Alien Abduction Act XIII --Charging to Lake Lucille!

Yes folks, it's time for yet another installment of my completely true story of my very recent alien abduction! Whilst I was a lightning-charged, undead, brain-eating, sledge-hammer wielding zombie, of course.

Confused yet? Don't worry, it happens to me all the time.

Here's something to help you ketchup:

Prelude

Act I

Act II

Act III

Act IV

Act V

Act VI

Act VII

Act VIII

Act IX -preview

Act IX

Act X

Act XI

Act XII

And I'll even give you a quickie text recap: I cut my neck whilst shaving in the pool with a meat cleaver. Wifey-Poo gave me a burial at sea (pool) with my sledgehammer and duct tape. Lightning storm re-animated me. Charged me and sledgehammer with lightning. Whilst I was on the roof, I bonged the pyramid (we really have one on the roof) with the charged sledgehammer which then transported me to the A.S.S. (alien space ship) with the rego number of C4P-PFP2012. Upon my arrival the aliens activated a type of illusory hologram so that I appeared to be in a cave complex and yet I retained my actual appearance!

Just scroll back up and open the links to see real photographic evidence of all these happenings, no worries.

When I last posted, I had just stumbled upon this sign:




Ahhhh, perhaps a nice retreat to a clean, beautiful, serene, sub-arctic lake would be nice... Perhaps it's springtime and there's a few other lakes around with a bit of rotten ice still around. Ahhhhhhhhhh...




Ahhhhh, bliss. Enough to melt anyone's heart...
Ahhhhhh, day-dreaming of Lake Lucille


But wait! What if...

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in Wasilla!







On NO!!!!





Obviously an alien creature that large and powerful must have a HUGE brain! And since I was still a brain-eating zombie at this point, I decided there was only ONE (1) (won) thing to DO!






















































Would you like to know what I did?











*dee-dee-deet-dee-dee-deet-dit-deety-dee-dee*




CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGE!

How to be funny...

...looking!

Ha, ha! No, I joke. Although I have been told that I'm funny looking, this post is not about how to look like me --d*mn*d good thing too!

No, this post is about how to be a world famous, independently wealthy, adored by millions of young bikini-clad bimbos, humour righter! Just like Yours Truly --don't swoon ladies, I'm human.

There's several ways you can make your blog funnier:

1) Don't make lists! Cus I hate them!

Try making up a fictional story from your childhood! Now, all of mine are completely true, of course.

Lie. Except when you aren't.

Poke fun at yourself. After all, everyone loves to laugh AT you instead of WITH you.

Intenshunully missspel werdz! Phonetics kan be phun!

Throuw grammer zpellin an punchooashun write outta da winder

Don't swear goddammit. Cussing isn't funy you dumm shit.

take and post pitchers of youselv doin stupid or funny things --this one is a favourite of mine!

Use sillie captions on pictures. Especially critter pitchers since we all luv to anthropomorphosise critters --Ummmmm, that does mean to be amorous with critters, doesn't it?

Make up knew werds! See whose smart enuff to figure em owt.

Don't use puns! Cuz they ain't punny 'cept to the punster. Besides, you'd faile as I iz way much beter at it then you.

2day you git some eggzampels of phuny pitcher capshuningness!



Ohhhh, ai shouldn't haz had da third pitcher uf catnip margaritas...




Arrrrr! Look lively ya bilge rats! And keep a weather eye out for the never-empty bag of sunflower seeds, arrrrrrr mateys!




Oh Cr*p! Momma always warned me not to look down!




In a victory for evolution, certain subspecies of Australian Honey Bees have developed an immunity to the deadly, paralyzing, toxic sting of the dangerous, lethal and venomous Australian Tree Anemone.

Alien Abduction Act XII --At last we meet them!

And just when you thought it was safe to go back into outer space! Bwuhahahhahahhahah!

Yes, it's time for another installment in the completely, 100% true story of my alien abduction. Don't you remember? This was after I died after cutting myself shaving with a meat cleaver in the pool and was then brought back to an undead, brain-craving, zombie state from a lightning strike and then was transported up to the A.S.S. (Alien Space Ship) cus I struck the pyramid on top of my roof with my lightning-charged sledgehammer and was then transformed into an undead, brain-eating, hulking beast with a club roaming the cave-like corridors of the A.S.S. that had the rego number of C4P-PFP2012.

Does that ring any bells?

Perhaps this handy list of links will refresh your mammaries --oops, memories!

Prelude

Act I

Act II

Act III

Act IV

Act V

Act VI

Act VII

Act VIII

Act IX -preview

Act IX

Act X

Act XI

Everyone caught up now? No? Seriously, if you haven't read those posts about this entirely true episode in my life then when you read Act XII you'll be even more confused than you are now.

