or where to get it (I know that too), but I can tell you it's the BEST thing for road rash, hairbound or not.

Fively: Picking out the grit and gravel: Oh come on, whether there's hair or not, it's gonna HURT LIKE HELL. Slather some Papaw afterwards and when the pain goes away then you'll be kneeling at my alter.

Sextly (oooohhhhh): "Everyone's doing it, so I'm not going to be left out!" Ahhhh, dipshit, does this even need a reply? If you'd read this blog then you know I don't give a rat's ass about "fitting in".

Lastly: THE REAL REASON WHY CYCLISTS SHAVE THEIR LEGS. I went into All Weather Sports one day (it's a bike shop in Fairbanks) and one of my fencing students was working there. He was also a mountie and a bit of a roadie. He was wearing shorts that day, and I noticed the shaved legs, the ripped quads and the chisled calves. Just to mention, he wore sweats in fencing class (safety, eh) and when we were riding together I never noticed his legs. So I ask him, "Dan, I've always wanted to know the real reason why cyclists shave their legs, since I never have and may be missing something very important."

He said to me, "Dave, I've spent 10 years getting my legs to look like this, and another 5 years keeping them this way... I'M DAMN WELL GONNA SHOW 'EM OFF!!!"

Needless to say, he passed my class.

There you have it folks: VANITY!

Food stuff (and it's about damn time):

You aren't going to get a recipe today, but you are going to get one helluva cooking tip.


No, you don't get a complete "what you need" and "how to do it" (I hope you are all adults), but you'll get the best tip ever. This will make you the star of the party!

Have you ever tried to make homemade soft pretzels? Oh, come on, we all have. Even if you haven't, you've cringed every time you pay for one of them delicious suckers.

So, like, HOW DO YOU GET THEM TO TASTE LIKE THAT????? You've made your pretzel dough, you've let it rise, you've rolled it into ropes, you've fashioned the ropes into your pretzel shapes, you've let it rise again, you've done the egg wash, you've used the hand ground rock salt, you've baked it for the precise length of time... But... IT STILL DON'T TASTE LIKE THE DAMNED SOFT PRETZELS I GET AT THE (insert your local haunt)!!!!.

Here's how to get it taste like a pretzel (y'all can pay me anytime): After the second rise, you simmer each in a frypan for 30 seconds (1/2 minute) on each side. So, what's in the fry pan? Enough water to bring the frypan up to 1 cm depth, and as much baking SODA you can dissolve in the boiling/simmering water. Then, just continue the recipe as normal; like nothing had happened.

If you would like Dave's Compleat Soft Pretzel Recipe, then how's about y'all making your comments known? BTW I make some wicked mustard/cheese dips...

Cheerios from Oz,


Anonymous said...

Dave, I'd like the recipe for your soft Pretzels and your wicked mustard/cheese dips too. Love reading your blogs.

Alaskan Dave Down Under said...

No worries anon. Keep an eye out over at my food blog. I'm hoping to get the pretzels recipe up this week.