So just, at least, go back and skim them posts, eh? I'll wait, no worries.

Aaaaaaannnnnd for those of you who didn't read those posts, how's abouts a quickie photo recap...



Here's me dead in the pool



Then I come back to life in my zombie, lightning-charged state:



Contacting the A.S.S.



Here I am blasting into orbit



A Chinese spy satellite caught this pic from afar



See, it really is the name of their ship!



I got a good look at the rego number:C4P-PFP2012!



And here I am on board the alien ship!

This was, of course, after they had activated some sort of holographic illusion thingy to make me think I was underground! For some reason they kept my body just as it normally is...



Ok! Is everyone "up to speed" with the story so far? I'm an undead, brain-eating, HUGE zombie on board the A.S.S. (rego # C4P-PFP2012) and I'm just about to step out of the holographic cave and into a holographic cave corridor in an attempt to somehow find my way back to South Oz, become NOT undead anymore, and hopefully eat a few alien brains along the way!

Whew! I need to give my fingers a rest... They are SSSSSSSSS-MOKIN'!

Alien Abduction Act XII

It was at this point I decided to leave the "cave" I was in and try to find either the control room or the engine room! And I felt sure I was to meet up with some aliens along the way and eat their brains!

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Grrrrrrr! Where's the alien brains? I's feelin' HUNGRY! Feed me Seymour, feed me!



I raced down the corridor, hair flying in all directions!




As I rounded a corner...



... I skidded to a screeching halt in front of this signpost!




To say I was shocked would certainly be the understatement of the millennium!

AAAAAAAAAIIIIIII-EEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!



I quite obviously realised that one way led to the control room, and the other led to the engine room. But which? And why the code and the weird lettering?

As I pondered which way to go, I heard a faint whirring of motors. Like the ones that control a hidden camera!

I. Was. Being. Watched!

But by whom?

And why?

And when was I gonna get to eat the alien brains?

And just WHAT is controlling this whole illusion that makes me see things that aren't there?

And why the cave system? Do they think I'm a mushroom and want to keep me in the dark and feed me b*llsh*t all day?

Who.

Could.

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Be?

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Eeeeeeee, hee-hee-hee! I'll get you, my pretty. And your little bloggie too, also! Hee-hee-hee-heeeee!



Stay tuned folks, it just gets better and better!

Meet the new arrival to the household!

Yes, you read that right! There is a new arrival in the house. Her momma was born here too! Yup, that's us; critters fornicating and birthing right in the house.

And the best part is I don't have to feed it.

Nor walk it.

Nor listen to it yowl at 5 am demanding fish and then going out.

It's quiet.

Keeps the mossies out too.


Isn't it juuuuuust soooooo cute?

Unlike this ugly bugga...






And here's Sarah Palin glaring at Tawd!

Hey! Looks at MY boobs, not hers!

A Typical Morning Down Under...

...generally starts with me yawning a great big ole yawn!

*Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnn*




As I am now awake, it would please me if you would alert the media!



Gotta get some blood flowing by some early morning stretching!





Hmmmm, do I smell coffee?




Ah! It's a beer! Even better! GIMME!




Don't swoon ladies, I'm human!




Whew! That was exhausting. I think I'll take a nap for the day while thinking about food...

I am so disappointed...

... with y'all.

Perhaps I have inured you two my scents of intentional tiepoes? Or p'haps y'all are just too damned unobservant? Oh, wait! I know! You are going to take the high rode and say that you didn't want to point out my intentional stupidity during the time when MIL is heelin' up!

Yeah, that's it! You guys and gals are just so saintly that you didn't want to bring to my attention the MASSIVE BOO-BOO I made (semi-on purpose, but that's an long, articulated story) in the previous post as we nurse MIL back to health.

She's doing great, BTW. I've also showed her all of your comments. She loves em! And the bruising is going down nicely. No pics of it today, but expect some sometime soon when you least expect them. She also thanks each and every one of you and had me print out the comments so she can keep them in a folder.

What was the GLARING mistake I made? That once I discovered it after publishing the post --like 5 seconds after I published the post-- I decided to leave up and just see how SMART and OBSERVANT my many readers are?

Ok, I must say that you were probably distracted by my greatness (don't swoon ladies, I'm human) butt that's still no excuse!

Someone SHOULD have picked up on the *slight* discrepancy betwixt the post title and the label. Anyone?

Exhibit A

The post title; Radioactive Red



Exhibit B

The picture of the label;




Ummmm, shall I rest my case?

As I'm so totally quite sure that everyone has completely read every word so far in this post, I shall now leave you with an image.

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And in case the bedbugs bite: Use dynamite! *thank you Mister Dempsey*




And for those of you who don't have a dual 23" monitor setup at work (lucky you Ti, lucky you) here are some little, itsy, bitsy thumbnails you can click on to get the full effect (embiggen) of what might affect you as you sleep...







Stay tuned folks, thar's rapids ahead!

Oh, a free wallpaper to the first person who can guess what movie I was referencing with the Mister Dempsey, bedbugs, and dynamite throwaway line!

Radioactive Red

Have you ever stumbled upon something (hopefully not my cat otherwise you'd be missing a leg) and thought that it would make the greatest blog post title ever?

Radioactive Red

Yeah, awesome, ain't it?

Butt what does it pertain to? I'll tell you. See, down here in Oz and South Oz there are quite a few (a LOT) world class wineries. And world class graperies. And there are some really cool blends. Shiraz-Cabernet is a very popular one.

Check this out!




See, BIL not only works in the Paleo lab in the Bio dept, but also teaches and is getting his PHD from the Archaeology dept. Which means he gets to go to twice as many parties and functions! And bring back cool stuff like that bottle of wine!

Now, Aussies aren't the pretentious type so I think this description can be taken with a very large grain of salt...


I mean, c'mon! Any wine description that talks of menthol and tannins just CAN NOT be serious! At least I'd like to think so.

What's really neat is that I've been to the winery (and ridden past several time on a bike) where they got the Shiraz, and have actually been to the Coonawarra region where the Cab is sourced near Bordertown!

A mix of the Mclaren Vale and the Limestone Coast!



Didja notice that 14.5% alcohol part?

Apologies Abound...

...from me to YOU! Yes, you. No, not that other you, butt YOU my faithful readers! Ah, this'd be "you" in the plural sense, not singular. Of course if I was typing this in Deutsch then I'd be using "ihr" instead of "du" and all this silliness of "you" vs "you" BS wouldn't even exist.

Butt since I'm typing this in English, I felt I should qualify the "you" to mean "you all", or p'haps "y'all" for short. Actually it wouldn't be "for short" as yawls are generally not too short for a boat.

Is everyone just as kon-phuzz-ed as I am? Or are "you" knot?

On a side note, I absolutely DID NOT think about the prose I used above. It just came to me. Now I do think about blog stuff throughout the day, but generally (how's abouts always) the thought shoots itself (for some unknown reason, drawn to the darkness, perhaps?) into one ear, bounces around for a fleeting moment or two, and then quickly ejects itself out the other ear --never to be heard from again. Gotta tell ya, this blog would be a heckuva lot more entertaining if you knew what some of those thoughts were. And then we'd both be in jail.

For those of you who know me (shut up, Karl) the above blathering is absolutely know surprise.

Back to my apology.

I haven't had the time lately to surf some of my fav blogs. And the times when I have had a squizz at them I haven't had time to formulate a comment. And that's bad cus there are sooooo many things I want to comment about. I think.

Why has time compressed itself around me? One word: Family. As in the one I married into. And also the other one soon-to-not-be in Alaska.

It all revolves around MIL --that's mum-in-law btw. See (read), she's had this surgery and doctor appointments scheduled for a while now. It has to due with her teeth.

Or lack thereof.

21 left, of which 12 were infected remnants buried in her jaw and of the 12 still showing over half of them were "bad". Bad as in REALLY F*CKING BAD. Why does she have all these teeth and gum problems "you" ask? 60 years (she's 80) of battling Crohn's disease will sorta do that to you. That and the 5 emergency bowel surgeries along with the cancer surgery.

She's a tough old lady, that is for sure. Oh, the best oral surgeon in South Oz said (without batting an eye) she will be so much happier with those teeth gone. He was right, 36 hours later and she really is happy as a clam.

Now she just has to heal up enough for the dentures.

To add to the drama: 10 days ago BIL got an urgent email from the Flinders Biology dept beggin for folks to cook for Australia's Biggest Morning Tea. This is country wide in all hospitals and Unis. Needless to say, I volunteered as every cent raised goes to the local hospital or Uni cancer research dept. My food was a huge success and there were no leftovers.

The Tea was the day before mum's surgery. And the preceding week was spent in various doctor's offices.

When I wasn't taking care of MIL, I was cooking --or, at least, thinking about cooking, kinda like I'm doing right now. To say that it was a busy week would be a rather sizable understatement. Rather Sizable.

Butt everything turned out great. Food was good, and MIL came through the surgery a million percent better than we thought she would.

Except for the bruising.

Did I mention she's a "bruiser" and a "bleeder"? Well, I have now. In fact just taking the tape off of her eyelids after surgery (don't ask) caused a wee bit of bruising. In fact, both the anesthesiologist and the surgeon personally called us to tell us that not only was it a success, but to tell us about the bruising and how shocked they were.

Didn't surprise us. We did tell them, but I don't think the really understood just how easily she bruises and how "interesting" the bruises can look. Yes, I keep a good supply of arnica cream around.

Anyways, when WP and I went to collect MIL, the nurses in the ward were telling us they had never seen anything like it. Apparently they must have been trying to fortify our constitutions for the impending hideousness we were about to see...

Nah, we've seen worse.

In fact MIL was laughing about all the attention, and yes, I've seen her looking worse --long story.

Now for the FUN part! MIL wanted pictures so she could remind herself of what she looked like with no teeth and being something out of a horror flick. And she even wanted to share it with the world.

The world being those of "you" who read this.

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Just click on the pic to expand it up to full size, no worries!

Toot, toot!

Now how does that jingle go?

Bean, beans, the musical fruit
The more you eat, the more you toot
The more you toot, the better you feel
So let's have beans for every meal!

My dad taught me that when I was a wee little tyke.

Anyways, this post has nothing to do with that.

This post is about me tooting my own horn!

I put this up on my food blog today, but I figured since I've got 5 times the visitors over here that I'd make you people read it too. So there.



Biggest Morning Tea

Each year, the Biology dept up at our local Flinders Uni hosts what they like to call "The Biggest Morning Tea". It only costs $4 to get in (that's just a couple of Aussie $2 coins). All the cooking is done on a volunteer basis.

My BIL works at the Paleo lab in the Bio dept so he's on their email list. Last week he received an urgent email asking for more cooking-type folks. So far only 4 people had volunteered, and none of them featured any savory dishes.

Mike (BIL) told them about my cooking prowess, and I got in email contact with the lady in charge. She is very thrilled with what I said I could make for them.

Here's the list of what I'll be making between now (monday arvo) and thurs morn:

Cheese and bacon muffins

soft pretzels w/ cheese sauce

mexican chocolate fondue

zucchini bread

cumin seed crackers

wholemeal chia seed bread w/sunflower and pumpkin seeds

morrocan seasoned pan bread w/ grana padana cheese

fresh homemade ricotta cheese (it's easier than you think) to go with the cumin crackers and whatever.


They are expecting 100 to 150 people... This will be challenging, especially as MIL has a couple of doctor appointments this week.

Wish me luck folks!

Oh, the proceeds from it go directly the Flinders Med Centre (right next to the U) for their cancer research.

Alien Abduction Act XI --Smoke & Mirrors

Yes, it's true! The long untold story of my alien abduction continues! There was a momentary (6 week) lapse in the story due to some soft- & hardware probs, but the brain surgery was a success so it's time to entertain you some more!

Since you may need a bit of catching up...

Prelude

Act I

Act II

Act III

Act IV

Act V

Act VI

Act VII

Act VIII

Act IX -preview

Act IX

Act X

Whew! Is everyone now all caught up with the completely true, 100% factual story of my alien abduction whilst I was a lightning-charged, undead, brain-eating zombie with magic sledgehammer?

Just boggles the ole brain, don't it?

For those of you too lazy to reacquaint yourselves with the story, lemme add the last few pics so you sorta have an idea of how you just may be able to possibly think about perhaps slightly understanding just what the heck is going on somewhere in orbit above Oceania at this very moment, too, also.

Remember, a Chinese spy satellite was tracking my whereabouts at the time and got this great pic!




And as I approached I was able to make out the A.S.S.'s rego number!

C4P-PFP2012??? What could that possibly mean?

And then I materialized inside the A.S.S. (Alien Space Ship)!








Now, this is the point that things started to get a little weird (er). So pay attention kiddies!

I seem to remember that right after I materialized in the A.S.S. that there was an odd shimmering and everything changed to a cave/tunnel network. And, more importantly, I changed back into my normal, mundane, self --except for the fact that I was still craving brains. I quickly reasoned that any space-faring critters should have ample brains to eat. The rego of the A.S.S. which was C4P-PFP2012 had, of course, completely slipped my mind during the transformation.

I also deduced that I was still aboard the A.S.S. and that it was some sort of holographic illusion. Perhaps something similar to what happened to a Starship crew in the episode called "Catspaw" from ST:TOS. Oh, you know, that telly show from the 60's that Gene Reddenbacher was inspired to make (bloody-well stole every idea) from the 1956 movie Forbidden Planet with Leslie Nielson? Ah, now you know what show I'm talking about.

Anyways, I was able to re-create the transformation scene from my memory of the event! Would you like to see it?

Of course you would, otherwise you wouldn't have read this far.







Yup! I'm right back to normal!




Now it's time for me to go cautiously down the tunnel in search of alien brains, the control room, the head honcho, and a way back to Australia!

Stay tuned!